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The Burkini Ban - A Conversation with the French Police

25/08/2016 12:18 | Updated 25 August 2016
Stringer . / Reuters

- We are the French Police! We're going to stop those terrorist attacks once and for all!

- Oh, thank goodness! How are you going to do that?

- At the beach!

- What?

- Yes! At the beach! We're going to make Muslim women strip in public, so that they stop supporting Isis by covering up their arms!

- Wait, what? You're going to make -- women -- strip?? Is it done by a female police officer?

- No we prefer to use like three or four armed, male officers per woman.

- This is at gunpoint?!

- No no. We just HAVE our guns. You know, on our belts. That way when we stand around her there's like, a perimeter fence of dicks and weaponry at eye level. Anyway they won't be assault rifles, they'll just be handguns. Oh and we'll have batons. And stab vests.

- That sounds like a lot of clothing for the beach.

- ...

- So how much clothing do you make them take off?

- Well, the mayor said they have to look like women with good morals.

- The mayor said women have to dress like they have good morals? Is he French? What do women with good morals look like?

- Kind of, white and naked I think.

- What about nuns?

- Nuns are different!

- Why, because they're Christian?

- Well, nuns are good, you know? Nuns are fine.

- So you wouldn't force a nun to strip.

- Of course not, come on, have some respect.

- Ok. So, once the Muslim women are naked enough to look like they have good morals, is that it?

- Yeah! They just have to be naked enough.

- To stop Isis attacking again.

- Yeah.

- Have many of the Isis attacks in France involved women in Islamic dress?

- Well no. Actually none of the Isis attacks in Europe have been committed by women at all.

- Huh.

- But you know, when they dress like that, it looks shifty. People don't feel safe at the beach when they can't see a woman's body. She might be hiding something.

- Like her body?

- Exactly.

- So what does your mother wear to the beach?

- Oh God! A kaftan! I don't want her wobbling around in a bikini!

- And your dad?

- Whatever he wants, who cares?

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