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The Aggressive Homosexual Community Fights Back

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The Conservative MP for Aldershot, Sir Gerald Howarth, caused outrage during Monday's Commons debate on the Marriage (Same-Sex Couples) Bill, when he warned that "there are plenty in the aggressive homosexual community" who perceive the bill as "but a stepping stone to something even further".

A spokesperson for the aggressive homosexual community, located on a Barrett Estate near Solihull, summarised the local disappointment: "This isn't the first time that the tories have attacked us like this. We didn't choose to be aggressive homosexuals. We were born that way. When I came out of the womb the first thing I did was wink at the handsome doctor and slap the midwife."

The aggressive homosexual community is no stranger to controversy. Former residents include Lady Sovereign, David Starkey, Ronnie Kray and Alexander the Great.

The estate is regularly picketed by fundamentalist Christian groups who jeer and throw holy water. "Being an aggressive homosexual is a lifestyle choice," insists Stephen Teal, head of reactionary protest group Christian Tongue. "I mean, yes, we can all lose our temper from time to time. And yes, we all enjoy the shape of other men's bodies. But God wants us to control our baser instincts."

But Thomas Gibson (23), a new member of the community, says that such views are antiquated and offensive. "Deep down I've always known I'm an aggressive homosexual. I used to try and deny it, but then in university I discovered who I really am. I'd sleep with men, and then in the morning I couldn't stop myself from criticizing their soft furnishings."

Now the residents of the community are fighting back. "From now on we're going to be as flamboyantly aggressive as possible," says Ruth Otter, a long-standing resident. "If the tories don't like it, that's too bad. I've already sent an abusive email to my MP, and this morning I threw some salt at a passing slug."

There are now fears that Sir Howarth may broaden his attacks to include the relatively peaceful passive-aggressive homosexual community on the outskirts of Widnes. A spokesperson for the community declined to comment, although we did hear some audible tutting down the phone.