Alfie Evers
London-based Alfie Evers first came to prominence in 2015 after winning a Nobel Prize for his novel ‘Sex Football Beer’ which sold over 100,000,000 Billion copies worldwide and was translated into a world-record 1300 languages. After enjoying such huge success, Evers hid away from the public eye, choosing instead to live on a farm in Lichtenstein, where it is reported that he found the cure for people who talk too loudly on the phone whilst riding public transport. In 2018, Evers was thrust back into the public eye after England football manager John Terry picked him for the FIFA World Cup. After much furore over the award-winning writer’s ageing years and the fact he had never been a professional footballer, the critics were silenced when Evers stepped off the bench in the final to score two goals against a Germany side managed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. With the final score 2-1, England claimed their first trophy since 1966. Proud Manager John Terry said at the time; “I knew when it came down to it, we needed more than football. We needed Alfie”.

After declining knighthood, Evers again chose to shun the limelight and went into hiding, where it is reported he invented the Hover Car. In 2032, after leading an uprising, Alfie Evers was elected the first President of the newly formed Peoples’ Republic of Europe. He is happily married with 16 wives, has 436 children and writes his blog The Alfie Evers Brain Sale.

Entries by Alfie Evers

I've Seen the Star Wars Parody: It's Called 'The Force Awakens'.

(1) Comments | Posted 7 January 2016 | (16:20)

Picture the scene: it's the year 2000, I'm on a lads holiday in Magaluf, it's an obviously classy affair. My plucky friends and I decide to venture to a nightclub hosting a 'foam' party. For those who don't know, foam parties were very popular affairs in the late 90s in...

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You Realise You're Getting Old When You Find Yourself Knocking Back Rennie at a Gig

(0) Comments | Posted 23 September 2015 | (15:45)

You realise you're getting old when you find yourself knocking back two Rennie at a gig instead of a beer. There I was: Camden Jazz Café, hands in pockets, jostling for a clear view of the stage. At intermittent intervals glancing sight of the fake

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I Fantasise About Killing the Street Salesmen Who Try and Sell Me Broadband On A Daily Basis

(0) Comments | Posted 2 June 2015 | (16:00)


My friends and I, like the rest of you, have discovered the many uses of social networking app WhatsApp. Whether it be organising a group of disorganised fucktard friends, exchanging photographs of shrivelled penises, or exchanging words of unrivalled...

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The Voice is Absolute Toilet. But For Some Reason I Watch it. Why?

(1) Comments | Posted 2 February 2015 | (14:53)


For the past three years, a heavy burden has been resting on me. I have carried a barrelful of lies and deceit, but now, I believe the time is right to be honest with my friends, my family and myself, when I declare...

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SERIAL: Brilliant/Frustrating/Life Changing - But Fear Not, I Have All the Answers... Perhaps

(0) Comments | Posted 27 November 2014 | (16:24)


WARNING: This article may contain spoilers. If you haven't listened to the podcast Serial, then go download it now - Idiot!

It's Thursday. As usual I have cleared my schedule. I perform my menial tasks and try to keep an...

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Watching England is Like Watching a Train Crash Dubbed With Fart Noises

(4) Comments | Posted 4 September 2014 | (16:51)


I can't take it anymore. It bores me that our press don't want to bring it upon themselves to speak the truth. So here goes:

Roy Hodgson needs to go ASAP. It's that simple.

You have to take your...

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My Game Of Thrones Marathon Is Finally Over; But Now I Talk Weird and Smell of Poo

(0) Comments | Posted 1 May 2014 | (18:18)


WARNING: May contain spoilers. But then, may not. Who cares?!

It seems you can't go anywhere these day without some mug invading your personal space and playing the whole "Have you seen..." game.
"Have you seen Breaking Bad?" "Have...

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The Quality Street Revolution - My Struggle With Britain's Favourite Festive Treat

(0) Comments | Posted 15 January 2014 | (12:24)

It's January. And, if like me, you'll likely visit friends' houses moaning about your lack of money and whether or not it was a good thing you didn't get into Rolf's Cartoon Club (I'm still undecided). More often than not, after consuming all their bread and savoury snacks,...

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Tinder Surprise! My Dangerous Love Affair With the New Dating App

(2) Comments | Posted 12 November 2013 | (23:00)

A few weeks back, I heard murmurings of a new dating app called Tinder. Someone had dressed it as "Grindr, but for straight people". Now, for all of you who don't know, Grindr is - in my limited knowledge - an app that uses your location to search for potential...

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Get Out of My Way - I Have Post Holiday Blues and I'm Prepared to Use It

(0) Comments | Posted 26 September 2013 | (17:09)

I am confronted by a dead pigeon. Its body hard pressed and flattened to the floor. Its face contorted to a fixed expression of doom. Its guts spread across the road. I sigh. We are one. Its state reflects how I am feeling.

I pass a stranger who takes the...

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The New, New, New, Superman Arrives - But Does the Whore That Is Cinema Still Love Me?

(0) Comments | Posted 13 June 2013 | (22:35)

Oh, hello cinema. What's that you got behind your back attached to that very massive marketing campaign? Come on, let us see. What's this? Another Superman film? Another film to explain how a character that's been talked about our whole lives came about? But cinema, surely now we understand it....

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Eek! A Big Yellow Orb Arrives in Time for the London Marathon - And My Reasons to Bloomin' Love It

(1) Comments | Posted 18 April 2013 | (00:00)

Run for hills I tell you! There's a yellow orb in the sky! What on Earth.....?! Its emergence spells only doom. The end is nigh! Those weirdo religious freaks were right! It's here! It's here! A big ball of yellow sent straight from hell. There, look at it. In the...

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Valentine - The Bringer of Arguments, Impending Loneliness and Vagina Envy

(0) Comments | Posted 13 February 2013 | (11:38)

So, here it is again. Valentine's Day. The day of alleged love. The day when single people self-harm and lovers spread magical love juice around the world. The day my friends and their other halves collectively let out cold-ridden sighs at the mention of the date. The day you see...

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The Truth About Babies, New Parents and Crack Addicts

(0) Comments | Posted 8 January 2013 | (14:25)

So yes, I reached that age when it seems everyone I meet is having or just had a baby. I have to say it's quite worrying. It feels like something out of a Stephen King novel.

Truth is, for me, it's never happened (that I'm aware of). I'm not...

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Brrrr! Winter Is Coming, But Did We Really Learn Anything From the Summer?

(2) Comments | Posted 11 October 2012 | (15:48)

Summer is over. My big brown winter coat twinkles at me. But, I ignore his advances. As I explain to him, Jack Frost isn't exactly banging on my windows shouting obscenities. I have not yet walked outside and quivered the words "Cor blimey guvnor". No doubt I will, but not...

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What? The Olympics Are Over? Don't Worry, I Can Help

(0) Comments | Posted 13 August 2012 | (16:57)

As I sat on Blackheath watching the closing ceremony, I embraced the collective groan as God's gift to music - Jessie J - took to the giant screen, before a sniff of sadness hit me. Not just because the organisers had let the some big-faced shouty person and...

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The Apprentice Withdrawal? Never Fear, Any Idiot Can Be An Idiot

(0) Comments | Posted 22 June 2012 | (13:49)

It's been two or three weeks since The Apprentice finished and I'm not afraid to admit, I'm becoming a little twitchy. People who know me know I don't watch a lot of television, but my one little ray of addictive hope comes in the form of a suit-wearing...

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Baby Faces, Zuckerberg Married and a Lack Of Bikinis - Is the End Nigh for Facebook?

(0) Comments | Posted 24 May 2012 | (18:39)

It's hard to imagine a time without Facebook, but believe me, it existed - I was there. It was a time when everyone strived to have smaller mobile phones and Saddam Hussein was still hiding in a bunker clutching a bag of Funsize Mars Bars and a copy of Nuts...

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Can Men With Beards Like Beckham Be Trusted? Or Is That A Gun In Your Pocket?

(2) Comments | Posted 16 May 2012 | (15:16)

"Does it itch?"
"How about when it gets longer?"
"Does it irritate your girlfriend?"
"Do you get food stuck in it?"; are most of the questions I get asked by friends and strangers alike. They are of course referring to my beard - Not...

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