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A Warning To 'Girls' Turning 29

01/09/2016 17:38 | Updated 02 September 2016
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You're young, fresh, full of life, remember school vividly and still occasionally get ID'd. You're officially a woman but the wrinkles haven't become deep set yet. You're an independent adult.

However, ladies, let me tell you what's about to happen.

This is what some refer to as 'The Second Puberty' and it's about to hit you out of the blue.

You'll slowly find yourself losing touch with technology. Facebook will become more confusing, new things like Snapchat take around a month to get the hang of and even then there'll be parts you won't understand. Even Twitter for me is a non-starter. You'll see people doing complex things like sharing people's pictures on Instagram. Excuse me, regram? What is this witchcraft? You'll see baby faced-child-teens typing at a speed the human eye can only partially process and reminisce about when you were able to do the same on your Nokia. You'll find yourself getting frustrated with the likes of iPhones and become nostalgic over the practicality of flip phones and keyboards with buttons. Autocorrect fails begin to frequent your correspondence and as your years increase, the percentage of chances you have to spot these mistakes dwindles down. The inevitable digit change will begin taking place. As a youngster everything on the mobile phone will have been commanded by your thumbs. Scrolling, clicking, swiping and typing, this is Stage 1. By 29 you will see signs of regressing to Stage 2, one index finger usage. This will come into play gradually before taking full control over the years becoming your sole method. By the time you've reached 50 you will have full blown Stage 3. The sole pointer finger scroll and click. This usually coincides with holding technological wonder at full arm's length while looking down at it through your reading glasses. This stage is game over then when it comes to technological savviness.

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You begin to wake up with wrinkles that weren't there the previous day. For example, vertical ones just above your top lip and deep grooves lay their foundations either side of your nose running down to your mouth to look like you're always smelling something bad. Your pores make your face gradually resemble a Swiss cheese and the bags under your eyes just want to be a part of this constant cheese board you have on display at the top of your neck.

You'll begin to make noises. Doing pretty much everything. They start off quietly getting to full volume by around the age of 70. Noises sitting down. Noises standing up. Noises rolling over in bed. Noises bending to pick things up. It's not like it's painful or you're aching, it's just everything becomes strenuous. Even turning around to look over your shoulder when seated takes 3 - 7 seconds. It now involves an elbow or a push off a table for leverage. You only seem to pivot from your lower spine.

Your hair will have a field day. Like it isn't satisfied coming out of the top of your head long and full, it decides to do the same all over your body at random. You need to shave every hour. Then you get the odd random sprouts appearing. One on the thigh. One from that mole on your face. One from your nipple area (yes ladies, that will happen to the chosen few of you). Why evolution, why?

There's a strange part of your brain that begins to kick in. It's been dormant until your 25th birthday and then slowly what I call 'Richard Attenbrain' will gradually kick in. You begin to know nature facts and have an urge to share them with friends and family. You know the names of all common garden birds and begin to hunt for the best place to grow a herb feature in your dwellings. You'll begin to fill your house with plants and you're as attentive to them as you would be a child. I now have a full cupboard in my flat for 'gardening.' I did not see that one coming! Miracle Grow, weed killer, bug killer, a variety of plant pot sizes and orchid food. Along with owning orchids comes my collection of sticks and clasps to pin the flowers up right. Observe: 20's Cover of a Ministry of Sound CD. 30s I prune mint looking like a vegan lesbian.

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People that, up until recently, were your peers seemingly over night become the 'youth'. In my head I am still around 23 so am forever shocked when these people who look 12 years old are all over 20. I'm now 32 and I meet people who were born in years that I remember, vividly. These teenage heartthrobs girls are fawning over look like they need a parent or guardian to accompany them to the crèche before their Happy Meal. I find myself referencing 'the youth of today' in several contexts. Predominantly about them not knowing what it's like to have a world without social media, internet, mobile phones etc. Honestly, kids nowadays.

You'll acquire an array of cooking objects such as slow cookers, spiralizers, 3 whisks, skewers, 4 egg timers, a cake stand and if not already, you'll have an overwhelming desire to purchase a set of edgy cool plates in something like black or slate for 'best'. Also, don't get me started on your building tupperware collection. You know already that you're guilty of this.

Physical compliments will gradually start to be followed by 'for your age'. You're also entering the cringe phase of people presuming your age and removing 5-10 years to be comically polite, however, mortifyingly, you believe them. You're not used to this form of comedy, yet. In the same way a barman may ask for the mother's ID when checking the 21 year old daughter's in a form of flattering jest, the mother knows to blush and chuckle, but not actually remove ID. We, however, believe someone might actually mistake us for 20.

Another thing that changes is fashion sense. You will suddenly start buying shoes in favour of comfort over height and finally invest in some decent insoles. Shoes over 4 inches become 'stripper shoes' that you couldn't possibly be seen in! Your love affair with your young perky body will begin to come to an end. The gravity defiance will dump you and leave you for a younger subject that never works out. After a brief denial period you inevitably realise that Spanx must become your wardrobe staple and your boobs begin to look like seals. Even strapless bras will only cut it for a few more years. Then, clothes shops like M & S begin to become appealing. It starts with 1 item in the window that catches your eye and before you know it you're perusing with your basket convincing yourself that they must have given themselves a cool, hip new makeover to appeal to the younger generation. Side note: You'll begin using words like 'hip'.

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My shoes from my twenties vs. my shoes from my thirties.

You'll seem to spend a lot of your time going for smear tests. If you're not having one, you'll be opening letters from the hospital telling you you're due another one or reading texts telling you to book for one. G.U.M. becomes a well known term you were never previously familiar with in your teens.

You will need glasses.

Another grain of sand on your hour glass of life is the way that you drive. You will find yourself adhering to the speed limits at all times. Your brain has switched to 'sensible' and you cannot stray from legalities. You have a sudden need to pause when switching to gears to reverse when parking. Stop. Pause. Go to Reverse. Pause. Reverse. Pause. Switch to to Drive. Pause. Drive. Pause. Hand brake. Gradually, you will begin to drive constantly with both hands on the wheel. By 30 you'll average the '10 to 2' position and bit by bit, edge down to the middle-aged '20 to 4'. All the while enjoying the variety of interesting topics you've found that Radio 4 discuss, or shouting 'TUUUUNNEEE' when Magic FM plays the likes of Lionel Richie and The Bee Gees. The volume now goes up when the news comes on because you feel out of touch if you don't have daily updates and you actually listen to the travel. Occasionally though, you'll want to put on some R & B and feel 'down with the kids'. So you play Akon....

So, good luck beautiful. It's going to be a pleasantly bumpy road. Embrace it. Just prepare your comebacks to the following remarks.

'Better get having children before it's too late.'

'You're invited to the wedding of *everyone you know* R.S.V.P.'

'I thought you were older than that.'

'When are you getting married?'

'What's your long term career plan then?'

'Your next smear test is due.'

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