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Royal Baby Is Born - What Now for Prince Harry?

25/07/2013 15:07 BST | Updated 24/09/2013 10:12 BST
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With the arrival of the new royal baby, poor Prince Harry will fall to fourth in line to the throne. Let's face it: at this point, in the words of Polish saying: a pig would have a better chance of seeing the sky than Harry does of getting crowned King of England.

So, perhaps it is now time for PH to consider a different career path, especially seeing that military service is no longer à la mode these days, and certainly does not suit the rather bohemian image he's cultivated during the recent months.

Maybe Poland -- that cub tiger of the Euro economy -- can provide him with a surrogate royal career?

Most Britons are unaware that Poland was a kingdom before the country's dismemberment in 1795. Following its reappearance as a distinct nation-state after World War I, the new prime minister was quoted thusly in an October 1928 edition of the International Herald Tribune: "Poland needs a monarchy... if the country is to prosper."

To this problem, the distinguished Lord Louis Mountbatten proposed a solution, arguing that George, the then Duke of Kent and son of Edward VII should be made the King of Poland. It wasn't an idea without precedent, since at that time the Greek monarchy had recently been restored using imported royals. And it's one that have served an ulterior motive of Mountbatten's - his daughter had designs on the young Duke. If she were to marry George, and were said Duke later to become King of Poland, why then his daughter would naturally rise to the title of Queen of Poland.

In August 1937, the Duke and his wife visited Poland and were rapturously received. From this point on, Prince George threw himself into education and preparation for his future role. Sadly, due to the invasion of Poland by Germany and the outbreak of the World War II the plan was scrapped and the intriguing prospect of a new monarchy in the East was never realised.

But 75 years later, perhaps it is time again to consider importing a British monarch. To elaborate:

It is common knowledge that since 2004 Poland has contributed an enormous human workforce to the UK. Although some Britons may not appreciate the population influx from the East, the Polish invasion has undeniably resulted in a surplus of cheap, high-quality labour.

This migration hasn't left the citizens of Poland happy -- with the mass exodus of plumbers and electricians to the UK, pipes are left leaking in Gdansk and warehouses in Warsaw are in need of rewiring. And which social group in the UK is the biggest beneficiary of this cheap, skilled labour? Why, the upper classes of course -- the ones with the most money to invest in renovations and repair. The royals fall squarely into this group. And yet, the British monarchy is also supported by the tax payers -- among them the poorest Brits who are being deprived of employment by the proactive Poles.

With all that, I would consider it to be a good deal for both sides if Prince Harry were to be offered up in exchange for the Polish workforce the UK has received to date.

Poland would also see many benefits from such a trade. The Poles have a long history of internal conflict and only tend to band together when faced by an outside threat. They're famous for their resistance movements and organised risings against Russian and German oppressors. In the present day, even while enjoying the fastest economic growth in Europe, the Polish centre-right and far-right continue to waste their time bickering over divisive issues -- the controversial death of their president Lech Kaczynski in an air accident in 2010 being one example. A catalyst is needed to reunite the country. A good shock would do it.

Certainly, the surprise arrival of a British monarch who would accede to and restore the Polish throne *would* reunite the entire nation. More than that, it would serve as a useful diversion, pulling attention away from the sort of petty, ultimately unimportant scandal often seen in government -- and would thus enable politicians to return to the business of running the country.

Further, Polish tourism also stands to benefit. Król Harry, like previous Polish monarchs, would of course reside in Krakow, and would be well suited to act in an official capacity as chief ambassador of that most modern of British institutions -- the drunken stag night. Maybe he could somehow improve the behavioural standards amongst its practitioners?

Let us finally consider that the British royal family originates from Germany. Such an exchange arrangement might easily be couched as diplomatic compensation to Poland for the outcome of World War II.