Tracey Cox2013-05-25T17:22:20-04:00Tracey Coxhttp://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/index.php?author=tracey-coxCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Tracey CoxGood old fashioned elbow grease.How Women Are Daring to Live Out Their Sex Fantasies a Year on From Fifty Shadestag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.30617652013-04-12T19:00:00-04:002013-04-12T16:59:09-04:00Tracey Coxhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracey-cox/Fifty Shades of Grey launched itself at the world, leaving its 70million female readers quivering with either excitement or indignation.
The question now is: what effect, if any, has Fifty Shades had on the sex life of the women worldwide who devoured the trilogy?
Did the antics of Ana and Christian - constantly on heat, having sex in public, spanking up a frenzy and generally stirring up a sexual storm - merely lubricate the imaginings of its readers?
Or did it inspire women to actually act on those awakened desires and fantasies?
Judging by the massive spike in the sale of sex toys (my kegel toner balls and bondage tape sold out pretty much instantly the second the book hit) and the eye-wateringly explicit secrets told to me for my new book, Dare: What Happens When Fantasies Come True, the answer is that Fifty Shades did more than just liberate women's minds. It's made them bolder, more experimental, keener to turn those erotic daydreams into real life adventures.
Women are doing one hell of a lot more than simply locking themselves in the bedroom while "mummy has a little lie-down".
Sex with virgins, sex outside, sex on a plane, sex with a male escort, on stage, live on a webcam, threesomes, foursomes, moresomes - you name it, women today are doing it... and telling me.
Dare is a collection of 30 women's real life experiences detailing what happened when they decided to take their sexual fantasies - something that existed perfectly in their heads - through to the often brutal reality of their beds.
The result is a selection of stories that blows the woefully outdated belief that women only like 'romantic' sex to smithereens.
These aren't all young, 'out there' twentysomethings, by the way. I'm talking bright, 'normal' women spanning all age groups. Their confessions might be anonymous and their names fictional but their age, profession and experiences are real.
Writing the book was quite the eye-opener - and I've been writing about sex and listening to people talk about it for over two decades.
The end result of their fantasy reenactments is an eclectic mix of steamy success stories, giggly disasters and out-and-out cock-ups of spectacular proportions. Entertaining and endlessly fascinating.
I was so impressed by this proudly brazen new attitude to sex, it was also the inspiration for my new product range of the same name, Dare!
Fifty Shades didn't just revitalise publishing - showing that yes, people do buy books still, after all - it's revolutionised the way women behave in the bedroom. We're pluckier, spunkier, more daring, more likely to open our mouths and own up to wanting to try stuff that would make our grandmothers leave the country, let alone faint. Which, quite frankly, is the best news I've heard in years.
Whatever you think of Fifty Shades (and does it really matter if it's not written terribly well?), it woke millions of women from a bored, sexual stupor and reminded them of how astonishingly good great sex can be. For that, EL James, we shall all be grateful.
Dare: What Happens When Fantasies Come True, by Tracey Cox, is out now (Hodder and Stoughton, £7.99 paperback, £4.99 kindle); her Dare product range is now available from lovehoney.co.uk.]]>Bonk Holidaytag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.15624542012-06-01T19:00:00-04:002012-08-01T05:12:19-04:00Tracey Coxhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracey-cox/WARNING: This blog contains graphic sexual content...
It's the Diamond Jubilee weekend and Brits will spend it drinking tea, eating cake and reflecting on all things British.
Well, your grandparents might.
Most of us will spend it getting trollied at street parties or tipsy in the park and by the river, eyeing off attractive strangers, toasting The Queen rather a lot more than necessary and stumbling home, in a celebratory mood, happy... and friskier than a TOWIE star out on the tiles.
Nothing like a national celebration to up the national average for sex. The combination of party + alcohol + time off + a lie in = more sex for everyone! Less 'God save the Queen' more "God help me I'm horny as hell'. First came the baby boomers when the world 'celebrated' after the war; brace yourself for the 'Jubilee Generation'.
And why not! The luxury of more play time is an inspired reason to make this a sexsational weekend. But play nicely people. The downside to horny hilarity is unwanted visitors (pregnancy or STIs), drunken snogs with people you shouldn't have your lips locked with, sex that doesn't quite turn out the way you'd imagined and red faces at the breakfast table.
Have a happy bonk holiday with this 'what if' trouble-shooting guide:
WHAT TO DO IF...
You fancy sex alfresco: Feeling saucy after Pimm's in the park and fancy taking a naughty detour on the way home? Taking sex outside turns tired, routine sex acts into ultra-charged erotic thrills. In the safety of your own home, your partner's hand sliding up your leg feels mundane; done in semi-public it's suddenly massively exciting. Choose low-risk places, fondle through clothing rather than remove it, choose a position you can unwind from in a flash and consider sticking to foreplay and finishing at home.
The mind willing but the flesh is weak: Alcohol release inhibitions and ups desire. Sadly, it also makes for wobbly erections and numb clitorises.
For her: 'Brewer's Droop' - the old fashioned term for erection problems after too much to drink - makes some positions impossible. Gravity helps so make sure he's on top and use your fingers to help push him inside you. Also remember, you don't need an erect penis to enjoy sex. Tongues and fingers feel equally as fabulous! Watch or read some erotica to provide the extra jolt he needs to sit up and pay attention. If you've been together a while, take hold of his penis with an extra strong grip. But if it's early days, putting too much pressure on him to perform will have the opposite effect. Instead, shift the attention from him to you. Ask him to give you oral, put his hands on your breasts. All eyes away from the drunk and nervous penis please!
For him: Too much alcohol makes nerve endings feel desensitized - one reason why she wakes up the morning after a drunken night before to find her telly cranked to deafening levels - and her vibrator on the strongest setting possible. She'll probably need much stronger, firmer stimulation than usual - and added extras. If she's hovering at the can't-quite-get-there stage for too long, add a vibrator, a tongue, an extra finger. Or both move away from the myth that says 'the only good sex is one where we both have an orgasm' and enjoy it for what it is: a highly pleasurable drunken fumble that feels great even if it doesn't result in climax for both or either of you.
You're tempted by others: Public holidays mean you're both out and about more, mixing with strangers more. Everyone's in a celebratory mood, drinking, chatting - and sometimes in fancy dress (the perfect chance for us to show off our best bits). If it's hot, there's even more to feast our eyes on as men strip off shirts, women bare midriffs and expose long, long legs. Temptation is everywhere and even the happiest couple can feel the inevitable and insistent pull of the lure of 'the new'.
How to enjoy yourself but resist temptation? First up, don't kid yourself you're bullet-proof. If you're out solo, feeling tipsy and chatting to someone who is becoming more attractive by the moment, leave. Don't kid yourself you're having 'a harmless flirt'. If that's impossible and you feel the 'harmless flirting' is being misinterpreted by the other person, start talking about your partner. Start sentences with 'We'. Say 'My wife/husband/partner blah blah blah'. In other words, don't pretend to be single if you're not. If it's left you feeling frisky, hang onto that feeling, get yourself home and unleash it on your partner. During the session, I see nothing wrong with playing a tape of what might have happened in your head as a fantasy. So long as it's in your head and not happening in your bed, it's fairly harmless and an excellent way to keep things spicy without acting out.
You're horny but have a house full of friends and family: Friends or in-laws staying over? Turn the need for silent sex from a negative to a positive. Once you're safely behind closed doors, lock yourselves in. Neither of you are allowed to make so much as a peep, no matter what your partner does to you. Make it naughtier by putting your hands over each other's mouths during crucial moments. Take advantage of every opportunity alone: send the visitors down to the shops for crucial cooking ingredients while you indulge in a quickie. Have sneaky snogs in the kitchen while they're innocently watching the BBQ. And remember to put all your toys in a lockable drawer if children are also coming to stay. Do you really fancy explaining to all exactly what little Sophie has clutched in her plump little hand?
Tracey Cox has her own range at www.lovehoney.co.uk - Britain's biggest online sex toy retailer.]]>Why Do We Cling on to Sex Myths That Just Aren't True?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.14597242012-04-27T19:00:00-04:002012-06-27T05:12:02-04:00Tracey Coxhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracey-cox/
For those of you who didn't notice the dozens of headlines shouting "We've found the G-spot!", a new study claims to have found 'evidence' of the elusive pleasure zone in the cadaver of an 83-year-old woman. It's hailed as ground-breaking research.
It's not.
Adam Ostrzenski, a gynacologist in Florida, dissected the anatomical structure, describing it as a "well delineated sac" (translation: it looks a bit like a grape), measuring between 8.1 and 33 millimetres. He claims this confirms the existence of the G-spot "which may lead to a better understanding and improvement of female sexual function."
Oh really? How exactly?
Just because he found something (what?) in the spot where the G-spot is supposed to be, doesn't mean that is the G-spot. As Debbie Herbenick from the Kinsey Institute said: "It's not like body parts come with pre-labelled signs indicating what they are - and calling this structure the 'G-spot' doesn't make it so."
How do we know that area felt pleasurable when stimulated? For all we know, it's a button that connects to the earlobe! (Joking - but you get my point!) Far more helpful had this all magically occurred within an episode of Six Feet Under where corpses frequently came to life and had conversations with the undertaker. Then they could have asked helpful questions like: "Did you enjoy it doggy style?" (People who have G-spot orgasms often report having them this way.) "Have you ever ejaculated?" (Again, there's a link). Or "Do you mind if we insert this specially designed toy and wiggle it around a bit to see if you like it?" The woman was dead and sadly remained dead so we have no idea whether the structure that was found generates sexual pleasure.
There's no doubt there's an area on the front vaginal wall that is ultrasensitive to stimulation, but we still don't know if there's a particular 'spot'. Does it really matter? Why do we feel the need to label things and give them catchy names?
The most fascinating thing for me about the whole G-spot 'breakthrough' (not) is that it highlights once again, how we cling onto myths about sex and refuse to let go, even when there is no evidence to support them.
Before you all go onto my website and search for whether I include a G-spot vibe in my product range or talk about the G-spot in my books, let me save you the trouble. I do! But that's because if I write "Front Vaginal Wall Stimulator" no-one will buy it. It sounds, well, off-putting, albeit more accurate.
I'm not denying that stimulating the area where the G-spot is reputed to be (one to two inches along the front wall of the vagina) is highly pleasurable for some women. That's why I talk about this area in my books and created a toy specifically to stimulate it. I'm forced to call it a 'G-spot' and call the toy a 'G-spot vibe' because otherwise no-one would know what the hell I'm talking about.
And none of you would care.
Mention 'G-spot', however, and ears prick up. People are full of opinions about it! "Yes, there is one. I have one, so it's true!" "No, there isn't one. So therefore there is no such thing." "My ex-girlfriend had several." "Mine is above my clitoris." Want to liven up a boring dinner party? Throw in that you went searching for your G-spot and everyone perks up instantly.
We want to believe there's a G-spot because it's a 'fact' about sex that all of us have heard of and therefore know about.
We cling onto other sex myths just as tenaciously. The one that says women orgasm easily and frequently through intercourse alone. We knew 2000 YEARS AGO thanks to ancient texts this wasn't true, and that women needed clitoral stimulation. But most people still believe this is true today.
I write the same old sentence over and over, "Only 20-30% of women orgasm purely through penetration" and no-one says a word to refute it but the average person doesn't truly believe it. Men still mutter about exes or current lovers who "seem to have no problem." Women blush (when men are near) and look evasive to imply they are definitely in the 20-30% category. (Good God guys, orgasms are so easy to fake, most men wouldn't know a real one if it tapped them on the shoulder. Not that it's your fault: women fake them so often, it's no wonder you don't have a clue what's real and what's not.)
Another myth that's still presented as 'fact': The average couple has sex 2.5 times a week. Why is this wrong? Well, there is no such thing as an average couple. This statistic is calculated by making one big sexual melting pot and chucking in the sex life of Bob and Dorothy, 85-years-old and living in a nursing home, with Tod and Sara, 19-years-old and going at it like rabbits, and everyone in between and coming up with an average number. It's utterly pointless. Frequency is (obviously) far more useful (if you must compare yourself with an 'average') if you take into account age, the length of time the couple are together and whether they have small children.
Why do we cling onto sex myths so tightly when they're so blatantly not true? Could it be because most of the general population are still sexually illiterate, despite the sexually saturated society we live in? We have sexualized teens, porn coming out our earholes, sex on telly, sexy ads on billboards and still we know nothing about the basics.
And they say there's no need for sex education in schools. Go figure!
Tracy Cox has her own range of sex toys at www.lovehoney.co.uk]]>Sex Made Simpletag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.12625262012-02-08T19:00:00-05:002012-04-09T05:12:01-04:00Tracey Coxhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracey-cox/
I totally related to recent research about mobile phone buyers that showed those with the most choice, ended up the least satisfied once they'd finally made a decision. Those with only a few phones to choose from, felt content with their purchase. Fabulous moral to this tale... Except few of us have the discipline to say, "Sod the internet/papers/Twitter/facebook and every other device and network that gives me too much choice. I'm only choosing from stores within walking distance of my home." Good, sound, altruistic idea but good luck trying to get everyone to agree to give it a go.
It's this surplus of information and choice which led me to write five mini e-books about sex, instead of producing my usual coffee-table-style tome (around 120,000 words). Our attention spans are reduced, our lives are busier because we all need to work harder, we'll all broke and I thought it timely to target some common but specific sex problems rather than write a big book covering a lot of areas.
So, this blog is primarily to introduce you to SEX SOS. It's my new series of e-books designed to give you instant, practical, useful information without you having to wade through an entire book to find out what you want to know. It's a fresh new format with up-to-date information based on all the latest research. Most importantly, I've chosen topics that men and women continually ask me about. If I've got it right, these little books will deliver what you want: quick solutions to sort out your sex dilemmas pronto!
What are the things I'm most asked? Men ask me how to last longer in bed, so there's one for him devoted to pre-mature ejaculation and similar issues. Women ask me lots of things but they tend to fall in several main areas. Orgasms - how to have one/more/with their partner - hence the, 'Why can't I have an orgasm?' title; sex toys ('How do I use my rabbit?' is what you're after if this is you) and desire. 'Will I ever want sex with my husband again?' is one of the ebooks I especially enjoyed writing because it addresses a very real problem in our society. Couples ask me how to have saucier sex, which was the inspiration for 'How do we have hotter sex?' The books are short, to-the-point and I promise they won't contribute to the information overload.
Once you've had a look, let me know what you think even if you don't end up buying any (On Twitter @TVsexpert or traceycox.com) Did keeping the book small and specific help you? Or would you rather a bigger book that covered more topics more thoroughly? Having written 14 books that are available worldwide, I'm curious to know what people want now. The world is extraordinarily interesting right now with all of us adapting and changing to technology that isn't so much pushing us forward but forcing us to pole-vault into the future. The way we get information about sex needs to change to keep up. Hopefully, the Sex SOS series does just that!
Here's a link if you want to check it out. ]]>The Case for Living Aparttag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.8975852011-07-13T16:28:09-04:002011-09-12T05:12:01-04:00Tracey Coxhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracey-cox/
Now, I wonder if there's something of a case for living apart - and know several couples who've proved it can work. Take Mandy. She's been with her man for 13 years and they still have separate places. He's a neat freak, she's a self-confessed domestic slob and neither wants to change. It struck most of her friends (me included) as a fairly trivial reason not to take the plunge. Three years into their relationship, when still neither of them showed signs of wanting to get married or cohabit, we all secretly figured one or both had commitment issues or they simply didn't love each other. Mandy ignored us, faithfully attended all our subsequent weddings, "we're moving in together" housewarming parties - and is still happy with her man more than a decade after the rest of us have divorced or angrily chucked ex-lovers things into bin bags, shut the door and found ourselves back at square one again. Meanwhile, she's renovated her place, with his help, and tripled the value of her property. They're currently doing the same with his flat. The logical next step would be to sell up, make a killing and use the proceeds to buy a gi-normous mansion that's big enough to include a messy "hers" area and immaculate "his" space. But no. "It works as it is," she says calmly. "Why take the risk and ruin a perfectly good relationship?"
Some people suit living together and if you can possibly manage it, it's clearly preferable even if just for cost reasons. But to live happily together, without resentment, you need to be good at respecting differences, able to stomach each other's idiosyncrasies and put up with the weird habits all of us have and think we don't. You need to be tolerant of each others' annoying friends, intrusive family members and pets that pee all over your carpets. You have to be able to allow each other "me time" without interpreting it as a passive-aggressive sign they're angry with you, that you're unlovable or they're secretly hankering after Jai, the hot, newly single thirty-something that Kate has, rather annoyingly, adopted into your group. (After all, you can't keep tabs on each other if you live apart, making it ridiculously easy to enjoy one-night-stands, even sustain a long-term affair.) It takes a mature, responsible, tolerant and forgiving adult to live happily with another - which is why so many marriages and cohabitated couples fail miserably. Most of us aren't any of those things, however much we'd like to pretend we are.
Couples with kids, of course, have no choice. It's hard enough parenting without shuttling your kids to and fro between Mum's house and Dad's place and explaining to teachers that everything is just fine and you are together and happy, just live apart, while they lift an eyebrow and wave a crayon drawing in your face that little Johnny drew of his family, showing two houses and him in a car on the way between the two. But if you don't have kids and are strong, confident, trusting and independent, living apart may just suit you - for a while at least.
As an agony aunt for more than two decades, I think one of the most common mistakes couples make is trying to rush to the finish line. Especially when they're still in the delusional honeymoon period and their brains are so flooded with love hormones, they have no idea who each other really is because all they see are projections of who they want each other to be. In the first six months, most of us would cheerfully Velcro ourselves together, such is the longing to spend every moment together. But if you really do want the traditionally happy ending which results in you sharing your lives - and a home - you'd be well advised to resist the urge and wait.
Living together sounds terribly romantic but in reality, it's hard. Bloody hard. A lot of couples try it, hate it and split. Often, it's because they've found out they're incompatible (nothing like living with someone to accelerate finding that out!). But in some cases, it's not that the couple aren't suited, it's just that they don't work well together when forced to do it 24/7. In those cases there's a strong argument for keep the relationship going and living apart for a bit, rather than forcing yourselves to fit the norm. Just as we've adjusted the traditional model of marriage to take on varied forms (gay marriage, civil ceremonies etc) because one size doesn't fit all, maybe we need to rethink the 'must live together if you're in love' concept as well. Just think of all that cupboard space!]]>