2013-06-20T08:39:09-04:00 Simone Bienne http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/index.php?author=simone-bienne Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Simone Bienne Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.1006199 2011-10-12T19:00:00-04:00 2011-12-12T05:12:02-05:00

Simone Bienne http://www.huffingtonpost.com/simone-bienne/

Variety Is The Spice Of Life

One of the best ways to do this is to work hard at being lovers again. Think of it this way. If you ate the same meal two, three, or even four times a week, no matter how much you enjoyed it, you'd soon get bored. And I'm sure it wouldn't take you weeks to figure out that adding some spice to the ingredients will give your dish a completely different taste. The same applies to our love lives. Routine can quickly lead to boredom. And if you're bored, no wonder sleep seems the preferred option. But add some variety to your sexual script, and your energy levels will soon be picking up at the thought of sex.

Toy-tastic

Sexually speaking there are many ways to add to your repertoire. Introducing a (new) toy is a great place to start. If you fancy the adventure but haven't used one before, go alone or take a trip with your other half to a reputable sex shop. Pick out a vibrator that you both like the look of. It's often the case that men choose the biggest and most plastic looking. But a word of warning: Vibrators come in grades. If you're a novice, don't intimidate yourself with its size. Start smaller and get used to the idea first. Even if you're well rehearsed in this department - and latest surveys suggest that half of us are - choose a different one to the usual. The novelty of a new toy can reignite your curiosity levels, which will give you both a new sense of excitement when you try it out. Again and again!

Porn With A Plot

Another way to inject some oomph into your sex life is with erotic films. Recently the market aimed at women has exploded, meaning there's a huge choice of more subtler, sensuous and emotive movies. Basically soft porn with a plot - not too dissimilar from the steamy romance novels we love. Or you could rent a mainstream film with a great sex scene. Think along the lines of Thelma and Louise with Brad and Geena, or Out of Sight, with Clooney and Lopez.

Some New Moves

Variety also means introducing some new moves. Did you know that the average couple alternates between just two or three sex positions? I'm not for a moment suggesting you enact a scene from Cirque de Soleil. Being more subtle will work just fine. Whether it's the Scissors, the Snake, the Crab or even your own creative version of all 3, expanding your repertoire of sexual positions does wonders in-reigniting a sleepy love life. I've even been told by a client, who came to see me with her husband after their second child, that trying out new positions made her feel as excited as she did when they had sex at the beginning of their relationship, 10 years previously.

Step Outside The Bedroom

Don't limit yourself to the bedroom either. I understand if you have kids this can be difficult, but it's not impossible. Next time they go to Grandma Jane's, stay at home to enjoy the bathroom, the lounge and the kitchen in a whole new way. Of course, there's nothing to stop you utilizing a few props from the fridge. If you've seen 9 ½ Weeks you'll understand the sexual potency of whipped cream or strawberry moose.

Final Thought: Treat Your Love Life Like Shoe Shopping!

In our sexual scripts, it's not just the big O that's important, the big V is absolutely crucial. Be brave enough to step out of the ordinary, and dare to invest more energy and creativity into your sex life. I promise the benefits will spill over to elsewhere in your relationship. If you're a woman reading this, just like finding the perfect pair of heels, the success of your love life shouldn't be left to chance either!

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Simone Bienne http://www.huffingtonpost.com/simone-bienne/
After speaking to various non sport loving girlfriends, a pattern started to emerge. When it came to Saturday evenings, whether their partner's team had won or lost, they noticed how much more relaxed and open they were. And here's the conclusion I came to. Watching sport is one area in a man's life where he has permission to express his emotions. Even crying is OK. For 90 minutes, his sport of choice acts as a vehicle for him to jump for joy, as well as offload any anger and frustration he's accumulated during the week. Meaning Sir Alex and Wayne Rooney get it in the ear instead of any one of us.

We all know that as far as his health and happiness is concerned, a man expressing his emotions is good for him. Which is why I want to encourage any woman reading this, who feels as passionate about football as Victoria Beckham does for flats, to try and support him in his love of the 'beautiful game'. And for any woman who wants to be the perfect partner, try loving his football shirt too. Or at least liking it. Or if that seems too much of an ask, just try not saying anything negative about it. I know, it's unflattering and the synthetic fabric gives him body odour, but it is something that he holds close. Why? Because it's full of memories. Happy and sad. Which means if you say you don't like it, he could take it personally. On the other hand if you like it, you're validating and expressing your appreciation of his emotional side. Which is exactly what will encourage him to be more emotional long after the final whistle.

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Simone Bienne http://www.huffingtonpost.com/simone-bienne/
Arguing Over The Dusting

I find that one of the top five issues couples argue about is housework. Studies show that a woman usually does three times more of it than her partner, so it's easy to understand why something as simple as vacuuming can cause so much resentment. Women often complain of feeling overwhelmed and say that their husbands don't understand how tiring housework is. They may feel under-appreciated and taken for granted.

The Changing Role Of Men

But, with more unemployed men staying at home, whilst their partners work, men's views about domestic duties seem to be changing. The American Sociological Association has found that many out-of-work men are recognising the huge efforts involved in managing a family - and they are embracing their newly adopted 'head of household' role. They feel proud to be making a vital contribution, albeit not their usual one. Instead of feeling demeaned by doing what they previously saw as 'women's work', they are using it to help forge a positive new identity.

The Silver Lining
The result is more empathy in the relationship and fewer painful arguments. Put simply, having a husband who is happy to help scrubbing the toilet or washing the floor makes for a happier relationship. Get your man to grab those rubber gloves right now - because studies also show that a man who does more washing up enjoys more sex!

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Simone Bienne http://www.huffingtonpost.com/simone-bienne/
When it comes to what's deemed attractive, it will come as no surprise to you that there's a difference between the sexes. Men, on the whole, focus more on looks in the first instance and women are far more about personality and confidence. Making someone laugh is a sign of being confident. In fact, recent studies also show that women think funny men are smarter and, interestingly, more likely to be honest. Most would agree that of course these two qualities make a man better relationship material.

There could be other reasons that make a funny man a good catch. In purely evolutionary terms, women search for a man who'll be a good protector and a good provider. A funny man is seen as confident, so it's a sign he'll be a good protector; and being seen as smart, is a sign he could be a good provider. For any man that doesn't have the visual appeal of Brad Pitt, I hope this gives them some hope!

My personal take on funny men is that, as women, we're not always very casual. A funny man helps us loosen up and laugh. Laughing triggers a response in your brain that flushes you with endorphins, your natural feel good chemicals, as well as reducing the negative stress hormones in your body. When we laugh, both our body and mind relaxes; we feel good about ourselves. So it makes perfect sense we'll want to be around someone who makes us feel this way. Also, ask an attractive woman and she'll tell you that funny men are often not afraid to playfully make fun of her. Rather than showering her with compliments - they challenge her - which helps her to laugh at herself.

But being funny seems to be a one way street, at least on a first date. When a man says he likes a woman with a good sense of humour, does he really mean a woman that will laugh at his jokes? Studies have shown that if a woman tries to make a man laugh when she first meets him, his eyes look away from her. So in that moment, he actually becomes less interested in her as a potential mate! This makes sense if we go back a step and remember that being funny is seen as being socially dominant. Clearly a lot of men are hard wired in their desire to hold on to that card. In my experience, all this theory goes out of the window once you are in a relationship together, when laughter should be on tap for both of you. Laughing keeps your relationship healthy, fun and alive. It acts as a buffer to the stresses life throws at us all. Put simply, if you laugh together, you'll stay together!]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.919154 2011-08-05T07:43:14-04:00 2011-10-05T05:12:01-04:00

Simone Bienne http://www.huffingtonpost.com/simone-bienne/
The first step in neutralising arguments about your finances is to recognise that money is loaded with different meanings for different people. When I see couples for therapy it's useful to see what money meant to them as they were growing up. Did they see their parents argue about it? Did they feel on the outside of their peer group at school by either having too much or not enough cash? Ask yourself these questions. Without a doubt, your attitudes to money will be strongly influenced by your parent's relationship with it. The answer(s) will translate into the meanings you give money today. The most common are power, security, fear, freedom and guilt. With such highly emotive feelings it's understandable when we talk money, eruptions can follow. Often with couples, when they realise how the past is playing in their present, it frees each of them up to focus on the here and now. Money may still be important to them but it no longer disables them.

The other issue at play is the gender difference surrounding attitudes to money. For a man, if he's feeling insecure in his career (for example, because of an enforced redundancy meaning he is no longer the main breadwinner) he'll be low on confidence. Work, especially for men, is an area strongly linked with his sense of masculinity. And of course, anything that makes him uncertain about his role in the world, or feel like a failure will play out in your relationship. Perhaps he's more irritable, argumentative, angry, or depressed. Add to this the shocking fact that, worryingly, it's thought half of women feel financially insecure. And when we're insecure, the first thing many of us do is look for reassurance. If your partner is feeling as worried as you are, it sets the perfect recipe for an argument. He'll be defensive, and feel guilty he can't solve your money problems. So, how do you change both of your mind-frames from fearful to positive? Start by introducing the following tips and you will both feel richer within weeks.

The best ever tips on How to Avoid Bankrupting Your Relationship

The truth might not hurt as much as you think

When there is money trouble, most of us would agree that it is all too tempting to sweep the issue under the designer sheepskin rug. Sure, in the short term, denial may feel like the safer option; but in my experience of working through this issue with couples, sooner, rather than later, the worry will get the better of you. Before you get to the point where you lose control of your anxiety and explode at the innocent check out girl, face up to what you're dealing with. Do your sums, not on what you earn, but according to your take home pay. And spend a week tracking what you've been spending your cash on. You might be surprised at how easily you will opt for a cup of instant coffee before you leave the house, after you see the cost of a week's worth of grande skinny latte's.

Do the maths

A survey recently said 51% of people want to talk about money with their partner but don't know how. And so they don't. The pain of facing up to the facts will be halved if you do the maths homework as a couple. Number crunching can leave most of us cold. So it's important to give yourselves some kind of reward afterwards. When you sit down together look at what can stay and what can go in your monthly figures. Don't be a martyr about it though. Be realistic. If your hair cut is half of the month's food bill, look at what alternatives you'd be willing to consider. Don't agree to anything you know you won't carry out because money infidelity will seriously affect the health of your relationship. Once you've agreed on a budget, stick to it. Be fluid: Review your choices every month. If you need to, renegotiate. Then start again.

Smile as you tighten your belt

Tackling cash flow problems together can give a relationship a renewed sense of "we-ness". It's exactly the same feeling couples shared when they first met. You know the one: That overwhelming feeling you can tackle anything together. Back then, maybe it was a fantasy. Now, you can make it a reality. It may be a cliché, but it's true. Managing to support each other through the really tough times strengthens and solidifies your relationship. It becomes recession proof. And these days, there are not many things we can say that about.

Be creative
As your cash flow means fancy restaurants are off the menu, it's time to rely more on your imagination for romance. The list is limitless. To get you started, be creative in your home. Run a hot bubble bath, add some candles, a glass of wine, and you've just turned your bathroom into your own private spa. You can also make your bedroom a sanctuary, by clearing it of any clutter. Then set the scene and create the feeling of a romantic weekend away just add some clean sheets, mood music and subtle lighting.

Be gender sensitive

If you're the main breadwinner and you go out together and he offers to pay, let him. Put cash somewhere you can both access it, which avoids him having to ask you for it every time. And never use your higher salary as a power tool. Remember by keeping his ego intact, you'll both get an emotional, financial and sexual pay-off. ]]>