2013-05-18T15:24:03-04:00 Daniel Johnson http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/index.php?author=daniel-johnson Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Daniel Johnson Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2470195 2013-01-15T19:00:00-05:00 2013-03-17T05:12:01-04:00

Daniel Johnson http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-johnson/
I've had my current model for two years. I was happy with it until about two months ago, when it started getting slow, turning itself off, etc. The phone I had before that? Same deal. It was a glorious feat of engineering for two years before it started to struggle with the big tasks, like sending a text message or receiving a phone call.

Same thing happened to my friends a few years back with their iPhones. After our iPhone 3s models began dying, for no reason, the solution to me was clear: go find a more reliable manufacturer. But my friends all said, "let's get the new iPhone!"

Hold on. A phone craps out for no reason other than being 700 days old, and your instant thought is to buy the same thing again, just the newer, shinier version, which apparently has a new battery which can last all the way through dinner?

Apple's products are notorious for their planned obsolescence. There have been lawsuits. This is a company who have convinced you that a dead battery means you need to upgrade your whole phone!

Remember when things were built to last? Even those Nokias in the nineties could last through a whole weekend. But as for modern smartphones, the manufacturers don't want us content and satisfied, they want us desperate for the next model.

Right now, the new Samsung is in fashion. That's all it is, fashion. We're a generation of pseudo-techno geeks whose free will is actually decided by whichever phone company has the most imaginative marketing.

The networks need to get us on new contracts every two years. And the manufacturers have to sell their products.

All I do on my phone is tweet, email, and text. Yet my android is rapidly slowing, just like my iPhone did.

Maybe it's a coincidence. Maybe Samsung is the answer, that's what the mainstream said in 2012. But even the Samsung users I know replace their handsets less than every two years.

The manufacturers have probably developed phones twenty years in advance, and they're just dangling the latest releases in front of us every six months, knowing that we'll cave.

I'm convinced that this is one of the biggest scams of our generation. The phones become close to unusable every two years, forcing us to upgrade. We've been so cleverly warped that, rather than complain, question, or make a stand - we upgrade. Thank you very much, give me the slightly thinner shinier phone with the great camera. And I'll see you again in 2015, because I hear there's a great phone coming out. And I MUST have it!]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2192203 2012-11-28T19:00:00-05:00 2013-01-28T05:12:01-05:00

Daniel Johnson http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-johnson/
But the 'hello' greeting between men and women is as confusing as ever. What are the rules? If you're meeting for the first time, a handshake will often do, but sometimes the woman wants a hug, like you're an old acquaintance from college. How are you meant to know?

The government need to step in. We need legislation. Sometimes a handshake/hug/kiss mishap leads to awkwardness, which is fine - but if you're not careful, it can lead to an unwanted kiss, or worse; head-butting. This is why I fear saying hello to women - if I get it wrong, I could end up in jail.

Say you bump into a woman who you've met only once previously, at a funeral. What is the protocol? One might think a hug, others may say a polite wave; but what if she's expecting a kiss on the cheek?

A kiss on the cheek is the most frightening greeting of all. Is it one cheek, or two? There's no way of knowing unless you insist on prior written notice. The single/double-cheek kiss fiasco is where most accidental head-butting occurs. It could also lead to sexual harassment litigation. What if the woman is expecting a firm shake of the hand, and you go for a double-cheek-kiss?

I acknowledge that this affects me more than it affects most people. I've seen you all at parties, casually gliding between kisses, handshakes and hugs. You're all so comfortable.

I never get it right. I'm the guy who, at the end of a date with a beautiful woman, opts for the ecstatic high-five. Or worse still, goes in for the kiss when my love interest has settled on a polite wave from a moving car.

I know I'm not alone. I sense that all women know what they're doing; it's just us guys who get it all wrong. Would it be so hard for the government to send out a pamphlet? Or for some women's group to lay out some ground rules?

If this doesn't get resolved soon, I may withdraw from greeting people altogether, it's just not worth the anxiety. If you don't relate to this, then you've never kissed a woman on the cheek when she was expecting a dap (fist-to-fist based greeting).

I must stop writing as I'm about to meet my friend, Samantha. And, as usual, I'm petrified of saying hello.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2098775 2012-11-09T04:30:25-05:00 2013-01-08T05:12:01-05:00

Daniel Johnson http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-johnson/
Occasionally, you get the big job. Someone pays you a ridiculous amount of money, which proves once and for all that your plan to be a freelancer was a piece of genius. So you call up the guy who's been paying you peanuts for months, and tell him goodbye; and then you tell those companies you've been doing low-paid jobs for that you can no longer work at such ridiculously low rates.

But then no more big projects come. And the small project people all hate you. Not only this but, you have no money. You have no work, no money, and no friends, because your friends are all at home with their partners deciding on which wallpaper to buy, while you've been single for five years because every time you meet someone you might be interested in, you offend them by asking if they need to hire a freelancer.

The main problem with being freelance is that everything you do is an attempt to get more work. You only rest because a self-help book told you that rest is an important part of success. You only go to parties because you think letting your hair down will help your productivity come Monday morning.

Not that you start work on Monday morning. You start work on Thursday morning, at 3.26am, because you've come up with a masterplan for your business. You email everyone in your contact list offering a special rate, and then you write a tweet in which every word comes with a hashtag. #Freelance #Genius #Available #For #Work #Please #ImDesperate #HelpMe. You wait for the offers to come in, but only one person wants you and they want you for free, but can only pay 50% up front. You agree to work for free, with the rest of nothing coming after six months.

If you're thinking of quitting the day job and becoming a freelancer, you need to know what freelancing entails. Yes, you get a certain 'freedom', which means you don't have to be at the desk by 9am, but it also means you wouldn't be able to afford a desk even if you wanted one.

And you may actually go insane.

You agree to do a job for 20% of your normal fee. Why? Because for two months you've got 0% of any fee and now you'll do anything, regardless of whether it's related to your field of expertise or not. It's 20% of your normal pay, but the job takes 140% as long. You work a sixteen hour day - doing whatever it is you do; writing, baking-cakes, teaching netball, dog whispering, etc. And then, after it's all finished, to stop yourself from losing your mind, you meet your friends for a late dinner.

"Have you been at work today?" asks your friend Norman, in a tone that implies freelancing means that you are nearly always sitting at home on Facebook. The truth is, you have been working all day every day and even when you're not working, that's only because you're looking for work - and even when you watch a movie, you're only doing it in the hope that the two hours of down-time will inspire your subconscious to come up with a masterful plan for generating income.

Self-employment is an act of faith. You are choosing a career in which there may not be any work tomorrow, or the day after that. And even when something does come your way, there's no guarantee they'll actually pay you. Freelance-etiquette is that you'll probably be paid within 30 days, but if not, hopefully within four years. It's impossible to save money, because you're always in need of more work. And you can't take a trip to the seaside, because then you're not working either - and you can't get sick or have an operation, because then no-one will write your articles, bake your cakes or cure your dogs.

So remind me why we put ourselves through this craziness?

Oh yeah, because the possibilities are endless. Because the freelancers I know, the ones who really work hard and have the talent to back it up - they get to travel to places that most only dream about, and they get to meet new people virtually every day. And occasionally, it happens. The big job. A heap of money lands in your account and then you are safe. Well, at least for a week or two.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1854703 2012-09-04T12:44:36-04:00 2012-11-04T05:12:01-05:00

Daniel Johnson http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-johnson/
You can also buy toothpaste for sensitive teeth, which specifically protects enamel, whereas ordinary toothpaste, I assume, obliterates it.

There is also a paste on the market which offers 'total' protection, but what does this mean? Does it mean you're protected forever, or only for a day? And does a pea-sized amount protect you totally, or do you need a larger amount?

You can also purchase toothpaste that has added fluoride - just like your local swimming pool -- meaning that if you forget to brush in the morning, then, when you head to the nearest baths, you need only swim with your mouth open to make your teeth cleaner.

There are many other super-powered-special toothpastes on the market. There's the one for stronger teeth, the one that protects gums, and the one that gives you fresh breath. Or, failing this - you can get a really cheap one that does none of those.

The main question, of course, is why do they not have a toothpaste that does all of these things?

Importantly, it's not just the paste! They now also make toothbrushes which are particularly skilled at whitening your teeth. But what happens if your toothbrush is made for whitening teeth, but the toothpaste is made for strengthening gums?

You can also buy 'Advanced' brushes, 'Plus' toothpastes and Triple Action Toothbrush-Toothpaste combos.

Despite all of this, when you go to the supermarket, you are still required to choose a toothbrush based on which one has the nicest colour. Unfortunately, as the toothbrush companies know only too well; it's impossible to remember who in your home has which coloured toothbrush. This is why you have seven green toothbrushes at home. If you want less green ones, I suggest you whiten them.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1727257 2012-08-03T19:00:00-04:00 2012-10-03T05:12:02-04:00

Daniel Johnson http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-johnson/
Everyone is posting advice on how to go about doing a thing, but who is actually doing the thing itself? Being an expert online is easy, watch:

Top Five Ways To Name Your Child:

1. Name it after a dead relative.
2. Don't name it after a dead relative.
3. Don't name it until a relative dies.
4. Kill the relative who has the best name.
5. Name it Barry.

See, easy! And now you're in awe of my baby naming expertise.

My generation is mostly unemployed and focused purely on the XBox360, yet we're convinced we're experts! The internet is full of tips and advice-like articles:

• How to get a job.


• How to not get a job.


• What to wear to get yourself a job.


• What job to get so you have something to wear.


• What to wear on your day off.

Why are we so obsessed with telling people how to do everything? Not only that, but we're obsessed with quoting dead famous people. Sure, Gandhi said "Be the change you wish to see in the world", but he also said, "What time does this place close?" and "I have to be up early tomorrow". Years ago, "be the change you wish to see in the world" meant 'if you want the world to be better, embody that spirit yourself', now it just means 'retweet this quote'. Nothing is achieved when you retweet a Gandhi or Churchill quote, they're still dead and you're still sitting on the internet.

Everyone on the web knows how to do everything, yet all of the people I've met in real life are absolutely clueless. I don't know why this is the case, but I will get back to you soon with a blog entitled 'Top Ten Reasons Why People On The Internet Know Everything'.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1693304 2012-07-22T14:57:48-04:00 2012-09-21T05:12:13-04:00

Daniel Johnson http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-johnson/
After that, I browsed some news articles. David Cameron disagreed with Nick Clegg. Manchester United considered signing Robin Van Persie. Katie Holmes may or may not have gone out to buy some milk. I facebooked Michelle to ask if she's okay and enquired as to whether she knew anything about Katie Holmes and the milk.

It's not that I'm against technology, it's just that I'm not entirely sure this is how I'm meant to be living my life. Just because someone invented the smartphone and someone else invented Facebook, that doesn't mean they have to take over my life.

Yet they have.



Last night I decided to listen to a song. It's by John Mayer and I really like it. But I got bored barely a minute into it, so I went on Facebook and told everyone from High School that John Mayer is really great. Michael Berksby 'liked' it. I don't even know who Michael Berksby is. I'm at the point where listening to a three minute song seems like a lot of effort. How did I end up like this?

I also text my friend Karl quite a lot. It's a mixture of jokes, insults, and conversations that go something like:

KARL: Sup, have you heard from Michelle?
ME: No.

But then we meet up for food. And completely ignore each other. Why? Because of the secret rule of the smartphone.

The secret rule of the smartphone is:

The most interesting person is whomever is not currently in the room with you.

I fear that if my ultimate fantasy of being locked in a room with Scarlett Johannson and Natalie Portman were to come true, it would be ruined due to my sudden and urgent need to text my friend Chris about the football results.

I love connecting with people. But this internet stuff makes it harder, don't you think? I'd give up fifty Facebook Chats for one good all-night-by-the-fireplace-conversation. Of course, I don't know anyone with a fireplace but I'm sure there must be someone on Twitter.

The point that I'm trying to make is that yes, the internet is a great tool. And social media can, in many ways, bring us closer together. But also, if we're not careful, it can keep us apart. Keep us from paying attention to those around us. Keep us fro--- why hasn't Michelle text me back and who is this John guy she just added on Facebo-- keep us from focusing on one thing at a time.

The ten minute song. The three hour movie. The all night conversation. That's where the real magic is, don't let the distractions fool you.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1683348 2012-07-18T12:48:02-04:00 2012-09-17T05:12:07-04:00

Daniel Johnson http://www.huffingtonpost.com/daniel-johnson/
I don't care either way.

And that isn't good enough.

My main grievance with the Olympics, is that I am not participating in it. Despite years of below average athletic achievement (I once raced in a half marathon and almost completed it), there was a part of me that, deep down, thought I would one day get to experience some kind of sporting glory. It turns out that to participate in the Olympics, you need to show some indication of being able to compete for a medal, or at least finish the race on the same day as your opponents.

Aside from their refusal to let me compete - I am otherwise not bothered either way about the games. The trains will be more crowded? Yesterday a small woman and a very large child trapped my head in between the hand-holding-thingy and the emergency lever. I was stuck in this difficult position all the way from Bond Street to Stratford. My point? There's no way it can get any worse than it already is.

I am, I admit, somewhat concerned by the notion that the military will be putting defence missiles on top of housing; but there's no telling just how much of a danger the British public will be when our athletes disappoint on the track and field. Hopefully the weaponry will convince them to walk home quietly and soberly without resorting to riots, fighting and name-calling.

I could be annoyed about the corporate nature of the games. After all, the Olympic Stadium is situated inside a shopping centre, and apparently all of the venues in the Olympic Park have an unobstructed view of the Marks & Spencer's sign. Did you know that the only fries you are allowed to eat on the site are McDonalds, and the only bank cards you can use are Visa? I was outraged by this until I called the organisers, who put my mind at rest --- luckily, McDonalds do accept Visa, so no problem there.

Other potential grievances: motorways being jam-packed, unavailability of tickets, the dismantling of stadia immediately after the games and David Beckham not being on Team GB.

Yes, the motorways are going to be extremely busy, but this is wonderful! It means I don't have to visit Aunt Beatrice, nor do I have to look after Steve and Amy's children when they go away. Perfect! No tickets available? Oh how sad, I was desperate to see grown men and women jumping into sand pits and throwing large sticks across a field! It's just not the same on the television.

The dismantling of the stadia is understandable. Where else can we find space to build more shopping centres?

But I am disappointed that David Beckham wasn't chosen to represent his country. He would have been fantastic in the Canoe Slalom. Or maybe as a trampolinist.

Despite all of these potential reasons to hate the Olympics - I remain, at best, disinterested. I am much like the weather that has been forecast for the games: likely to be rainy and miserable, with potential for bright sunniness; but mostly likely to be grumpily drizzly throughout.]]>