2013-05-22T04:56:21-04:00 Soila Sindiyo http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/index.php?author=soila-sindiyo Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Soila Sindiyo Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3264567 2013-05-13T02:38:24-04:00 2013-05-13T08:29:47-04:00

Soila Sindiyo http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soila-sindiyo/
Now this man was in his late 40s and he had lost his mother a couple of years ago. They were very close and he missed her dearly.

So, when asked this question, I naturally assumed that the death of his mother would indeed be the most difficult time of his life, but it wasn't.

He talked about his parents' divorce when he was 11 years old! He said that it still affected him to this day. It as a nasty divorce to say the least that left him feeling angry, alone and abandoned as his parents fought it out.

He remembered his father not turning up at all to pick him up for the day and when he did, there was so much fighting and arguing that he would just return to his room until they were done.

The transitions between the homes was such a nightmare for him that he found himself wishing that he didn't have to see his father ever again if it meant that it would eliminate the horrible anxiety that constantly sat in his belly that was fuelled by the fear that there was going to be a vicious verbal fight when he arrived.

He was well aware that his mother didn't help by doing little things that she knew would infuriate his father. And each time, his father would rise to the occasion. It was a horrible dance.

Co-parenting after divorce or separation needn't be hell. No. It may not be easy but it needn't be hellish.

I'm not going to create a tip sheet for you on what to do to be successful in your co-parenting arrangement because no matter what I or anyone else says, the one thing that you need to constantly keep in mind is your child. That's it.

If for one second you imagine the scenario from your child's perspective then you will learn just how terribly upsetting it is to hear the exchange of words, the doors slamming, the shouting, the name-calling etc.

If you, as the parent and adult, find yourself getting angry and emotional think what it might be doing to your child; same emotion, little body.

Children of divorced parents already have plenty to cope with, plenty to adjust to and at times plenty of emotions without the added anxiety gifted by his/her parents.

Co-parenting is such a wonderful thing. It's not about point scoring. You can do that in other ways, if you must, without using your child as ammunition or holding him/her hostage.

When you send your child to the other parent in dirty clothes, arrive late to pick him/her up or not turn up at all, what do you imagine he/she is feeling? Who do you imagine is hurting? He knows arriving back with dirty clothes will only upset mum/dad, so already his anxiety is beginning to build. And why? Because you have your own agenda that's why. You're child is not your priority at that time, you are.

Keep in mind that there is a physical reaction to every emotion and in a situation such as this, the physical reaction is not a positive one and you are the cause. Sorry to sound so harsh but it's a fact.

Joint custody can be hard. It can be extremely challenging especially where you have a very unreasonable parent to work with. What I say to this is do your bit. Play your role as the supportive parent that you want to be. Have a support system where you can take your emotions, thoughts, anxieties and fears.

Just keep your child in mind. Create your own parenting plan that works for your family. He/she has really no one else.

Your marriage might be over yes, but your family isn't. It has transformed, changed and it's time to adjust to that and play along nicely.



Soila (www.soila.co.uk)]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3263091 2013-05-12T13:36:46-04:00 2013-05-14T04:37:45-04:00

Soila Sindiyo http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soila-sindiyo/
In the meantime however try very, very hard not to take the following personally, not easy it's true but definitely not impossible:

1. Fleeing Friends: this will, most likely than not, happen and it will hurt but I promise you, you will not only get over it at some point in time but they will be the ones to come seek you out. They did me and I said no thanks. I was a friend in need which was obviously too much for them and that's ok.


2. Nameunation (Name + Ammunition): I am not one to swear verbally let alone write it out but I think you can guess some of the names that couples call each other when the divorce war is in full swing! If these words are thrown at you during the divorce process just keep in mind that this is war and that's what happens. I always remember the first time one of my exes called me a pretty insulting word, my first thought was, "Huh? " I was literally shocked speechless! And all I could give back was, "Wait. What?" To which he quickly replied, "I'm hanging up now." Sounds so civilised now - I promise you it wasn't then. It's a war. It's a fight and he/she is reacting to a given situation and it just so happens to be you on the receiving end.


3. Threatorics (Threats + Rhetoric): Ridiculous threats that are so obviously pulled straight from the movies. "I'm gonna get you!" "I'm warning you!" "Be very careful, very, very careful." I remember screaming over the phone to one of my exes, "I'll see you in court!" I hang up and promptly burst into laughter and saying out loud to myself, "Seriously?"


4. Dwindling Invites: This is the weirdest thing and I'm not really sure why it happens. Either you get fewer invites out or the ones you get are only there because it's a blooming children's party. Dinner parties? Well, remember the Fleeing Friends, they continue having get togethers but somehow the email didn't get to you, neither did the text, whatsapp, facebook message etc. Again, once you pick yourself up again, the invites will begin to come again, then it will be up to you to say oui or non merci.


5. Ignore anything else that has no bearing in the direction of your life today except to make you feel even more awful about where you are. This includes stuff that people will say about you, things that you will read about being a single mum or dad or anything that is not at all conducive to your well being. Leave it. Don't analyse, don't internalise it, just let it come and go like a cloud in the sky does.


6. Breakupinions - other people's opinions about you and the place you now find yourself. Like it's often said, "what other people think of you is none of your business." You cannot change it and really is it that important?

Look if all else fails, make sure you have a fabulous support group of people or a person who knows how to keep you in mind and support you.

Go read some of my blogs they are there to help (www.soila.co.uk)

I'll leave you with this quote by a lady known as Helen Rowland:

"When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2722487 2013-02-20T04:11:13-05:00 2013-04-21T05:12:02-04:00

Soila Sindiyo http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soila-sindiyo/
Well, erm, yes. I am.

Why is it so difficult to accept this idea? Well because it is very much in our nature to blame others for things that happen to and around us. It's just natural. So to think otherwise takes some doing and some work. It would change the story you have been telling yourself and others all this time. And that can be a tough shift.

For instance, if you were to take some blame for your relationship breakdown (even if it's as little as 0.1% ) what would it say about you? How would you begin to perceive yourself? That you are not good at relationships? That you hurt him/her too? That you weren't as great as you thought you were in maintaining and keeping a happy home?

Look, you need to, at some level, accept that you played a role in getting you where you are or were either through your own choices, actions or both.

In the case of divorce, just the fact that you stood up and said "I do" is a starting point. You alone chose to marry that person - except if it was forced upon you.

Why is it important to take responsibility for the break up of your relationship?

Firstly, because if you don't or are not ready to do this, then it just means that you do the same in other areas of your life. If this is the case then you will always not only play the victim but even more importantly, you will always and continuously misdiagnose every problem that you have and if you misdiagnose then you mistreat. Wrong diagnosis = wrong remedy = chronic condition.

Secondly, to accept some responsibility is one of the most vital steps towards healing. "Yes, it happened. Yes, he left and yes she had an affair throughout our relationship. I remember I did this too which was not very nice and quite hurtful. So now what? Where do I go from here?"

And fix it you must otherwise you will only carry toxic emotions, thoughts and beliefs into the next relationship and the next and the next. Kind of gives you one of the reasons why second marriage divorce rates are stupidly high.

If you cannot, for the life of you, see what you might have done wrong, then ask those around you and be willing and prepared to hear, to listen. Or try and see various situations from your ex-partner's perspective. "How could I have handled that differently? Is some of what he said about me true?"

Ask yourself if you have done everything to get you healing from the divorce or separation. Unfortunately, I know far too many women who are stuck in the "I cannot believe he did that to me " phase 6 or more years later.

Oh and by the way, if you cannot take any responsibility whatsoever for your relationship breakdown, then you have no business getting into another relationship. Sorry. But you know why? Because wherever you go, there you are - you will only take your old self into the new relationship and we know how the last one ended.

Warmest of Hugs,

Soila]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2722120 2013-02-20T02:58:17-05:00 2013-04-21T05:12:02-04:00

Soila Sindiyo http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soila-sindiyo/ "Sadness steals your smile. Anger steals your laughter. Hate steals your heart." - Unknown

Ok. I'll get straight to the point. Your marriage or relationship has ended. That's no fun at all. It's tough and you're probably going through unbearable emotional pain and discovering thoughts and feelings that you never even knew existed out there let alone within you. I get that. I get all that, I have been divorced twice.

Pain, hurt, anger, hate, resentment etc are all part of it all. There is no escaping them - actually not recommended to avoid them but that's a whole other post.

What I fail to get is why after sometime, let's say a year, you still choose to continue bearing these negative and toxic emotions especially hate, anger and resentment.

I mean your ex very, very likely couldn't care less whether you hate them or not or whether you are full of anger or not. You can do what you want with your feelings and emotions for all they care.

Instead ask yourself - "If I were to forgive them what would happen?" "How would I feel?" "How would it affect them?"

Very often we equate forgiveness with letting the "perpetrator" get away with it.

Then at some point we state, "I can forgive but I won't forget." But those are just words strung together to make pretty sentence that means zilch. Question is do you have emotional closure?

When you do remember whatever it is that the person did to you, how do you feel? What does it do to you? Does anger still rise up in you? Most likely. If so, do you still think you have forgiven?

Truth is hate, anger and resentment change you. They change your heart and your mind.

And each time you meet someone, when you interact with someone, they don't meet the real you, they meet the person that you have become.

"When you habour anger, hatred and resentment, your body's chemical balance is dramatically disrupted. Your 'flight or fight' responses stay aroused twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. That means that hatred, anger and resentment are absolutely incompatible with your peace, joy and relaxation." Dr Phil

You will not be able to give love and compassion because you cannot give something that you don't have.

You can mask it all as much as you please but it will still come through in your actions and words, however subtle.

So, do think about it. Do give yourself a new path to follow by letting go off the resentment, anger and hate.

Stop holding yourself hostage to the past by starting to forgive. Practice makes perfect.

It is easier to start forgiving what happens today than what happened yesterday or a few years ago. If someone cuts in front of you at the lights or something, let it go. Tell him or her to go have their accident elsewhere.

Start forgiving today and what happened yesterday will start falling away as you begin to feel, experience and know how it feels to be free of hate, anger and resentment.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2400358 2013-01-03T19:00:55-05:00 2013-03-05T05:12:01-05:00

Soila Sindiyo http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soila-sindiyo/
With marriage number one, I was way too young. I was 21 and yes, my parents, especially my mother, tried to talk me out of it but how do you dissuade an all-knowing, all-stubborn-just-come-out-of-my-teens person not to marry the person she loves? It will be alright, I kept telling her. Anyway by 22 I was playing mummy, wife and student. There were many other factors that I can now see, that did contribute to the demise of marriage number one.

Marriage two didn't stand a chance. It started all wrong. I met him when I was going through a very acrimonious divorce from husband number one and he seemed to be my knight in shining armour. The foundation was wrong. The circumstances were wrong. My mindset was wrong. So I ignored what wasn't working from day one. It will be alright, I kept telling myself. It caught up with us later though.

Now, here's the thing, in March this year, I will be travelling to Kenya with my daughters to go celebrate my mum and dad's 50th wedding anniversary. Fifty years!

They got married when my mum was 18 and my dad 25/26. By the time my mum was 25 she had all 5 of us. She was employed full time and for a while there had no help at home.

What I remember of their marriage was a mixture of really good times as a family and times when there were constant loud arguments in the nights.

We were fortunate enough to be able to travel every holiday as a family, sometimes with friends, sometimes just us. We went to private schools, had nice houses and new big cars. But at times, I felt that I could easily have given all that up if the arguments and whispers about who had done what to whom would just stop.

But under the same breath, not only did they never, ever disrespect one another in public, but they always put on a united front when it came to us. My dad always demanded that we respect our mother.

They always did something special for one another on their birthdays and anniversaries even when a couple of days before they had been engaged in a bitter row over something we didn't even understand.

I remember my mum telling us recently that one time when they were going through a really bad patch, she packed her bags and us and drove back to her parents' home. Upon arrival, her mother, my grandmother, called her to the side, said something to her and my mum turned around, took us all back home and never tried to pull that stunt again.

To this day, she won't tell us what her mum said - I promise to keep trying to find out though.

50 years! I respect that a whole lot, especially when you have been part of it and seen that at times it was touch and go.

Today, it does concern me when I visit some online forums or speak with friends and family and they talk of wanting to leave their marriage because they are bored, because he doesn't do much in the house, because she has become boring ever since having children. Basically because things are settling down, things are changing and the whole high on love feeling is dissipating.

50 years? Is that possible to achieve with our generation?

Despite my two divorces or maybe because of them, I take marriage very, very seriously. I take your marriage seriously.

So I ask you do we take to divorce like a duck to water? Do we give up too easily and too quickly once the problems and changes begin to permeate into our relationships?

It's a genuine question to you because I actually, really don't know.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2327434 2012-12-21T19:00:00-05:00 2013-02-20T05:12:02-05:00

Soila Sindiyo http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soila-sindiyo/
If you are having trouble with co-parenting over the holidays, here are some tips for you:

• Instead of focusing on the time that the children will be away from you, focus instead on how you will be spending your time with them. Then make sure you have plans and some fun during the time you don't have the children. Don't make them choose which parent they want to be with and when - you are the adults here, sort it out for them.

• Choose not to fight in front of them. And I use the word "choose" because at the end of the day, that is what we do. Yes, this might be easier said than done but definitely, definitely not impossible. If you feel an argument brewing, catch yourself in time to make the decision not to rise to it. I promise you, with practice it becomes easier and easier and the fights become less and less and the little ones happier and happier and more secure and...you get the picture.

• If this is your first Christmas as a divorced or separated parent, then why not start your own family tradition that suits you and the children? Have your children help create the ceremony. You don't have to do things as you have always done them. New journey, new chapter and all that, so do what makes you all happy.

• I'm sure you've realised by now that once a parent, holidays are no longer about you, so if you want to have a good time, then plan your holidays more with the children in mind than what you want. Move your dates around if it means that the children get to have a peaceful holiday e.g. celebrate Christmas on 23rd or 27th if that's what it takes to have a wonderful Christmas. Who cares about the dates anyway - certainly not the children!

• If you have a parenting plan in place, then accept it as it stands. After all you played a part in putting it together so now put it into practice:-)

• Fight the urge to partake in the "Best Gift, Best Experience" competition. You do what you can and what is reasonable i.e. don't over indulge your little ones because you will only be setting high expectations for future holidays and risking losing your sanity at given times of the year, each year.

• You're very probably not going to like this but I'll say it anyway - do help your child buy a gift for the other parent. "Why?" I hear you ask. Well because you will be teaching your child about respect, grace and that it is ok to talk about and love his/her other parent no matter what has happened. The latter might sound obvious but you will be surprised how often children feel they cannot bring up the other parent in conversation in case they trigger something in you that will be upsetting.

So, seeing as you are now divorced or separated and that there are children involved, you will be co-parenting for years to come so you might as well do it right and properly for sanity's sake.

Who wants to be fighting every year, at the same time and for the same reasons?]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2268253 2012-12-11T09:41:05-05:00 2013-02-10T05:12:02-05:00

Soila Sindiyo http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soila-sindiyo/
This year they will be away for the whole holidays. Am I ok with that? Gosh yes!

I love my girls very, very dearly but I also cherish my time alone. I do!

I mean, they will be away having a wonderful time with the other side of their family and we will speak everyday if need be - the beauty of Skype.

Before we go our separate ways though, we're going to have our own Christmas together - the 25th is only but a date on the calendar. Our own ritual is what matters most.

What about me? What am I going to do during the time that they are away? I have been asked this over and over again? Well, to be honest, I cannot wait.

I have plans for some of the days and some not really. I don't even know what I will be doing on the 25th itself as all my immediate family live in Kenya.

So I'll wait and see how I feel before deciding how to spend that day.

But for now, all I know is that for two whole weeks...(drum roll please):

1. I don't have to get up early and actually I don't have to get up at all, if I choose not to.
2. I can go to bed when I want knowing that I don't have to be up early next morning and entertain anyone
3. I can eat what I want, when I want - bin the broccoli if I want to and stop pretending, for my children's sake, that I love and enjoy those mini-trees
4. I can go anywhere I want, and for two weeks if I want to, without having to be back at a certain time
5. I can watch all the films I want, all day if I want to
6. I can see my friends everyday, aaalllll day if we choose to
7. I can work day and night if I want to without having to stop and go pick anyone from anywhere, feed them etc

And the list goes on and on all the while knowing that my girls are fine, that they are enjoying themselves thoroughly. All the while speaking with them everyday twice a day at least.

Of course I will miss them and them me (she says hopefully) but not enough to stop them from spending time with their other half of their family - after all next year is my time, our time.

So if this is your first Christmas without the children, the choice on how you spend it is up to you.

Do you realise that? Can you see that?

Enjoy!

With the warmest of hugs

Soila]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2228652 2012-12-03T01:22:28-05:00 2013-02-01T05:12:01-05:00

Soila Sindiyo http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soila-sindiyo/
This is going to be her first Christmas in nine years as a single woman and mum and she is angry because she wants to spend Christmas day with the children and he wants the same. Neither of them wants to give in and it's not looking good.

Theirs was a long drawn out divorce that was shrouded in anger, animosity, hate and so much name calling that I almost forgot what their real names were!

Unfortunately, they often forgot that the children were present when they chose to fight out their negative (to put it mildly) feelings for one another.

Regrettably, this happened all too often, to the point where their little six-year-old would take her little brother out of the room as soon as she sensed that an argument was brewing.

While speaking the other day, Anna (I will call her that because that is her name), wondered out loud what she should get her little ones for Christmas.

"Peace," I responded.

She kept silent for a moment or two before asking what I meant.

"Give them the one thing that would make their Christmas a great experience. Give them peace. Stop the fighting and bickering while they are around and do it at your own time."

Ok. It didn't go down as well as I had hoped because according to Anna, I was blaming her for the disagreements and taking sides with her ex, who also happens to be a friend of mine.

That was not the case and to be honest, I refused to indulge her in this thread of a row waiting to happen and explained that I would have said the very same thing to Stefan had he asked me the same question.

If you, like them are trying to decide what gift to give your children, if you like Anna and Stefan are constantly fighting or arguing then consider, for your children's sake, to pull a ceasefire for as long as possible.

I mean, from the children's perspective, does it really truly matter, what day or date they get to spend time with you? Is that more important to them than actually spending some quality, fun, undisturbed time with you? Can you, for them, practice some flexibility around dates, days and time?

Celebrating Christmas with them on the 26th as opposed to the 25th for example, is really neither here nor there for them. They want a celebration, a ritual that they can enjoy and experience with you. And, sorry to be the one to tell you this, but once you are a parent, holidays are no longer about you.

Or look at this way - the parent that shows the most restraint in engaging in an argument is the one the children will grow to see as the one who provides them with the security that they need and the one with whom they feel safe.

So for Christmas, along with whatever else you're thinking of getting them, nothing is as special and as meaningful as a bag full of glorious peace. That goes much further than any other gift around.]]>