Philip Hepple2013-05-19T21:53:10-04:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/index.php?author=philip-heppleCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Philip HeppleGood old fashioned elbow grease.Surely the Royal Family Has Run Its Course?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18469022012-08-31T19:00:00-04:002012-10-31T05:12:02-04:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/
The London Olympics were rightly regarded as a huge success, with a phenomenal performance from Team GB and British Paralympians already going great guns. These athletes push themselves to the limit and capitalise on years of sacrifice and dedication to reach the pinnacle of sporting excellence.
As their weary bodies take to the winner's podium, their hard-earned medals gleaming brightly on their chests, they turn to the side and sing a plodding song about an old woman.
"God Save The Queen"? Did the Queen just become the best human on the planet at a certain sport? Why is she getting praised? Shouldn't the athletes be singing "God Save the Funding of Regional Sports Projects"? Yeah, I know that that doesn't really fit with the melody, but you could probably sing it in a jazz-scat way?
Remember when the Queen celebrated her Diamond Jubilee this year, when she floated down the Thames like an aquatic Mad Max? She had a concert in her own front garden featuring the best of the music world (and Will.I.Am). Stevie Wonder even changed the words to Isn't She Lovely to honour her. Does she smile? No, she sits there with a face like Robert De Niro after somebody threw a bag of manure at his mother. It seemed like the whole event was a huge pain for her, like she was dragged to a wedding where she didn't know anyone.
This is not a dig at the Queen personally. She just happened to be born into this world; she didn't do anything to be put in this position, which is exactly the point.
The Jubilee was a highly organised outpouring of affection towards the Queen. Why? Because she was still alive. She had made it through 60 years of being our monarch. Congrats! It just goes to show what you can achieve with tremendous wealth, the best healthcare in the world and no real job.
Now I'm not saying the Queen hasn't got a job, she's not kicking back at Buckingham Palace smashing some punk online at Call of Duty, she has a job. She opens places, even if they have already been open for a few years. She visits places. When she visits places she sometimes opens things too (that's what you call multitasking). She opens and dissolves parliament (when the decision has already been made for her). What else... hmm... she puts on meals for specially selected guests when they are in the area (Come Dine with One?). Oh yeah, she waves to people too. Sometimes she waves to people whilst she opens places on her visits (take that, you lazy nurses!).
Surely in this tough modern society of economic uncertainty and flagrant tax-avoidance, the notion of a predestined ruling class seems quite ridiculous.
Her job and actual work based skills would barely crack minimum wage in the real world, but we decided to pay her over £30million last year (she does have a lot of corgis to feed and buffets to put on).
The British monarchy is very much like the pop star Prince, all their greatest hits were in the past and all they are now is a symbol.
A symbol can be a powerful thing (just ask Batman), but what does the symbol represent? It represents an out-dated autocracy, a class-structure that doesn't define society the way it did. It shows that the smashing together of a few lucky chromosomes, not hard work, can give you everything in this world. Young people cannot aspire to head their state, because it is predestined due to some person's relative centuries ago decided to say, "Hey, look guys, God picked me to rule over the rest of you" and the other people replied "Yeah, cool".
The Royal Family do, however, bring in a lot of wonga to the country via tourism. But it's not like the tourists are coming to see actuals members of the royal family? The royals aren't putting on a cabaret act. People come to look at things that the royals have, like houses and shiny things. If we lost the royal family we could make the tourist money back easily by making Buckingham Palace the biggest casino/Laser Quest in the world.
The country has evolved in the 60 years since the Queen took the throne. From technology to travel, we have moved towards self-reliance rather than obedience. Church attendance is way down, divorces are increasing and people can get any information they want online as quickly as it takes a person to find their library card.
Society has changed. It doesn't matter if the Royal Family have a funky website or how much a young Prince claims to love dub step, the monarchy is just not relevant to the running of the country like it was, and it will never be again.
So what instead? A US-style Presidential model? Totalitarianism? An eating contest to decide who leads the country? I think, in this time of economic strife, people just want to see that if there is a job, any job; it is earned rather than predestined. The majority of the people in this country get where they are through hard work, why should they be ruled by a minority that gets everything handed to them?
Also, put David Bowie on all currency.]]>Who Could Provide Further Security at the Olympic Games?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16806212012-07-17T19:00:00-04:002012-09-16T05:12:12-04:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/G4S have announced that they will be to unable to fulfil its contract to provide thousands of staff to secure the Olympic Games. This has led to a scrabble for reinforcements to fill in the gaps for security at the Games, with first the army and now the police being asked to step in.
With the likes of wars and GBH still on-going, the army and the police already have jobs that deserve their attention, so dragging them out of where they need to be is not the best solution to the problem. There are other ways of adding security at the games that have seemingly been overlooked.
Here are a few:
* Bouncers/Doormen
Whatever you want to call them, there are so many bouncers working at student indie clubs or discothèques on a Saturday night that a few from each club could easily be spared. They already know the procedure for dealing with rowdy behaviour, the can spot if somebody is trying to sneak booze into the badminton and they may even already be employed by G4S. Tom Daley would have to make sure he brings his ID, though.
* Mafia
What happened to the days when you could call on the good old Omerta to give you some protection when you had nowhere to else to turn? Sure, they would often ask for a favour in return, but that's what friendship is about! You could have Jimmy 'Legs' Borini looking after the long jump, Pauly 'Backhand' Tucci providing security for the ping-pong and Frankie 'The Stabber' Lacuzzi keeping tabs on the fencing. Just make sure they are not dealing with anything equestrian, having access to that many horse's heads may not be the best idea.
* Wolves
Not just your average wolves, but super intelligent wolves. The kind of wolves that could do a Rubik's Cube in three goes and understood the film Inception after the first time of watching. They could prowl the vicinity of the games with the right mixture of fear and a shaggy mane that only Dog the Bounty Hunter could rival. Their howls could call in reinforcements at a moment's notice and they already have sporting heritage*. The logical option, in my opinion.
* Stormtroopers
If they are good enough for the Darth Vader and the Death Star then they are good enough for Seb Coe and the East End. Huge in number and highly disciplined, they could easily make their presence felt at the Games to give the allusion of safety. Obviously there are downsides, namely that they are easily confused, have an awful shot and were infamously defeated by the cute and resourceful (but never-the-less, easily destroyable) Ewoks. A back-up to a back-up plan at best.
* Chuck Norris
How Chuck hasn't already got the call is beyond me. One word that Chuck is on patrol and is itching to give a sucker a round-house kick to the face can mean only one thing: harmony. Chuck was actually asked by the USA to take part in the Olympics but had to decline... because he doesn't play games.
*The Wolf from Gladiators.]]>What I've Learnt About Men and Women by Watching 'Take Me Out'tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.14112902012-04-08T19:00:00-04:002012-06-08T05:12:02-04:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/Take Me Out had its last show of the series. Although it didn't say it would be back for another series, surely it will be... hopefully... don't make me punch you, ITV... BRING IT BACK!
Now I'm not a massive TV viewer (unless you call watching my boxset of The Wire for the fifth time 'TV viewing'), especially Saturday night TV. That's Cowell country, and I want nothing to do with it, thank you muchly. There is something about Take Me Out, though, that makes for quality viewing.
Maybe it is the working-class charm of Paddy McGuinness escaping the considerable shadow of Peter Kay in a way that would make Jonathon Wilkes weep. Maybe it is the fact that the girls and boys get to switch roles in being judges/judged in a Face/Off-esque switcharoo. Maybe it's all the flashing lights...
From what I've seen I have learnt a lot about men and women. Here are a few things:
* Men are pieces of meat. It doesn't matter if they can speak, or what they say if they do speak, as long as their abs are like washboards and their arms are like legs.
* Women are either very picky or very desperate. Some women find little excuses not to date people, like the guy has an odd accent, wears skinny jeans, or they have same haircut as their cousin's ex-boyfriend's roommate. Some women will never turn their light off; regardless of if the man in question looks like he probably still has clumps of his last dates' hair in the trunk of his car.
* The era of the cheesy line didn't die with Blind Date. Shame.
* Men usually describe themselves as "carefree, easygoing and fun". This is code for "dull, horny and conscious".
* Women usually describe themselves as "lively, sensitive and fun". This is code for "desperate, shallow and also conscious".
I do hope it returns, it beats standing in a packed bar, paying £4.00 for a bitter shandy, or reading, on a Saturday night. And don't get me wrong, if it doesn't come back then I will punch ITV. In the face. Hard. You have been warned.]]>LMFAO - Music's Lowest Ever Point?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.13883162012-03-29T19:00:00-04:002012-05-29T05:12:01-04:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/broke the record for reaching the deepest depth of the ocean. This got me thinking.
Mainly it was whether he saw any aquatic mole-people down there? I then thought maybe the (scientific???) pressure down there would be so immense that it would make it impossible for anyone to swim down there. I finally thought that if a mole-person can live in the centre of the Earth then surely they could pop on a snorkel and go for a swim at the bottom of the ocean. I then lay down in a dark room.
When I awoke I had something stuck in my head. I wasn't sure what it was, but it felt like a rage-migraine. It turned out to be a song by the pop-abomination that is called LMFAO. As I was preparing to bash my head against the wall to 'smash-away the badness' I thought to myself that after James Cameron's record-breaking expedition there is another landmark that needs to be announced - surely LMFAO and their music mark the lowest point in the history of recorded sound.
I think this because of several factors. Firstly the music is truly awful. Its 'rip-your-hair-out-and-head-butt-the-pope' bad. LMFAO sound like a drunken elephant with keyboards for feet trying to tap-dance. In one particular verse of their single I'm Sexy and I Know It, the lyrics are simply the word 'wiggle' repeated, followed by proclamations of how the singer is in fact, 'the wiggle'. Granted, their music is infectious, but so is syphilis. I'm not even going to mention how stupid their name is, as it is quite obviously the worst name for a music act ever (yes, including good ol' Engelbert Humperdinck).
That's not to say that music hasn't been bad/woeful before, everyone can remember the Crazy Frog and Mr Blobby dropping hit songs back in the day, but these were fictional characters that came out with one annoyance then faded back into the depths of hell. LMFAO are actual humans. They are middle-aged men who dress like inter-galactic sex offenders, whose sole purpose on Earth is to dance badly and encourage others to do likewise. The band members, Redfoo and SkyBlu are descendants of Berry Gordy, the founder of Motown. This is as insulting to music as Charles Darwin's descendants starting the Creationist movement would be to evolution.
The band were nominated for a Grammy this year and sang with human-scarecrow Madonna at the Super-Bowl half-time show this year in front of 111.3 million people. Well done music world. ]]>Easter Eggs, the Ultimate Holiday Dessert?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.13577332012-03-18T19:00:00-04:002012-05-18T05:12:01-04:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/
Always further away than you think it is; Easter is a curious of event. It is a holiday steeped in religion, with the resurrection of Jesus being the focal point, but its main symbol in modern society is that of an egg.
The use of the egg in Easter is primarily meant to represent rebirth, which doesn't really make sense to me. When I think of eggs I think more along the lines of mystery. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Is Jesus the egg? Does that make God a chicken? Jesus apparently ascended to heaven so his flying credentials are quite solid, which makes him less likely to be a chicken in this situation as chickens are infamously found lacking in the flight department.
The egg works well in terms of Easter, it is a nice symbol. The ancient Zoroastrians (history's smartarses) introduced the idea of eggs as symbols rebirth for their New Year's celebrations (by this I mean they painted and decorated eggs, rather than getting crunked on eggnog), the Catholic church then did what they often liked to do and took one of the Zoroastrians ideas and fitted it around their own needs (ie the devil). As with most things in life, we here in modern society has taken something/anything that had meaning and made it into chocolate, and we are all the better for it.
The other day as I went to the local shops to pick up an Easter egg as a treat for myself, when I got there I was met by the judgemental eye-rolling of the cashier. My crime? It was my third Easter egg in three days. So what! They are ace. They look like a huge chocolate, erm, egg, but are actually hollow so you are not eating as much as may seem.
They often come with a couple of chocolate bars too, which makes them cost effective, because it you buy an Easter egg with two Mars bars in it for £1, not only are you making an instant saving on the Mars bars (which are easily 52p+ individually) but your also getting an Easter egg too. They are fun to break into (my current favourite method is the 'head-bash') and encourage sharing with loved ones. So Easter eggs are delicious, economical, entertaining and are helping repair the shredded fabric of society. The ultimate holiday-based treat.
Whats that you say? Christmas cake? Are you trying to make me rage-laugh, because it's working. Christmas cake is an insult to the sacred name of Christmas food. The Christmas dinner is the Beatles of modern cooked meals, and what is it followed by? The Herman's Hermits of desserts. Christmas cake should come wrapped in trousers with an elasticated waist. It's a fruit cake?!? It's icing tastes like carpet and it has the molecular structure of clay. If Christmas cake was a James Bond it would be played by Stodger Poor.
The nearest rival to the Easter egg is the birthday cake. I am a huge fan of birthday cake, but the issue with it is that it is so moreish ("ooh, I'll just have another slither") that before you know it, you have eaten half of Sponge Bob SquarePants' face and you are lying in agony in the foetal position in the centre of the room like a chump, clutching your stomach and praying for the pain to stop. Happy Birthday!
The Easter egg knows its boundaries. It gives you the good stuff, but knows where the line is, Birthday cake doesn't even acknowledge a world where there are lines, the arrogant son-of-a-gun.
As you are probably aware I'm primarily concentrating on Christian holidays here, I've never had Hamantash, but I'm sure they are nice, so apologies to people of other faiths (man, that seems to be my catchphrase nowadays).
(Philip's Log: Idea for product: Easter Crème Egg. A Cadbury's crème egg the size of a standard Easter egg, comes with a packet of Twix as chocolate soldiers for dipping. Mark as CONFIDENTIAL).]]>Five Ways for London to Top the Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonytag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.12828112012-02-16T19:00:00-05:002012-04-17T05:12:01-04:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/
If we are to stand a chance of not looking like China's sickly, uncoordinated school pal who always gets picked last at games then we need to be bold, controversial and above all, uniquely British.
Here are five ways that we can pull off a stonkingly good opening ceremony.
* Beatles Reunion
I'm not talking 'Paul and Ringo play a few hits'; I'm talking bringing the whole band back together using reanimation. We have a few months left until the opening ceremony; maybe filter some of the cash that would be spent on Union Jack bunting to aggressively pursue stem-cell research.
* Public Execution
So the Chinese thought having a giant globe that turned to a lantern was eye-opening, that ain't nothing compared to a bunch of ne'er do-wells visiting the gallows.
* Coronation Street vs EastEnders Battle Royale
The Beijing opening ceremony featured sections from the ancient Chinese opera Kunqu. Now we British have plenty of classic literature to mine a decent show from, but how about instead of Shakespeare and Dickens, we showcase their modern equivalents, soap operas? Let the stars of Corrie and EastEnders loose in a giant pit in the middle of the Olympic Stadium and let them battle it out for supremacy.
* Nelson's Column = World's Largest Stripper Pole
Sex sells, it's as simple as that. Given the phallic nature of our capitals skyline (Big Ben, ahem) then why not bring a bit of raunch to proceedings with showgirls, gigolos and general debauchery? We did give the world the Carry On films . . .
* The Royal Family On Ice
Given the almighty hoopla placed on the Royal Wedding last year, it is going to be no surprise that the Royals will presumably play a major part of the ceremony. Instead of having the usual placid-faced toffery of waving from a carriage or balcony, get them on the ice. Watch as Wills and Kate pirouette effortlessly around the rink and Prince Phillip constantly slips on his old arse. This idea would probably suit the Winter Olympics, but no-one really gives a damn about them.]]>Universal Horoscopestag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.12609772012-02-07T19:00:00-05:002012-04-08T05:12:01-04:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/
As a time-saving aid I have consulted the stars and formulated a universal horoscope.
These are written (after consulting the stars) for this week, but as they are universal all you have to do next week is move down to the next horoscope.
Easy, eh?
ARIES
You have strong feelings about a loved one that may or may not change due to some reason or another. You are feeling happy in yourself but not every second of every day. You will be hungry after a light lunch.
TAURUS
With the moons of Jupiter shifting into a new orbit, you will desire something that is blatantly out of you realms of possibility, like invisibility or something? You will also aim to start your day without breaking any laws but you will, unintentionally, break a few.
GEMINI
Make sure you take the time to fulfil some promises you have made recently, especially court-ordered ones. Whilst travelling around by car, be sure to remember that there will most likely be traffic, so take that into consideration.
CANCER
The seasonal changes taking place at the moment make you take stock of your life. You change your hair colour to match the outside world, with green and browns often changing to white. You have an itch that is just out of reach.
LEO
You will reluctantly get dressed today, despite growing irritations with modern social conventions. Too many times you find yourself in antagonistic situations where it is a case of 'him-or-me'. You will find yourself going to the park less frequently.
VIRGO
Travel comes under the spotlight today as you try to appreciate that there are places in the world that you have not visited despite the fact that they do exist. You also try to figure out how planes actually fly. You know it is some sort of science, but it isn't clear.
LIBRA
Although you try to keep yourself to a schedule, things keep knocking you off track. Appointments are missed, bookings are unbooked and you forgot to leave the chicken out for dinner tonight. You realise that you could just defrost it in the microwave but you are aware that it doesn't taste as good.
SCORPIO
Finances play heavy on your mind today. The main point of contention will be around the fact that you don't have much money but other people have loads. You will spend most of the day plotting what you would do if you won the lottery, like getting a jet ski... that would be way cool.
SAGITTARIUS
Spend some time catching up with friends you haven't seen for a while. While they may be reluctant to meet up with you, insist. When socialising remember that if somebody is telling you a story that reminds you of a similar story from your own life, interrupt them and start telling your story.
CAPRICORN
You decide that today is finally the day to take charge of things. You hire a Roman centurion costume and swagger around your place of work in a way that says "I'm the daddy". You also refuse to acknowledge anybody who does refer to you as Maximus McLegend.
AQUARIUS
The phrase 'the early bird catches the worm' plays on your mind today. This leads you to wake up early and forge a nest out of twigs and assorted roughage. You take up your place in a sturdy oak tree in the local park and await your much-deserved worm. After several hours of no-worm action you will have to choose whether the worm from the saying is metaphorical or that you weren't early enough to catch it.
PISCES
You will feel that your whole life is an orchestrated falsehood, like the film The Truman Show. Whilst interrogating your loved ones you will reflect on how, while The Truman Show was a very good film, when Truman finds out his whole life is a lie he just has a bit of a cry and then gets on with it. How did his head not LITERALLY explode?]]>The Truth About Man Flutag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.12403052012-01-29T19:00:00-05:002012-03-30T05:12:01-04:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/
Come back, don't run away or switch your browser/tab thingy. You are fine. I am not contagious... yet.
At this time of the year, man flu becomes endemic. If you're a gentleman, then be careful out there. You have probably been through this before so prepare for the inevitable worst.
Like childbirth, it is a very painful experience that is gender-related. That being said, in the subject of fairness, women get to eat whatever they want when they are pregnant, men don't during man flu, so perhaps man flu is technically more painful. It's just a theory...
It seems to me that there is a gross misunderstanding about man flu (or 'sniffus diablos'). I noticed this recently when my girlfriend told me to "stop leaving snotty tissues everywhere" and "shut up, you moaning old woman". I think it's time to clear up any misconceptions.
MAN FLU: THE FACTS
Man flu, in scientific terms, is an attack of a man's immune system so intense that it leads to temporary lethargy and increased bellyaching.
The first recorded instance of man flu was in the Book of Genesis, where Adam, after contracting man flu, was allowed back in the Garden of Eden by a sympathetic God.
The first officially recorded man flu incidence was in 1215, when a rampaging Genghis Khan was waylaid by the dreaded virus, forcing him to postpone a much-anticipated pillaging for a few days. In those few days he accidently stumbled-upon a potion which we now refer to as Lemsip.
Side effects caused by man flu include grouchiness, daytime TV viewing and the increased instances of 'duvet-on-the-couch' syndrome.
As a rule, all members of the band Radiohead purposely contract man flu to put them in the required depressive mind-set to record their music.
There is no cure for man flu.
In the time I have written this blog I have (thankfully) started to feel better. My throat is still sore, my nose is still bunged up but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
In celebration I may go wrestle a lion... because I'm a man.
(Note: The author would like to apologise to all women, everywhere.)]]>The Best Way to Watch a Movietag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.11940572012-01-09T19:00:00-05:002012-03-10T05:12:01-05:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/Mission Impossible series, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. I had really enjoyed the first Mission Impossible film, not really liked the second one and didn't bother watching the third. There were 3 big factors in me wanting to see the latest film. The first is the fact that it was the first live-action film directed by Pixar alumni Brad Bird (who directed the likes of Ratatouille and The Incredibles); the second was that the film would be preceded by a 6 mins epilogue for The Dark Knight Rises (nana nana nana nana BATMAN!) and thirdly it was in IMAX.
I had never seen a film in an IMAX theatre before and was tres looking forward to it. As we took our seats a booming voice-over began to tell us that the screen was as big as an eight-storey building and that it was the "ultimate way to experience movies". The lights dimmed and the prologue began.
Now, imagine you are looking at an eight-storey building, on the first floor somebody is waving at you but on the sixth floor somebody is also waving at you, then suddenly someone pops up on the third floor too and then there is a polar bear on the eighth floor doing the macarena! That's what watching a film on IMAX is like. Whilst your are focusing on something your missing another thing.
I was not happy. "The Ultimate way to experience movies"??? Balderdash! It leads me to think, what is the best way to watch a movie?
Now I have watched a film on an IMAX screen and also on an iPod screen (I had The Godfather and The Godfather Part II on my iPod, because I am that cool) so I have experienced film at each ends of the size spectrum. Neither of these are the best because of the size worries. If it is too big it hurts (your eyes) but if it is too small you don't feel the full effect (of the film, obviously).
Watching a film on a normal sized screen in an Odeon/AMC type cinema is a great way to appreciate the actual movie, with its big-but-not-too-big screen and tip-top sound-system, but you always have the risk of the locational and clientele problems that can ruin your experience very quickly. These include scallys, kids, scally kids, scally parents with kids, people who use their phone, people who kick the back of your seat, sticky floors, sticky seats, popcorn-shrapnel and smelly people.
You could watch a film at an outside screen, which is lovely on a warm summer night. The problem is that England rarely has warm summer nights so you may only get to enjoy this type of cinema experience twice in your lifetime. Also, the probable audience-type shifts from scallys to merlot-swigging scensters, so beware.
Watching films on a laptop has the added bonus of mobility, so you can move your film around to fit your comfiest position, but it does raise the threat of an over-heated crotch.
Now we are through the looking glass. Home cinema. It has been developed and trumpeted for years and if you have the latest surround-sound and flat screen you have a cinema-esque experience. Plus no-one will be there that you don't want. Also, you can be pant-less and be accepted for that decision. Sorted, right? Wrong.
A projector.
My flat-mate laid his hands on a DVD-enabled projector. My word. You get the best elements of home comfort (the none-pant element I discussed earlier) with a wider screen than any television (unless you are one of those numpty rappers/footballers/socialites who appear on Cribs with their ludicrous TV's, but they are dead inside so we win the long game). It is the best.
So there we have it, another important topic covered. What's next?
Politics, eh? What's that all about? ]]>Warning: Contains Wordstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.11313362011-12-06T19:00:00-05:002012-02-05T05:12:01-05:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/
I like to think of myself as a film buff, always eager to find out about the latest films and then read the IMDB Trivia for it (that is surely the definition of 'buff'). I came across the trailer for Titanic 3D, which as you may assume is a re-release of the monster hit film by James Cameron about the eponymous vessel in, you guessed it, 3D. Not being a massive fan of the film, well mainly not being a fan of Celine Dion, I wouldn't have been interested in it if it was re-released in boring 2D, but 3D is a different kettle of kettles (surely the plural of kettle!).
James Cameron seems to me to be a huge technology geek, as his wonderful 3D work on Avatar showed (*tips hat in his direction*), so I decided to have a look at the trailer to see what he's been up to. Within a second of the trailer my jaw was ajar, and not due to anything Jim had done, but the caution before the trailer, which is as follows.
WARNING: CONTAINS DISASTER RELATED PERIL AND VIOLENCE, NUDITY, SENSUALITY AND BRIEF LANGUAGE.
Now I'm all for warnings and PC behaviour, if we all play by the same rules then we can all be outraged together when someone crosses the line. But this warning is a step to far. Back in my day (and that wasn't too long ago, in 'snapper' terms I am still firmly in the 'wipper' category) we used to have three warnings - violence, strong language and scenes of a sexual nature. If you got the holy trinity then you knew you were in for a cracking film.
The warning for Titanic 3D takes things too far, and here is why.
The original film was one of the biggest films ever, earning 11 Oscars and over a billion squadillion dollars at the box-office. It was a smash hit, so all the people who saw this film the first time will be clearly aware that it is in essence a disaster movie.
The Titanic is probably the most famous ship/vessel/boat in history (with maybe the exception of the Love Boat) and the reason it is so famous is because it CRASHED! They were never going to make a film about an apparently unsinkable ship completing its journey without a hiccup.
Brief language suggests to me a Jason Statham-esque meat-head action film, with zippy one-liners such as "eat fist" and "I'm going to kick you . . . HARD!" If I remember correctly, Titanic had sentences and the occasional monologue, so brief language makes no sense.
And sensuality? Maybe that could describe the relationship of WALL:E and EVE in, erm, WALL:E, but as far as I'm concerned sketching a picture of some trollop you have just met is more sexual than sensual.
This is not just concerning movies. I was once walking past an advert for a Beatles tribute band which came with the warning "This is a fantasy performance that does not feature any actual Beatles". I'm sure the production company had sleepless nights thinking a patron may storm their offices threatening to sue them for not having the reanimated corpse of John Lennon singing Strawberry Fields Forever.
If these elaborative warnings are going to become common-place then its only fair that I make you aware of a few films that may have slipped through the net:
Up - Contains questionable physics.
Rocky IV - Contains excessive montages.
The Shawshank Redemption - Contains faecal-based escapes.
Juno - Contains obnoxious teen-babble.
Oceans 12 - Contains excessive smuggery.
Top Gun - Contains homoerotic volleyball in jean-shorts.
Ghost Rider/Season of the Witch/The Wicker Man - Contains Nicolas Cage.
I'm sure with the rise in ambulance chasing and no-win-no-soul compensation claims every company has to keep an eagle-eyed* view on what they are stating on their products. Art should be exempt from these strict guidelines, a simple age rating to warn people of the upsetting/offensive content should be enough.
* apologies to PETA, WWE and any signatories of the Migratory Bird Treaty Act or the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act for any harm or offence caused by my association with eagles and improper conduct. They are wise and fine birds, and their meat is delicious and should be enjoyed by everyone...D'oh! ]]>Merry Christmas, Happy Holidaystag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.11073962011-11-22T18:00:00-05:002012-01-22T05:12:01-05:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/
Like going to the gym, it is an annual event full of financial repercussions and heavy sweating.
I'm a fan of Christmas, spending time with family and getting people gifts. I eagerly scour the TV listings to find out when Muppet's Christmas Carol is on and rejoice when the first Santa-starring Coca Cola advert appears.
Note: Father Christmas' outfit was originally blue with the word "MAX" em-blazed on it. It was changed in 1886, around the time Coca-Cola was first introduced, something to look into Pepsi.
One thing I don't do is celebrate the life and teachings of Christ in a mass.
I am not the religious type. Yes, I was taken to church as a child, but I was always faking it - never fully enjoying my Eucharist, miming my hymns and defying several commandments (the boring ones).
On discovering other free-time activities such as sports and dating in my teens, I began to spend more and more time watching cooler kids enjoy both activities while I sat in my room, reorganising my Pokémon card collection and practicing Barry Manilow songs on my recorder.
A religious friend of mine pointed out recently that celebrating Christmas without recognising its religious significance is totally not cool, and they are right.
According to Wikipedia, less people celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday than those who celebrate it as an excuse to drink heavily in their newly received novelty bathrobe.
If that statistic is true (which it probably isn't; Wikipedia also claims that Bob Dylan is a form of wild cabbage) then us heathens should really stop taking the lords name in vein and create a new moniker.
Businesses have tried creating a new term for Christmas, but each suggestion sounds more empty-shirted than the last.
The usual suspects are "Happy Holidays" and "Seasons Greetings". Both these terms can be used at any time of the year, people take holidays all year round and there are literally FOUR seasons to greet.
We often find ourselves using Xmas, a kind of way of saying Christmas without the biblely bit, but 'X' in maths mean 'the unknown', which means essentially we're back in mass again but for no particular reason. What we need is a term that sums up the standard Christmas experience.
Now the Christmas experience covers a myriad of areas, but I think there are three main ones.
Food: Turkey, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets, stuffing, eggnog etc. All of these things can be enjoyed separately at any time of year, but when these foods are joined by paper hats and the faint smell of gun powder from a recently pulled cracker, they combine for that quintessential Christmas feeling.
Relaxing: Christmas day is a day when it feels like the country is in default mode. Sure, people work on Christmas day, but the general feeling is that when you go outside to try out your new bike/skateboard/segway the streets would be silent, with only the faint sound of the local children playing with their new remote-control car for the first and only time.
Entertainment:Only Fools and Horses and The Royle Family have been perennial staples of the Christmas day evening.
Now with Blu Ray, 3D and X-ray television, there are even more options for the family to get together and enjoy. The parents sit with their kids, laughing together watching the latest DVD from that popular northern stand-up and wince together when he gets to his racier material, the little ones watch the latest Pixar film about a mop who wants to be president and the teenagers watch their box set of The Moody Vampire Journals.
What we need is a term to sum up these parts. So everybody have a lovely Chilling-Scoff Day? No wait, that's rubbish. How about Happy Slobbington! Hmm...Couching Munch Time?
This is harder than I thought.
What I think is the best cause of action is we all just call it Christmas and respect everybody's interpretation of that term. ]]>The Inevitable Conclusion of Reality Televisiontag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.10974472011-11-16T19:00:00-05:002012-01-16T05:12:02-05:00Philip Hepplehttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/philip-hepple/Friends and Frasier having new episodes on the same night!) I was entering secondary education, picking up references and turns of phrase to use in conversations that impressed/alienated my chums and choosing my own shoes for school. I was a contented clam. There was something amiss though. Pop music was starting to eat itself. Its chief protagonists were boy/girl/mixed bands.
The Spice Girls and Take That (replace with All Saints and Boyzone, respectively, if you're that way inclined) had taken the yoof by storm, hit followed hit, band departures and Union Jack apparel caught the national attention. I was fine with that. All the best to them, I thought. The problems started when all of a sudden bands called B*Witched, 5ive and other grammatical abominations starting cropping up. Not that I have a problem with quirky uses of grammar, I think it is @ce, but the problem became endemic when those bands were swiftly followed by Steps, Another Level, S Club 7, The Vengaboys, Aqua, 911, Atomic Kitten. A photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy...
In my naïve state I thought it would never end. I thought there would be so many pop stars that they would end up controlling the world, the Eurovision Song Contest would replace the EU and standing up from your stool at the key change would become obligatory national anthem procedure. The pop was everywhere.
As I began readying my plans for Noah's Ark (which included dressing as a combination of animals to provide Noah a time-saving alternative) things started to cool. The pop bands started to fade as enthusiastic tweens became sardonic teens and dirge-indie bands (Travis, Snow Patrol) began to rise like a beige phoenix out of the ashes. Apocalypse had been deferred and I could remove my rhino/gorilla/dolphin overalls.
I am currently slipping into that frightened frame of mind yet again, this time due to reality TV. Now I know it's redundant to moan about reality TV, just like it was clichéd to call George. W. Bush stupid (which I still find frightening, as he was commonly regarded as an ignoramus but could nuke Whitby on a whim). The problem with reality TV is its contamination of industry around it. Karaoke singers on the X Factor end up starring in West End productions ahead of trained singers/dancers just because they can draw in bone-idle viewers into the theatre.
The professional singers are skewered because they chose to work on their craft rather than whore themselves on reality TV, wiping away the tears after revealing how their grandmother got a paper cut in WW2 then proceed to butcher a Queen song to the slavish applause of the crowd. Inexplicably, the likes of Piers Morgan, David Hasselhoff and Amanda Holden judge talent. The remit for being a 'celebrity' has stretched so thin that the famous rule of three (three celebs die at the same time, pity) will soon extrapolate into abacus-busting figures. There is only one recourse. THE ULTIMATE REALITY SHOW!
The premise is very simple.
Before taking part in any competitive reality show contestants sign a blood oath using Adolf Hitler's very own quill that states they will abide by the competitions terms and conditions.
Contestants take part in their contest. They sing, dance, spin plates, perform magic and aim to win.
If they win, they enjoy all the spoils of success (going on This Morning, attending the openings of supermarkets). If they lose . . .
They are forced to fight to the death in a pit, battle royale style, against all the other losing contestants for all the other shows. No weapons, no rules.
I would like to point out that this is the contestant's choice. They should only enter talent shows if they indeed have talent. If they ignore this and enter a contest with their out of tune warbling then they only have themselves to blame if they are facing Ethel, the battle hardened grandmother who thought training her Scottish Terrier to bark three times on command was talent.
Before you say, "gosh Phil, people fighting in a pit to the death for entertainment is unholy, barbaric and uncivilised", I simply retort with this: Ancient Rome. Gladiatorial battles were the Strictly Come Dancing of their time, gladiators entertained the masses with flashy outfits, and those whose footwork let them down were eliminated. Plus, the Romans were innovators, so anything the may have done should be respected and implored; I for one cannot count how many times I have thanked the lord for aqueducts.
If you are also worried about what to watch on a Saturday night and talk to your friends about, well have faith. Remember the times before reality TV? It was a glorious time of original scripted television and nights spend playing Pictionary with loved ones. Bliss.
It is summed up best by my second favourite quote* from Jeff Goldblum's character in Jurassic Park; "life finds a way". We can move on from Simon Cowell's clutches and reclaim the word 'talent' for future generations of tap dancers and mimes.
*For the record my favourite quote from Jurassic Park is "Run away from the big dinosaur!" ]]>