Ten years ago, I received a phone call from the newsroom of the Guardian newspaper in which I learned that they had bestowed me with the title of "Britain's Best Blogger", damning me with the praise that I was (and I quote) "better than Jeffrey Archer". My (now former) wife spent the prize money on a gas boiler, and it has been downhill ever since.
In the following decade, the only recognition I have ever received is from a torch-wielding mob, whose cries of "There he is! Get him!" still ring in my ears these long and lonely nights, the ever-recurring nightmare of anybody who has ever worked in computer support.
But now, a new day dawns, and we are back. My blog, the labour of love that is the increasingly grammatically incorrect Scaryduck: Not Scary. Not a Duck, has just been declared Britain's funniest weblog in a contest organised by personalised cards and gifts behemoth The Dogs Doodahs, making me the owner of a spanking new iPad.
They will be dancing in the streets of Reading tonight, I can tell you for nothing.
I have been told by people who know about the business of comedy that my site is a "scattergun of lewd humour", even though I've cut down on the swears the last few years. But if you've got an interest in punching owls until an egg comes out; the life and career of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un; random facts about TV hard man Ross Kemp; or detailed studies of Comic Sans, the Font of Champions, then mine is most certainly the website for you.
You will be pleased to know that I will be letting this go to my head, and will continue to post smug offerings both on my own double-award winning website, Angry People in Local Newspapers, and - of course - here at Huffington Post UK Comedy. How I shall find time for all this and my hobby of dressing up as a ninja and annoying public servants, I do not know.
The competition for the blog award was indeed stiff, and after all is said and done, the dust died down, it is abundantly clear to all that British Comedy was the winner.
British Comedy, but more importantly, me.
I am required to say at this point: Other funny websites are available. But don't click on them. They're rubbish. But do click on the sites of my fellow finalists:
Also, if you're a publisher or a literary agent, please send offers of money. I'm not too proud to beg.
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