2013-05-23T07:44:31-04:00 Sandi Mann http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/index.php?author=sandi-mann Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Sandi Mann Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2863090 2013-03-15T19:00:00-04:00 2013-05-15T05:12:01-04:00

Sandi Mann http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandi-mann/
So, brace yourselves - and please, Mums, try to restrain your jealousy. My five year old was on the Top Table this week at lunchtime! I know, I know, I couldn't be more proud! I mean, we are not even half way through the year, and my budding Oxbridge candidate (well, surely, with this sort of achievement on his CV, he must be Oxbridge material?) has already been selected by dinner ladies who have clearly recognised his superior qualities. Apparently, this accolade is awarded for being 'good' at lunchtime.

Now, I must confess that my first reaction when informed about this astounding achievement, was not actually one of unmitigated joy and pride. No, being a typical Pushy Mum, my first reaction was a rather more caustic "why are you only on the Top Table now? Have you not been good up to now?" Naturally, within ten seconds of my gleeful son imparting his big news to me, I had calculated that, as we are in March now, there must have been at least fifteen children already on the top table before him! Suddenly, his stupendous achievement didn't seem quite as worthy.

If you think my reaction is a tad pushy and 'Tiger Mum', let me tell you that I am not the only one. The playground is full of pushy, demanding middle-class mums (and dads) to whom coming in at second is disappointing ('never mind dear - try harder and you could be top next time!') and average is just unacceptable. I overheard one mum being told the great news by her daughter's class teacher that little Chloe had done really well on her maths test with 19 out of 20. The mum immediately shot back with, "What did she get wrong? And what about her English?" Pushy Mums. Don't you just love 'em? I bet the teachers do....

Something else the teachers just don't get about us Pushy Mums is that we don't just want to know what marks our offspring got - we need to know what position they came in the class, nay, in the year (actually, we would prefer to know where they came in the entire country, but accept that this information may be a little harder to obtain). Teachers - and our kids - seem to find this very annoying, but you see, we Pushy Mums are savvy. We know that 'raw' scores are pretty meaningless on their own, as demonstrated by the whopping 72% I achieved in Latin when I was 12. Wow, I thought, given that I had not revised a single conjugation, I must be a natural genius at long-dead languages. I soon learned, however, that 72% was actually bottom of the class (I dropped Latin as soon as I could after that).

Clearly, raw scores are useless. Most educated people know this; this is why we are given those 'percentile' charts for height and weight when our babies are born. Being told your toddler is 90cm means nothing - being told they are on the 65th percentile is much more revealing as this tells you that they are taller than 65% of kids their age. If you also know they are on the 65th percentile for weight, then you know they are perfectly proportioned. If they are on the 90th percentile for weight, you limit the chips.

This is what we Pushy Mums want for academic marks please. It would save all the conversations of 'oh well done, dear, but what did everyone else get?' Apparently, the 'Levels' our kids get these days alongside their raw mark, are supposed to give us that comparative data, but does anyone actually understand these 'Levels'? 3B, 7A, 6C - it's all Latin to me (and you know how I fared at that). Something to do with what the average child should be achieving by the end of their school year... all I want to know is, will it get them into Oxbridge to study medicine, or should I set my sights a little lower?

It's not that I would be devastated if the consumers of my salary did not turn out to be top of the class. After all, I accept that not everyone can be top. This actually makes me differ from many Pushy Mums who reach for the number of the nearest tutor immediately their child showed signs of veering towards the 'average'. Most Pushy Mums don't do 'average' (or, god forbid, lower) and think that a less than perfect exam result can easily be rectified with intense and very costly tuition, or perhaps an assessment for dyslexia ('of course my child is a genius! It's just his dyslexia holding him back!').

So you see, I am not as pushy as some - though I am still smarting that it took six whole months for my little darling to be on that Top Table at lunch! Hmm, I wonder. Do you think he is too young for me to get him a life coach?]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2765211 2013-02-26T13:47:30-05:00 2013-04-28T05:12:01-04:00

Sandi Mann http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandi-mann/
And, this is when I caught her. We were in Starbucks, chilling out over a warming hot chocolate and whiling away the time until my oldest was ready for collection from violin. Glancing up from my drink, I noticed her hunched over her phone, thumb-typing away, tongue poking out between her lips in concentration. With the battle-weary fear that every parent encounters when challenging their teen (or nearly-teen), I casually asked what she was doing. She looked up warily, clearly embarrassed at having been caught. 'I'm adding to my List, Mummy', she answered.

What list would that be, I wondered. A list of pop stars she wanted to follow on the still-out-of-bounds-to-her Twitter? A list of more local boys with a ranking of their physical attributes? A list of neighbourhood drug-dealers?

No, it was, explained Elisha a little bashfully, 'A List of Things To Appreciate In My Life.' Startled, I leaned across and could only gaze in awe at what my 11 ½ year old had been up to. Whilst I had been busy texting friends, checking my Facebook status and counting my Twitter followers, Elisha had been carefully typing 'hot chocolate with mummy' onto her ever-growing 'Things To Appreciate In Life' list.

Humbled, I asked what else was on her list. It read: Family, Health, House, Bed, School, Cars, Trees, Roads, Shops, Cafes, Food, Water, Swimming, Holidays, Cutlery, Money and Grass.

It dawned on me that Elisha's Things To Appreciate List is actually the path to contentment for us all. Taking the time to enjoy the small stuff (yes, even grass and trees), to notice and relish even the most basic of what we have (a bed, water) and to fully savour the special times (holidays, cafes) is surely the route to happiness. I noted that Elisha does not have a counter list of Things I Don't Have but only a list of what she does have. Focusing on what we have, not what we don't - this is surely the secret to a happy life.

As a Psychologist, I often advise depressed clients to list things that give them joy and make them happy. Depression seems to be the plague of the modern world and part of the reason could be that we are so much more aware of what we are lacking today - whether that be material possessions, friendships, personal attributes or 'success'. The outside world is so often pushed into our faces by the media and by social networking so comparing ourselves to others is an almost constant, unconscious activity. It is easy to focus only on what we don't have that everyone else seems to, instead of what we do have.

If we take the time, most of us can identify even the smallest things that might bring us some pleasure in life; a bird's chorus, a glimpse of sunshine, a stroll in the park, freshly brewed coffee and yes, even the joy of using cutlery (imagine not having any??). When depressed clients start making their lists, it's amazing how many things they find they can come up with. And the more they come up with, the better life seems to become.....

You don't have to be depressed to benefit from appreciating life. The road to happiness is within the grasp of all of us. Start your list and, taking Elisha's advice, add three things to it each day. It could change your life.

What will be on your list?]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2629556 2013-02-07T19:00:00-05:00 2013-04-09T05:12:01-04:00

Sandi Mann http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandi-mann/
Paying it forward is not a concept that has gathered huge momentum in the UK, but apparently is quite a big thing on the other side of the Pond. I think if some random stranger paid for my coffee here in Manchester, my reaction would be more suspicious than grateful; we in the UK, are simply not used to strangers performing arbitrary acts of kindness for us. Strangers in this country are not renowned for letting us cut in front of them when trying to make a right turn in rush hour, or stopping to let us cross the road (I once counted 34 cars pass me and my kids by before one kind soul slowed to let us cross)... buying us coffee? Not a chance!

But, imagine, if the Pay it Forward campaign caught on here. Imagine if we did buy people we don't even know, drinks, or complimented random strangers on the train on their clothes, or left encouraging post-it notes in library books, or put change in expired parking meters? Would it make our world a nicer place? Could we really spread happiness; would our random act of kindness really inspire others to 'pay it forward'?

According to a study by Stanford University psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky in 2005, students who carried out five random acts of kindness a week, reported higher levels of happiness than a control group. That I can understand; we feel good when we do good because we feel that we have made a positive contribution to society and we experience what psychologist call 'moral elevation'. But, can these good deeds really spread, and inspire recipients to perform their own acts of kindness?

Well, yes, apparently they can. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology recently, even reading about acts of kindness can evoke this moral elevation, never mind being the actual recipient of these acts. And people who have moral elevation are more likely to perform good deeds themselves. This is because if we feel we are 'good', we do 'good' things in order to reinforce this view of our self.

Thus, if someone lets me out into the traffic during rush-hour, I am more likely to let the next car in. If someone does something nice for me, I am likely to do something nice for someone else. It's basic psychology. It also ensures that we obey the 'law of reciprocity', which is a very powerful psychological pull we experience when someone gives us something or does something for us; we yearn to return the favour somehow (which is why charities often send us free gifts like pens or stickers - they hope we will be unable to resist the yen to reciprocate their kindness).

So, what are we all waiting for? We have the power to make the world a better place by one random act of kindness. The next time you are in the coffee shop picking up your latte on the way to work, why not pick up the tab for the customer behind you; you never know what it could lead to.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2549187 2013-01-25T06:54:08-05:00 2013-03-27T05:12:01-04:00

Sandi Mann http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandi-mann/
And yet, at last, we are told, snow is to finally reach us! Oh the excitement! Like the rest of the country, we too can gaze anxiously at the skies for the first flurries, pack extra food in our cars in case of blizzards and carry carrots in our pockets in case of the urgent need to construct a snow person overwhelms us.

Why do we get so excited about the snow? Snow is all we talk about when it arrives and the thrill and anticipation of 'snow days' is not just for the kids. Are our lives so boring that snow brings with it such a much needed change of pace? Well, frankly, yes!

As a psychologist specialising in boredom, I would say that our lives are generally routine, mundane and rather humdrum. For most people, it's the same old same old; the commute, the coffee picked up en route to work, the same dull meetings, the same routine work. Snow brings change, newness and a fresh take on the world. Travel is disrupted, meetings are cancelled and schools close early. This change to the daily grind refreshes our jaded minds as we see the world, literally, in a different way. It makes us take a step back from the routine and take time for once, to smell the coffee (and build a snowman). It gives us a topic of conversation other than spreadsheets and targets. This break-out from the routine affords us the chance to develop our creativity which the pressure of work can often stifle - so our work benefits when we return to it. And, most importantly perhaps, snow brings out our inner child.

Snow is the most natural substance (other, perhaps than sand) that is associated with childhood and so many of us find hard to resist reverting back to happier, more carefree days. A phenomenon called emotional memory means that associated with our memories are emotions - so that when we remember events, we also remember the emotions associated with them. Many of us have happy childhood memories of playing in the snow, so when we see those fat, fluffy flakes twirling from the sky, these memories kick in and we feel happy.

So, the moral of the snow story is, make the most of the Big Freeze (it won't last long) and benefit from the emotional boost it can give you. Unless, of course, you are snowed in, keep slipping over in the ice and your car keeps skidding dangerously across the road. In which case, fear not, the thaw is on its way....]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2540474 2013-01-24T19:00:00-05:00 2013-03-26T05:12:01-04:00

Sandi Mann http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandi-mann/
I have studied anger for many years and penned two books on the topic; the latest, Managing Anger (Hodder and Stoughton) out this month. I believe that we are getting angrier as a nation - that we are more likely than ever before to both feel angry and to express our anger. This is despite the increasing 'zero tolerance' exhibited in many workplaces and organisations that remind us that 'abuse towards staff will not be tolerated.' So, what's going on?

The reasons for our increasing rage are, in my view, twofold; on the one hand our expectations have risen steadily and on the other hand, so have our stress levels. Our raised expectations mean that we, as a society, have much higher expectations of our world; we believe we have the right to expect things to go well, indeed, to be perfect. Part of this raised expectation is fed by the 'customer charter' culture which has mushroomed over the past decade; this is a charter for our 'rights' and leads us to have high expectations that we receive superlative service in all aspects of our life. When, as is inevitable, reality falls short of these expectations, we feel that we have the right to get angry about it. Steak not cooked to perfection? Someone eating popcorn noisily in the cinema? We have the right to get annoyed and demand redress - immediately!

At the same time that we have become more demanding as a nation, we are also living a more frenetic and frantic pace of life, which means our stress levels are raised. This raised stress means that our tolerance for things going wrong is dramatically reduced. Things that go wrong often appear to conspire to stop us achieving some objective whether that be work or pleasure-based. The customer taking too long in front of us is stopping us do our shopping quickly, the staff member who won't give us a refund is stopping us getting access to the justice we think we deserve, and the colleague who is interrupting us with minor queries is stopping us get our work done. Because of our stress levels, our tolerance for such obstacles is low....and we get angry. This combination of raised expectations and stress levels gives rise to the 'angry personality'; and there seem to be more Mr and Ms Angrys about these days.

The things that make us angry tend to fall into a small range of categories; things that frustrate us and stop us reaching our goals, unmet expectations, perceived injustice or abuse. Our tolerance for all of these is likely to be low when are stress levels are high, and we feel entitled not only to feel angry, but to express that anger when we feel that these rights have been violated.

What, then, can we do to become calmer and to take life's frustrations more easily in our stride? Clearly, we need to lower our expectations and not only accept, but expect that not everything will go as it 'should'. This doesn't mean we have to put up with shoddy service, but that we can be able to deal more calmly with things when they go wrong. Lowering our general stress levels will also mean that we can tolerate everyday disappointments better and not fly off the handle at relatively minor frustrations.

So, don't get mad, get even (tempered)! Your health (and people around you) will thank you for it!

Also on HuffPost UK Lifestyle:
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Sandi Mann http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sandi-mann/
Yet boredom, like most emotions which I study, has a purpose and despite widely held views about its negative connotations, research recently conducted has suggested that boredom can have positive outcomes, including increased creativity. Working with my colleague Rebekah Cadman at the University of Central Lancashire (UCLan), we recently assessed the experience of boredom and how it encourages stimulation of the mind to produce new thinking.

Our research examined the relationship between boredom and creativity on a range of tasks amongst 170 participants and found that engaging in "boring activities" such as tedious writing exercises before undertaking creative tasks does result in more creative thinking. To measure whether creativity was as a result of daydreaming, a subsequent study was conducted based on similar activities but instead focused on a boring reading task instead of writing (as writing is thought to hinder daydreaming).

The first study involved participants copying telephone numbers from a phone directory for 15 minutes (the most boring task we could think of!) so that we could explore the impact on subsequent levels of creativity shown in a divergent thinking task which involved coming up with as many uses for a pair of polystyrene cups as possible. Participants provided varied examples such as pencil pots, earrings, drums and plant pots - and even a Madonna-style bra!

The second study used a different population of 90 participants. All those that were involved undertook the same 'polystyrene cup' task but also a second creative task which involved completing a 'remote association test', in three minutes, to a series of 40 word problems (a convergent creativity task). The task involved participants being asked to offer associations for three unrelated words. For example, when provided with the words Law, Birthday and Swimming, 'suit' was considered the best option.

We found that after conducting these exercises, the number of creative answers were higher for participants who completed a boredom task followed by the creative task than for participants who completed the creative task in isolation. Creativity was even higher after the reading boring task (reading phone numbers out) than the writing one. This suggests that passive activities, like reading or attending meetings, can lead to more creativity whereas writing, which inherently reduces the scope for daydreaming, lessens the chance to be creative.

One reason that reading might afford greater opportunity for daydreaming than writing does is because shifting attention from the external situation becomes easier. This adds weight to the evidence that daydreaming is an important component to creative problem-solving as it provides the ability to re-evaluate information and mull over possible solutions.

This evidence shows that employers, who are under the misguided notion that boredom is a problem to be eliminated in the workplace through increased activities and tasks, should look to embrace it in order to enhance employee creativity. So if your boss catches you reading a novel at your desk, just tell them you're in the middle of some problem solving - it might make the January transition back to work that bit easier!]]>