THE BLOG

Love Is Real - How Fear Keeps Us From Starting a Relationship

23/10/2014 11:21 BST | Updated 22/12/2014 10:59 GMT

Was there ever a time when we lived love fully, when we knew how to nurture ourselves and be playful all the time? Were we thankful for what Mother Earth brought us daily, and did we use our natural resources in a wise way? Was there ever a time when we lived in paradise? Instead of atomic bombs, we could have built love sanctuaries to nourish and encourage ourselves.

Most people are distracted and think more about the past and the future rather than living in the present. The ego tells us that we are not lovable or good enough and that there are always better opportunities out there. Most of us don´t have a life plan, and we have forgotten our vision. Most people won't even allow themselves to have a vision.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankhar is one of the spiritual teachers I admire. From his heartfelt knowledge, he tells us that "love is existence. Every creature experiences love. Love is where there is a pull, a force, an attraction ... Someone can stand and give you a talk about love for two hours, but that does not convey what a baby or dog conveys to you through vibrations."

Jesus was a master at teaching us how to love everything, and he also asked his Father to forgive people who made mistakes, because, in Jesus' words, "they do not know what they are doing."

When we want love too much or we seek love from a place of fear, that's when love disappears. The more we want it, the less it shows up. So it's no wonder that fear often appears when it comes to the topic of relationships.

When we were babies, we were all love. We were playful and in a state of bliss. But already by the age of 5, we could feel a difference. Life was not as sweet as before. We had already experienced some rejection, and we were not loved as much as we wanted to be. We thought that something must be wrong with us or that we were not good enough to receive attention, love and acknowledgement. Gradually, our attitudes reflected our low self-esteem. We had learned that life was tough and that love was not easy to get. These experiences probably also coloured our future relationships.

In a relationship, emotions can change from love to guilt, anger or rejection, and when this happens, it causes bad feelings. We don´t want to hurt the other person, or we feel contempt, or maybe we feel excluded.

Often, when we feel ourselves falling in love, we don´t yet know the other person. Our hearts begin to open, but we feel vulnerable. Can we trust them? Does this person love us? Is this person really interested in us? These are all things we cannot control.

We're also afraid that we could lose what began in such a heavenly way. We've already experienced what it's like to be angels, and now we have fallen from heaven to earth and landed abruptly on the ground of this reality. Ouch, that hurt.

A new relationship reminds us of our past intimate connections and hurt feelings. Maybe we were rejected or lost somebody, or the other person really misused our trust. These are feelings we definitely want to avoid. Now in this new relationship, it´s a challenge to overcome the memory of these negative experiences.

So how can we help this situation? How can we experience a fulfilling relationship?

To have a healthy relationship, we need

- a good relationship with ourselves

If we don´t love ourselves, we cannot love another person in the right way.

It is our responsibility to take care of our bodies, souls and minds.

- the willingness to work on the relationship

Mostly, we complain and criticise. When something has to be worked out, each person should have the will to bring out the best aspects of the intimate connection they have with the other person.

- to develop our vision and have a life plan

This means realising our dreams through our creativity. Then we can attract the right circumstances, money and people into our lives.

Some people want to have a relationship only because they don´t want to be alone, but that sets up a low expectation for your new life together, don't you think?

To avoid repeating failure, it's important to know whom you want to attract into your life. "Make a list," I always tell the men and women I coach. This list should contain the qualities that the person should have and that you want to attract into your life.

Men and women are different, and this can also create misunderstanding. Men communicate differently from women. Understanding the language that men and women use is a big help along the road to creating a healthy and happy relationship.