It's no accident that I founded Kindness Incorporated™ having been in a relationship with the most unkind person I had ever met. Of course, he didn't show up that way, and this 'trick' hurt me deeply. My process of recovery and healing (two different processes I believe) allowed me to crystallize and develop my method of being your own 'personal neuro-navigator' (PNN). I wanted to make certain that something world changing can come out of my experience of collapse.
I came to realize that it was not the last assault that broke me, it was the 4 years of trying to make a dire situation good. It was 4 years of trying to comprehend, and endure being confused and living with a bully. I was worn down, worn out, and I could not work out what was going on. The assault took the last of my gumption, it took my now, it took my home, it took my future, it took my health, most crucially it hurt my children. They were 3 and 8 when I met him, and I was distraught that I could not have those years back without this man devastating our family life. The 'relationship' had taken everything I had and more.
I realized this was exactly what people I worked with told me. They had collapsed through stress at work, trauma, poor relationships and chronic bad experiences. They were already worn down and then one thing, one day knocked them off their feet.
My experience, though terrifying and heart-breaking, was the greatest teaching I've ever had. I was an expert in PTSD and ended up with it (I can laugh at the irony now). I was entirely at the mercy of my neurology which rendered me a shaking, twitchy, afraid insomniac. I wanted to write but I couldn't hold a pen, I couldn't read as I was unable to focus, and my short-term memory had vanished. Most frightening of all, I did not recognize myself, not a single resource or characteristic of my personality was left unaltered. I truly believed I would not recover, and I thought the real me was lost.
Once the post-traumatic stress started to recede my initial reaction was to 'go to war on myself' and create a deep web of inner brutality of thought where I could not forgive myself, where I would berate my stupidity dozens of times a day. Coming to the realization that my own inner brutality was preventing my recovery, and it was the single most important thing that was creating burnout and breakdown within my clients was key. My experience 'gifted' me a confluence of personal & professional insight that would revolutionize my world.
Once I realized the inner brutality was trying to save me from the agony of grief and shame, I had hope of recovery.
Inner brutality is actually the real way that the 'stiff upper lip' and 'carry on regardless' culture plays out. Inner brutality is a deeply clever way of not taking responsibility for how we feel, and for our recovery. Our streets, towns, and cities are full of people who are unhealed and who are brutalizing themselves, and it doesn't have to be that way. Truth is, inner brutality is contagious. Better still kindness is also contagious, and the contagion that can change the world.
It took 12 months of focus and allowing every single feeling I had, every agony I felt to find how to turn inner brutality into kindness. This became the 3 Keys to Kindness which are a core feature of the methodology. The 3 Keys was developed to help you become open and robust enough to become your own 'personal neuro-navigator' (PNN). With specialist support you are the best person to discover and 'police' your deep ways of being that don't suit you anymore.
Inner kindness was the way I could take true responsibility. I NEEDED to feel bad for where I had been, feel bad for not seeing it, feel bad for my children, feel bad for loving someone unworthy of my love, and then MOVE ON.
5 reasons to become your own personal neuro-navigator
1. Consider a lifelong companionable relationship with yourself and leave behind all inner brutality (all self-harm including berating, swearing, hurting yourself).
2. Discovering your old neurological template allows you to be conscious of it, and start having some control over it
3. You learn that old neurology is not your fault, it is 'imprinted' without your knowledge, but it is your responsibility
4. Knowledge, consciousness, and commitment to KINDNESS gives you improving personal power 'You can teach an old dog new tricks'.
5. Through kindness to yourself, you get to live with genuine resilience, ease, opportunity, and joy. You can never let yourself down or fall out with yourself. You become emotionally mature and responsible.