2013-05-25T04:47:55-04:00 Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/index.php?author=charlotte-friedman Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Charlotte Friedman Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3284662 2013-05-16T05:43:27-04:00 2013-05-16T05:53:41-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
In interview with the Daily Mail this week, Agnetha Faltskog from ABBA has said that the massive hit, 'The Winner takes it All' was written about her break up from ex Abba member Bjorn Ulvaeus. Great hit. My experience of clients is that each person in the marriage feels that the other is the 'winner' who has 'taken it all.' That in essence, there are no winners.

What has been taken is not just financial, it is a feeling of taking life as it was known, friends, holidays, family set up, lifestyle - the list is endless. There are no winners, because each person feels diminished in some way. Even though it might seem from your own point of view, that you are the loser, that your ex now 'has it all', I can assure you that it may seem that way, but he or she doesn't. It might have been their idea to leave, or their affair that broke it, but unless your ex is some sort of psychopath, he or she will have feelings of guilt, of reproach, of sadness of losing daily contact with children, of loss of friends, of in-laws. When I was a family law barrister, before I qualified as a therapist, I was struck by how many clients whose cases I 'won' for them would come out of court and look depressed and dejected. I began to realise, that even if I got for the client exactly what he or she wanted, child-wise or finance wise, that it didn't seem to make them happy. In fact, it was for the clients, the dawning of a realisation that, despite ostensibly 'winning' in court, there was still deep loss to mourn and to process which no amount of validating court orders could overcome.

Having your children most of the time, or having no financial worries go some way to relieving the stress of those issues, but it does not go to the heart of what a person has to go through on separation; which is loss. I have yet to meet someone who says, 'I feel great, I've left my wife or husband.' Or 'I feel great, I have just been left by my partner.' Winning in Court is a pyrrhic victory. Winning the battle of emotion is what really counts. That is something entirely different and can be achieved with time, with help and with patience. 'The Winner takes it All' is a myth, born out of an idealised view that the other side has walked into the sunset with everything intact. This, in reality, almost never happens. Separation damages everyone, but in different ways. Once mourned, and once processed, you can have it all - a different 'all', but it is there to discover if you process the loss properly. Divorce is an end, but it is also a beginning.

Charlotte Friedman
http://www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk/workshops/]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3228672 2013-05-07T08:13:53-04:00 2013-05-09T12:12:53-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/ here. Do we feel envious of their wealth, or just disdainful because of the way they have accumulated it? The general feeling seems to be that they have done nothing to 'earn' it so why should they benefit. The cynic might say that the marriage was entered into with an eye on the main prize.

In the real world that most of us inhabit, we enter into marriages for all the right reasons. On divorce, there is less money and one person is often more dependent on the other for financial support. It is easy to think that generally if women stay at home and work less because of children, that they haven't earned any divorce pay-out from their husbands. But, the law recognises that one, usually the wife, needs to be compensated for their dependency. Perhaps the wife has supported the husband's ability to work by working less herself or looking after the children. If so, why should she be in a worse position, struggling to make ends meet on divorce. There is a pendulum that swings. Most of the time, the distribution works well, but there are times, when it is hard to see, with short marriages, no children or where there is sufficient for the wife to live on, why the husband should pay out disproportionately. I see many men who feel so put upon and so oppressed by the system which feels to them like giving a meal ticket for life to a woman they might only have been with for 4 years,that they are sceptical about the family law system.

There is a definite case for dependent women who have given things up for the marriage and where the marriage is long and there are children. There is also a good case for thinking more about the men who earn modestly, who are put under pressure in their 30's who are so stripped of their earnings and future earnings that it is hard for them to pick up the pieces and start again in a relationship. As marriages seem to get shorter and people are divorcing in their 20's and 30's, there has to be some recognition (where there are no children) that settlements should not be such that they prohibit people moving on. I see men who have to work simply to pay maintenance to women who have earning capacity themselves or who can carry on as they were before they were married, that is who have not given anything up by marrying. The danger of men having to do this, is that we will find a generation of people unwilling to marry again, or unable to afford to start again. If that was to happen it would be a real shame. There are those, for whom 50% is equitable and there are those for whom it simply isn't. The Courts need to make a distinction between them.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2858640 2013-03-12T06:36:23-04:00 2013-05-12T05:12:01-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
Their fall from grace has been like watching a car crash in slow motion. The only difference between the Huhne/Pryce separation and others, is that they actually put into action, all their anger, bitterness and hatred, with devastating consequences for not only themselves, but also their family and their friends. They say that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned; well one would have to look no further for the evidence. Their separation and its Technicolor ramifications should make us all take a deep breath before acting out of spite.

There has been no upside in their separation. The consequences of their downfall and unravelling has meant losing jobs, losing face, losing family, losing friends, losing security and losing respect. During separation, we can feel many of the things that this couple clearly felt, but fortunately, when dealt with quietly and thoughtfully, they are temporary and are capable of remedy. They are capable of remedy because if we are sensible in managing separation, then our sense of right and wrong can remain intact and we can grow and develop out of it. It is not just because Huhne and Pryce are in the public eye that they will always be associated with this. It is because they have wreaked such havoc and nastiness on each other, that they can never successfully be good role models for their children, or have respectful relationships with either each other or their children. Their friends will have looked on in horror, as each of this couple in trying to communicate the loathing of the other, have destroyed something fundamental in life - integrity.

It is unusual that a divorce ends in criminal proceedings and prison, but we would do well to hold in mind in this extreme case, what can happen when we let our actions get the better of us. Anger, bitterness, envy, hate are all normal feelings. It's what we do with them that really matters. Understanding, that in bringing the other person down, is only going to bring you down. Tearing someone else apart however justified it might feel, will only tear you apart in the process. Take your feelings somewhere where they can be understood and managed. Feel them, go through them and come out the other side in time. Keep family relationships intact for the sake of the children and for the sake of your own sense of self. That is what is important.

Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce may have quite a bit of time now to reflect on the craziness of the past year. I wonder if they will ever wish they had managed it all differently. From the insensitive, callous way he chose to communicate his affair, to the vengeful, spiteful way she chose to try to bring him down. There are never any winners in these sorts of battles. Both people lose. The only way to win is to be good to yourself by not embarking on a war of attrition. Hopefully, if nothing else, their case will serve to teach us that.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2662293 2013-02-11T11:03:48-05:00 2013-04-13T05:12:01-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
I am of course, talking about Valentines Day. There is not a High Street in the land which has shops that don't peddle hearts and flower. There is not a TV ad that doesn't do the same. Why though, do we buy it? When we are separated and feeling bereft, we cling to an idea that being with someone is an ideal. We cling to the idea that someone is an idealised person. I have seen countless people in the course of my therapy practice who are going through divorce and separation. Of course, all are feeling the loss of not only that person, but the loss of so much else - perhaps friends, lifestyle, holidays, weekends, future, retirement, children, I could go on for pages. What becomes evident though is that the marriage or partnership was not ideal, and they had been unhappy for quite a while which is more the real situation. That doesn't mean it's not a loss, but it does mean, you are looking at something more realistically.

Why is it though that the hearts and flowers almost rammed down our throat make the loss even more poignant. We all know that when together, most of the time, we choose to ignore the commercial cynicism of valentine cards or flowers that are triple the price on the 14th February. We all know that valentines day is really for young new couples in the first flush of love, not for people who have been married for a while. It is, just like Christmas, one day. It is a way of enhancing sales for the card, flower and chocolate industry. It is really important as a separated person, to keep it in perspective. So many people say that when they are separated, almost the whole world feels like they are holding hands with someone. That is the very essence of it. The loss is so painful, that it makes you feel that you are the only person in the world feeling like this. It is just not so. Our workshops and groups are evidence of that.

Being separated needs to be mourned and processed but it is not a moment in time that you need to feel stuck in for ever. It is a moment in time that will move like all other moments. Instead of feeling on the outside of something, it is better to begin to let that go (sometimes with professional help) and then to work on being on the inside of something else, something new that is a more accurate reflection of where you are in your life right now. By being outside something and looking in, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. It is not where you need or deserve to be. You deserve to be inside, not the old discarded relationship, but inside a new type of life. If Valentine's Day matters to you in your separated state, then there is more work for you to do to disentangle yourself from your past and look towards something new.

Charlotte Friedman.
www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk
0844 800 9098 (National)
0207 483 1378 (London)]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2445494 2013-01-10T04:58:42-05:00 2013-03-11T05:12:01-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
If you are separated or divorced, then 2013 will hold all sorts of anxieties and fears about what it may bring. The New Year can feel like a lifetime stretching ahead with nothing in it to look forward to. It can feel like a long road of conflict and hostility and it can feel like an overwhelming amount of loss or emptiness. Although it may not seem like this right now, it is a fact, that divorce is an end, but it is also very much a new beginning. Divorce is an end to the beginning of your relationship, but it is also the beginning of something else, perhaps not yet known.

If you are thinking of resolutions, there are some that need to be made and need to be adhered to, because they affect not only our lives but have an impact on those around us. What is absolutely sure is that if you have children, they will need protecting from conflict between you and your ex. Their relationship with their other parent is completely different from your relationship and feelings towards that person. Therefore, one of your resolutions that should be kept is to keep any hostility and acrimony to minimum visibility. Keep it below the radar, because you will be doing them the biggest favour. You need to look back to this time and feel proud about the way you have handled it for your children.

Make a resolution for 2013 to find a new life for you. It may feel right now, like second best or like you don't know where to start. One minute in one day is where you start and take one minute or one hour at a time. By holding onto hostility or endless thoughts about your ex, you are protecting yourself from moving forward or thinking about that scary unplanned for future. Let go and face forward, there are opportunities for you there and a place and space just for you. The unfamiliar is always frightening, but as soon as you inhabit it, it becomes familiar and more comfortable.

Make a resolution that once a month you will look at one bad point in 2012 as your marker. Then using that marker, you will see how far you have moved and how much better you feel compared to that point. You are entitled to feel better and to move through this painful process and come out the other side intact.

Although you may feel you are the only one feeling like this, you are not. The statistics themselves show that one in 3 marriages end in divorce, you are far from alone. Sometimes, by holding onto the same lifestyle, you are not acknowledging that when we experience different life events, it means sometimes the old way doesn't fit any more. Friends or invitations may fall away and life will feel different. That doesn't mean you should feel on the outside of things just that you could be on the inside of something else, something that fits better. Resolve to be brave enough to find out what that is.
Make 2013 the year you faced an incredible challenge and overcame it. Let 2012 go and resolve to do all that you need to, to make 2013 better for yourself.

You can email Charlotte Friedman at mail@divorcesupportgroup.co.uk
http://www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk/support/coping-with-separation

http://www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk/workshops/]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2276111 2012-12-11T07:16:35-05:00 2013-02-10T05:12:02-05:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
For many women, Christmas is a painful reminder of what it means to be separated or divorced. A time for families and yet for you it may mean that children will not be at home or only partially at home. For other women, it may mean being alone or having an entirely different sort of experience from the one that might have been enjoyed for years.

Coping with divorce is not only about the immediate emotional impact of loss, it can also be coping with knowing that the ex is with someone else or there is a family or friends gathering somewhere that you used to be a part of.

Christmas cards written and signed by one person instead of two, shopping for presents given from one person instead of two, thoughts of the in laws having a family gathering to which you are excluded and the thought of Christmas lunch with friends or family and children but not yours can seem unendurable.

Although there is no quick fix, there are ways to make the experience better and anticipation and preparation can be the key. The idea is to lessen its impact so that it can be viewed not so much in the context of what isn't available and therefore missed, but in the context of what is available and can be enjoyed.

Make a list of your worst fears and then take some time to really look at it. A list will often include feeling alone, feeling everything is second best, feeling insecure and unvalued, feeling left out and envious of imagined good times that other people are having. Really looking at the list can put it in perspective. Instead of everything feeling unmanageable and overwhelming, you can look at what is bothering you most and it will feel more contained - some things won't seem as bad as others.

Prepare early so that you are not left feeling vulnerable. Look at your worst fears and meet them head on. If you don't want to be alone, make an arrangement way in advance so you can look forward to it and know you have something to do.

If your children are going to be away for a few days, try to think of it as a mini break for you. If you can re-frame the experience of it, then it will feel easier, a gain rather than a loss. They will be coming back, so take advantage of a few days for you. It may not be what you want or what you would choose, but because it will happen, you will need to find the positives in it.
If your worry is that you have nowhere to have Christmas lunch, make plans now. If you really can't find somewhere to go, perhaps you could host your own lunch or drinks party. It is a start and a way of saying, this year has been bad, but I can survive and manage. People will see that you are embracing the change and will support you in it. Hold your head up.

If plans are not working for you, as it is all too complicated and too much effort, perhaps you can think about sitting this Christmas out, in terms of what you are used to and instead contact a charity and make yourself available for the day. Although it doesn't feel like it, it is in fact, only one day. That day will come and it will go and however you have spent it, it will pass. You are entitled to feel sad and unsettled, that is normal.

Perhaps you can give some thought to this year ending and a new one beginning, with new choices, new freedoms and new possibilities. Anything new is fearful and it may feel more comfortable to just wish for your old life back. As 2013 is heralded in, change will come with it if you allow it to and if you open the door to the New Year, a fresh start will blow right in.

Charlotte Friedman
Founder of Divorce Support Group.
www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk/copingwithdivorce
0844 800 90 98]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2036772 2012-10-29T03:08:49-04:00 2012-12-28T05:12:01-05:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
Having run many divorce support groups and divorce workshops, I begin to wonder whether friends are always the helping hand and the shoulder to cry on that is needed. If they are, what is the price that is paid for that? It would seem that friends can be the opposite of what is expected simply adding to the feelings of disappointment. It is natural to think that those you thought were closest to you would jump to the occasion and provide all the comfort and security without being asked.

However, friends who you might have been on numerous holidays with as families or as a couple, or friends that you spent nights in the pub with, or Saturday nights having dinner with downing a bottle of wine and having a laugh sometimes seem to disappear. That feeling of taking for granted some very basic elements of security get whipped away at the same time as your relationship. It is incredibly painful to know that your friends are now inviting your ex and not you, and have perhaps 'coupled up' with your ex and his or her new partner instead of staying loyal to you. There are also friends for whom you are suddenly not the draw that you were before. I hear you say, that you are not invited anymore for dinner because you are not part of a couple and don't fit, that somehow if you are female that you are a 'threat' to married men.

Then there are the friends who are real friends, but who you feel you are burdening with the looped tape of your divorce. You, of course, need to talk endlessly about your feelings and what your ex has done and continues to do, but your fear is that the friendship can't sustain it. That's when you need a local group or workshop or some individual sessions to support you so that you can be free to feel less burdensome of those around you that you love.

There are also friends who are full of wise advice. Is it wise though, or is it a reflection of their own agendas? It is impossible to hear someone close to you saying, 'it's time to move on, you should be over it by now, nobody liked him/her anyway. None of those things, although meant well are at all helpful. In fact, they are quite shocking. Those words put a distance between you and your friend who is not as understanding as you thought they were.

With separation come all sorts of changes and losses. Friendships are one of those. Lifestyle changes with divorce and so do friends. Don't be surprised, be ready and think of it as a way of meeting new people more in keeping with your new life who will grow with you through it. They will be more relevant and fit better. There is a loss inevitably, but there is also a gain.
Charlotte Friedman
www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk
0207 483 1378
08448009098.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1909097 2012-09-24T09:24:28-04:00 2012-11-24T05:12:01-05:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/ Daily Mail is full of stories about the Co-op and their cheap divorces and the Telegraph is talking of a survey in which 13% of people contemplate divorce and then have stepped back from the brink.

What does this all mean? Well, I think it means that if there ever was any doubt about it, divorce and its consequences are now in our everyday thinking. At last. Years ago, divorce was a word spoken quietly, like the word cancer was. It was shameful and embarrassing. If it had to happen, it was clandestine like an affair and it was incredibly hard to achieve. Now, it is out in the open, discussed, debated and endlessly written about. From celebrities to common folk, divorce is now part of our DNA, and part of our societal make up.

As divorce has proliferated so have the ways of dealing with it. From legal innovation to emotional support, and an internet presence, there are endless ways of looking at and thinking about divorce. Does any of this make it any easier, less traumatic, difficult or painful? Well, I think that in some ways it does. The fact that Family Dispute Resolution Week is here to discuss alternatives to litigious hostile polarisation within the legal process is a good thing. The growth of collaborative law and mediation as viable, solid ways of breaking down the assets in a marriage and dealing with its impact for children is a thousand times better than the days of detectives in macs proving adultery or the days of issuing a divorce petition as the start of an always contested court hearing. We have come a long way. Even the emotional support, words hitherto unspoken as it was never thought that support should even enter the equation, is a thousand times better than before. Previously, people had to suffer silently, behind closed doors. Now we have support groups, individual counselling, chat forums, books etc etc. Divorce is properly on the map. That is not to say, that the impact of divorce is any less painful but at least it is acknowledged and catered for and therefore people going through it do not feel like social pariahs or wicked people.

The marriage campaigners have banged on for years about no fault divorces making it too easy to give up on marriage. They are still campaigning that for those unable to afford costly lawyers, a divorce obtained through the C0-OP will mean people will jump out of their marriages at the drop of a hat. I don't think so. Divorce is more prevalent because it's easier. It's more prevalent because people don't have to spend their lives being unhappy. People have a choice and although divorce doesn't mean that life will be blissful afterwards it does mean that people have a freedom that they didn't have before. No-one disputes that marriage isn't better than divorce, that children are better brought up in a secure family than not. These arguments are not either or. Divorce is painful and people who embark upon it have given it a lot of thought or else are on the receiving end and have no choice as their partner has left. Let's not give them a hard time. Let's make it more comfortable for them and support them instead of deriding them. We as a society would be better off for it.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1853711 2012-09-05T19:00:00-04:00 2012-11-05T05:12:01-05:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
How then to manage? It is really important to accept that life is different. That doesn't mean worse, but simply different. When life changes are accepted, then you can inhabit them and make something of them, instead of battling against them. To fight life events which you can't change is tiring and is destined to make you feel alone. Fighting them leads to comparisons with other lives lived and then you feel that yours is wanting in all the wrong places. Your life is as valuable as the next persons - married or not. You have as much to offer as you did before and you are still you. If you can start to think about that, then you will be able to get back to the rhythm of your life, even if it is a different rhythm. This doesn't mean a 'pull yourself together' approach. You are entitled to feel devastated, angry, envious or whatever else you feel on any given day, but it is the wishful thinking that inevitably draws you down and compels you to look backwards.

Work can be a place where you can take your mind off your personal life for a few hours. Where you can be creative and feel that you are doing something that you are skilled at and used to. It can be a place which is a refuge from your separation worries. If it isn't, if it is a place where getting through the day is a chore in itself, then ask yourself is it the job or is it your feelings that are taking the pleasure out of it. If it is your feelings, then it is sometimes helpful to notice how you are feeling. That is, to think about what you feel at any given time. Sometimes feelings are overwhelming and are much more manageable and less chaotic when you give some thought to them. You may begin to notice that you thought you felt sad all the time, but actually there are certain things that happen that lift your mood. Be your own record keeper. Again, it will make you less tired and less at the mercy of a tide of emotions. Inevitably, if your job is getting you down, then that is a different story too.

Getting the kids back to school and yourself back to work can be the relief that it once was. You need to think yourself to the new life that you have and make it yours.

To find out about our future workshops please visit www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk/workshop]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1605107 2012-06-18T07:28:16-04:00 2012-08-18T05:12:12-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
The proposals are supposed to make it clear that both parents are equally important in a child's life, however organisations and individuals against the proposals say that the courts recognise this and therefore people (read fathers) will take advantage of the law, by bringing more applications to court which will then delay clarity for children.

The most important aspect is that not only should the courts recognise that children need a relationship with both parents, but that they should do something about it, when one parent doesn't promote that relationship with the other parent. There are so many cases where fathers win a court order allowing them contact with their children only to find it is still impossible as courts do little to ensure that the other parent complies.

It is hugely difficult for a court which could, in theory, say that a mother thwarting a court order should spend a few days in prison or be fined. No-one wants to send mothers to prison or impose more financial constraints on a family. Nor do courts want to take children away from their mothers and place them with their fathers as an antidote to alienation. By the time children are alienated from their fathers, it may be more emotionally abusive to uproot them from their primary home and put them with a parent who they purport to be frightened of, or hostile to. Where children are lucky enough to have two parents, they should not be stopped from loving and seeing them. That has to be their inalienable right, with the exception of abusing and violent parents, where children need our protection.

Most parents across the country recognise that an on-going relationship with both parents is fundamental to the healthy development of a child. It is the few that don't recognise it who cause untold problems by barricading themselves in with the children or banishing the other to the gulag till the ends of time. Will a law change this? I don't think so. We need to change attitudes and the way the courts deal with non-compliance. After all, family courts primary consideration is the children, it is enshrined in the Children Act that the children's needs are of paramount importance. If that is really the case, then something needs to be done to recognise that, so that spending proper time with each parent, actually happens. That doesn't mean 50-50 necessarily, but it does mean enabling, supporting, and condoning a long term meaningful relationship with both. Divorce and separation is a given, and how we deal with it has enormous repercussions for immediate and extended family. The issue of children has been put on the map by Families Need Fathers and Fathers 4 Justice. It needs to stay on the map until we as a society recognise how important both parents actually are.

www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1562084 2012-06-03T19:00:00-04:00 2012-08-03T05:12:17-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
It is easy now in a way that it never was before, to find out about a partners' infidelity through social media. Unfortunately, it is not just the revelation that is so accessible, but much more. By reading Facebook or Twitter, people find out the length of time of the infidelity, the depth of feeling between the partner and their affair, the language of love or sex that they use and just how serious or meaningful the relationship is. Not only that, but there is the callousness of a partner's lack of care, or empathy for the person he or she betrays.

For many, finding something on Facebook is the first clue that they might have had that all was not well in the relationship. Others may be on the receiving end of a discovery that either comes completely out of the blue or confirms earlier suspicions. It is an exposure made more painful by the fact it is relatively 'public.'

Due to its nature, a Facebook revelation enables you to investigate a massive back catalogue of this person's life. Depending on how you came upon the affair (maybe an unattended computer giving you access to all, or perhaps seeing just one message) and how their account is set up, you may be able to read all previous messages between them and your partner, see photos, see who their friends are, their interests and comments they make to others. The chances are you will even know someone who knows him or her.

It isn't just affairs with current partners that can cause great pain. You may have had suspicions over a partners relationship with someone else, to then find that after breaking up, they are with that person very soon after. It seems that when an ex 'falls in love' or starts a new relationship, that he or she is so consumed by the newness of it or the thrill of it, that any feeling of protection for the person who still believes that they are in a couple, is completely lost.

Seeing either your ex's or your current partner's new fling on Facebook shows you the face of that person, the smile, the body language, and where they holidayed. You can stare at a person rather than imagining them. You can read things into the way he or she looks, laughs, stands. It is a massive exercise in masochism and self-torture made all the more easy by the relatively little effort it takes to find it all out. For those, looking for even more evidence, it doesn't take much to build a time line of when the relationship started to match suspicions. It is the equivalent of finding your partner in bed with someone, but instead of a one off shock, surfing Facebook and re-living the pain can take hours of looking and discovering.

Social media hasn't made divorce easier, but it has made separation more painful. It used to be that you found out in stages, giving a modicum of time to get used to something. People who had suspicions would live with them and then go through a bank statement or listen in on a phone call (remember, we used to all have land lines?) to find out what was going on. This has now been replaced by spy ware and cyber detectives. People could find out gradually, understand something slowly and come to a slow dawning about what was going on. Now the revelation hits you like never before, it is brutal.

In a world where our whole lives are on display via social media, we can live our lives on the outside, leaving very little for inside. What is left, to go on behind closed doors framed by discretion, integrity and mutual respect seems to be very little. My advice to anyone embarking on a cyber-investigation that goes beyond confirming a suspicion of infidelity is, don't do it. The revelation itself will be quite enough to deal with over the coming months. There is no need to beat oneself up with any more detail than that.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1545069 2012-05-25T07:19:39-04:00 2012-07-25T05:12:18-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
It is because the summer holidays are so long that this issue raises its head. It is seasonal, like arguments over where the children should spend Christmas Day or New Year's Eve. Summer is the longest school holiday of the year and parents who hitherto have been 'short-changed' in the child contact department feel, that now is their opportunity to spend real, quality, uninterrupted time with their child.

Now, due to the length of the holiday, they can even manage a two week break to take them away. Is this wonderful? Not to the parent, seething with resentment that a holiday with the ex, might mean forfeiting their own plans for a holiday with their child. What often happens is that despite the fact that the summer is about six weeks in length, both parents decide that they want to take their child on holiday over the same period of time. Not possible. Who should take precedence then? The argument goes, that tickets have already been bought, or that the grandparents are only available to be on holiday with the child during that particular time, or the step brothers and sisters are only available (on release from their resident parent) during that two weeks and how nice would it be if your child could be on holiday at the same time as them. The argument on the other side goes that the child's godmother has invited him and you away and that is the only time that she has that particular flat that you can all stay in, or a whole bunch of friends have rented a villa and they are all going with their children, so you can't go without yours. It is the judgement of Solomon to make these decisions in the absence of agreement. Whichever parent succeeds the other parent fails. One is bound to be unhappy. Judgements are based on what happened last summer, whose plans are the most immoveable, what would be best for the child.

Do other factors come into play when ex couples polarise themselves and pitch into battle? Is it that it is hard to be on your own for two weeks without your children when you are the main carer and with them most of the time. Is it that, feeling on the edge of things as the non-resident parent, it is the time to redress the balance and equalise the scales in your favour. Both these things are true and both bring with them, problems because it is the children who are caught in the middle. The summer reminds us of times when we were together as a family, making plans all under one roof and singing from the same hymn sheet. The summer post separation can feel more like an argument waiting to happen and it can feel like loss and unfamiliarity. It's not easy to find a suitable holiday venue alone with your children that you feel comfortable with so invitations from friends or family have to be taken advantage of even if the dates don't suit everyone. Summer time and the living is easy? Not always.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1508863 2012-05-11T08:36:17-04:00 2012-07-11T05:12:13-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
My experience both when I was a family lawyer and now as a therapist is that it is so much harder for a father to maintain a close or sometimes any relationship with his children after divorce or separation. My experience is that if a mother alienates her children against the father or subverts contact, then the court really can do and does do very little about it. It is all very well, bringing a mother back to court for breaching a contact order, but if the only sanction is to have a Judge say that you must allow your child to have contact, then the situation will continue. Sometimes, very rarely, the court removes the children and places them with the father. That is because the Court will say that it is emotionally abusive to make your children not want to go for contact. However, if you balance, that emotional abuse against taking children away from their mother where apart from no contact, they are settled and happy, then 9 times out of 10, the court will decide its best to leave them where they are. There are many fathers up and down the country who would dearly love to see their children and have a full and meaningful relationship with them.

There are many children up and down the country who don't see their father because of how their parent's separation has been handled, normally by the resident parent. Those children will grow up feeling that their father has abandoned them or that their father is not a sufficiently good person for them to have a relationship with him. Given that every child is made up of half of each of his parents, thinking that your father is 'bad' is not a great way to foster self-esteem or encourage healthy adult relationships in later life. If we can't stop mothers alienating children or being implacably hostile to their ex-partner in front of the children, then at least we can provide some sanction which will release the children from that bind and enable them to have a good enough relationship with their father. Will legislation that simply promotes an ongoing relationship with both parents achieve that? I think not. Will it make any difference to what has been going on and silently sanctioned by our Courts for years?
Again, I think not.

Sadly, for all those fathers who suffer so much by being marginalized in their children's lives, this legislation when it comes, will be too little, too ineffective and just another example of wasted rhetoric. If the Government means business and truly believes that our society, present and future would be better if children had a good, loving unfettered relationship with both parents, then legislation needs to be introduced which reflects that. The evidence is there, it needs to be acted on.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1473703 2012-05-03T19:00:00-04:00 2012-07-03T05:12:03-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
It is always a shock for the person who not only has to battle with her or his personal loss whilst managing the process for any children. The common belief is that you can always rely on your friends to stick by you. Not so. There are those friends who, much like with bereavement, don't know how to cope with the news, and don't know what to say. So, they say nothing and slip quietly in the background, choosing to opt out than deal with difficult conversations.

Then there are the friends who feel the need to choose which half of the couple they are going to support and who choose your ex for reasons that may seem baffling. Finally, there are the friends who only operate in a couple and no longer have room for you as a single person, choosing to leave you off the dinner party list and the weekends away.

Losing friends, especially when your expectation is that they will be by your side helping you cope, is a very painful business and at a time when you think you couldn't feel worse, you have the added sadness of missing people who may have been with you for a very long time. It is made worse by an element of disbelief and perhaps fury that your ex has effectively 'taken' someone who was very important to you.

It is always important to ask when you feel like this, "what does separation look like?"

Separation looks like change. It is a change of everything. It is change of life-style, child care, holidays and social life. The process, when the time is right, is to recalibrate your expectations and the trajectory of your life. Change is frightening but it is not life threatening and good things can come out of it. Friends are not disposable and they are important and significant, but it is possible to make new ones, who may be more in keeping with your new life and more understanding of this new period. Divorce is like throwing everything known and comfortable up in the air and then watching whilst it settles in a different unfamiliar way. It is understanding that things will be different and that in time, when you have caught up with that difference, that too will assume an air of familiarity and you will begin to feel comfortable again. Change is always anxiety and fear provoking, but growth comes out of change and that is important.

Friends can feel like the infrastructure of our lives, our sounding board, our pick me up. They can also give us enormous pain when they are lost, like any connected, loving relationship. Take those that stay, say goodbye to those that go, but don't lose sight of your ability to make connections and that sometimes in life, what fits one period, doesn't fit another. It takes two to create a relationship and it needs two to keep it going. Let it go if that is what is needed, mourn the loss and when you are ready, you will make other friends who fit the new you and your new life.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1419990 2012-04-12T06:18:58-04:00 2012-06-12T05:12:01-04:00

Charlotte Friedman http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-friedman/
Of course, like anything in life, people react to major life events in different ways. Some people are able to function after a separation and some people aren't. Some people allow the 'story' of their divorce to become their life narrative for many years, telling it as if it was yesterday and allowing it to inform and explain all sorts of reasons why a job was not applied for, or there hasn't been another relationship, or why they have lost their friends or why they are permanently depressed. To make separation or divorce your life narrative is to be stuck in time and stuck in an event that seems impossible to get round or move out of the way. For others, there is the mourning process which in time enables you to say goodbye and move on, transferring love, affection and joy for life elsewhere.

For some, separation triggers earlier losses that haven't been fully processed and therefore the grief in the present is amplified more than it might otherwise be. Apart from the bereavement and ensuing grief that comes with divorce, there is also the question 'is this normal?' Should I be feeling like this? Many people at our workshops talk about their friends thinking its time they moved on and they should be over it by now. It is impossible to 'get over' something unless it is properly mourned and dealt with. What is needed in order to heal is patience, support and feeling that you are not the only one. Sharing experiences and learning how others cope in similar situations is undoubtedly helpful. Understanding your emotions and therefore making sense of them and creating some order out of them is also invaluable. Feeling you are not the only one goes a long way to feeling that what you are going through is normal.

The question how long does it take to get over divorce is asked because it is too difficult to contemplate that the pain that is felt will last one day longer than absolutely necessary. Just as when you have an operation or are ill, you are keen to know from the Doctor when you will feel better, you would like to know by what month you will feel more like your old self. There is no specific answer but I can say, that after a year things should feel better and after two, much better. If after two years the grief, anger and upset feels as though it is the same as it was in the beginning then you will need some professional help to look at what is stopping you moving on with your life. Many people use the anger they feel at their divorce as a way of stopping them looking at an unplanned for future or looking forward. If you can keep looking back at what has happened, you have the false feeling that you are still somehow hooked into a relationship of a kind instead of letting it go and feeling the fear of a future that you haven't planned for.

To let go means to look forward rather than back and to let go means letting go of something that is familiar and therefore comfortable even though it is also unbelievably painful. It is relatively easy to get a legal divorce, getting an emotional one is a whole different story. Just like bereavement, getting over a divorce takes time and the process can be made quicker with professional help. ]]>