2013-06-19T14:47:42-04:00 Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/index.php?author=will-porter Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Will Porter Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3412492 2013-06-11T19:00:00-04:00 2013-06-11T12:48:29-04:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/ wild speculation about Helen Mirren and Miranda Hart.

It was always unlikely to be anyone of that high a profile, whether male or female, but I can't help feeling disappointed that show runner Steven Moffat hasn't chosen to shake things up little.

I'm not so concerned with the sense of continuity, although after eleven flips of the gender coin it seems strange that the Timelord only grew boobs on the twelfth attempt, unless you count Colin Baker.

What is far more important is that the Doctor remains a British archetype rather than conform to any preconceived physical form. He has been many shades of British eccentric; a tea drinking, jelly baby munching dandy, draped in cricket whites, tweeds and Edwardian velvet.

Perhaps this time, on the basis of a fairly representative one in 12 chance, the Doctor could regenerate as a Black or Asian British archetype. If you can't imagine an Asian Doctor then you clearly have never used the NHS.

Personally I favour a man with the presence of Don Warrington (or just Don Warrington), a figure who could embody the Windrush Generation, dressed Zoot Suit and trilby with a time faded West Indian accent.

A cricket nut with a bat strapped to his back should the chance of game arise or just the need to smash up some Dalek technology. Yes it's a stereotype, but no less than Christopher Ecelston's gruff talking northern Timelord.

The revived series has been a mixed bag when it comes to representing contemporary Britain with the dreary Martha and Mickey dragging on whilst the excellent Amara Karan and Yasmin Bannerman were killed off far too early.

These examples get to the core of the Doctor dilemma, a well-cast and well-written character is far more important than ethnicity or gender. Colour-blind casting is an important part of breaking down barriers, developing talent and challenging perceptions but more importantly would allow for a Doctor by merit not by preconception.

I've argued before that this time traveller's story is in fact the story of post-war Britain and on this basis gender and race are clearly part of that narrative. What I would find inconceivable is if the Doctor turned up as an All American Quarterback or Crocodile Dundee figure, now that really would political correctness gone mad*.

*trademarked of the Daily Express.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3211209 2013-05-06T19:00:00-04:00 2013-05-06T17:18:42-04:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/ Doctor Who have taken strangely similar journeys.

From black and white into campy Technicolor, these most British of extra terrestrial beings both blossomed in the Seventies, had a creative crisis in the 80s, revaluated themselves in the 90s and had a celebrated return in the new century.

Constantly changing and yet comfortingly familiar they appear in your life like your crazed Uncle Pete with new outfits, eccentricities and companions. These men who fell to earth seem to tap into something in the national psyche that has taken them beyond simple entertainment and into our cultural lexicon.

The birth of both icons was during a time that saw Britain a spectator on the sidelines of the space-race; unable to go to the moon we instead set off into the sky in budget blue box.

In the year of the moon landing David Bowie's first hit single, Space Oddity, did not seek to lionise space adventurers but to question their sanity. No Dan Dare here but a Victorian gentlemen and the spaced out namesake of a vaudeville clown.

In post-war Britain, forever a four minute warning away from nuclear annihilation, it feels natural that they should exude the cynicism of men who have seen too much.

A theme of humanism counters this cynicism, in Heroes Bowie tackles the Cold War through the eyes of two lovers and a stolen kiss. This idea of everyday heroism runs through the ethos of Doctor Who with each adventure finding ordinary people in dangerous situations doing extraordinary things.

One was an Englishman playing an alien, the other an alien who appeared as an Englishman, both travelling through other cultures and worlds as gentlemen explorers. This restlessness creates a sense of detachment; they are outsiders, observers of human behaviour.

Their extra terrestrial statue is used to explore the messiah complex. Ziggy, a prophet of apocalypse, who feared he'd blow our minds, was essentially a composite of other rock stars.

Self-described as the 'Leper Messaah' and 'The Nazz' (as in Nazareth) Bowie understood that performers like Jimi Hendrix, Iggy Pop and Vince Taylor were transcending their role as entertainers. These glittering icons were becoming quasi-religious figures both in audience's eyes and their own.

Bowie understood the messianic power of this new breed of social leader and as the Ziggy Stardust and Thin White Duke he would explore and even flirt dangerously with the iconography fascism.

With superior technology and knowledge the Doctor is a living god trapped in a moral maze when visiting alien cultures and predestined events. In 1963's The Aztecs he states that they shouldn't meddle with history, only to spend the next 50 years doing just that.

Yet there is a boundary that he oversteps in The Waters Of Mars where, by meddling with a fixed point in time, David Tennant's 10th Doctor sets in course his own downfall. Whenever anyone plays god in Doctor Who they face consequences, a rise and fall.

These are men in masks and in part our fascination lies in trying to peak behind that disguise. The brilliance of their personas shines brightly, but behind the charisma they both can be manipulative, calculating, even cold at times. Yet when the mask slips we see not just these unflattering features but men with a heavy weight upon their shoulders.

Ultimately though both characters have inspired a dedicated and creative fan base, a new generation inspired not just to ape them but also to contribute to their own creative and critical revivals.

Survivors from a once powerful empire, exploring past, present and future worlds, embracing diversity, blending tradition and technology, post-religious morality and sexual ambiguity, this isn't just their story but ours.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2421430 2013-01-07T19:00:00-05:00 2013-03-09T05:12:01-05:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/ "MISSING: White male, over 900 years old, goes by the name of the Doctor, appearance variable, please contact if seen."

That is how the posters should read when Doctor Who hits its 50th anniversary this November.

Admittedly it is the not the character who is missing, he is rarely in one place long enough to be considered found, but whole chunks of the world's longest running TV Science fiction show.

The story of these absent episodes has entered television folklore as a warning about the shortsightedness of the medium, so for those who are unaware I shall recap.

The BBC had a nasty habit of wiping old recordings to reuse the tapes. Had it not been for one heroic BBC staff member, armies of fans and occasional discoveries in foreign TV archives it could have been a lot worse, but the fact remains that we are still missing 106 episodes.

Why does it matter? Well, Doctor Who is a cultural touching point, like football or the weather. Its cross-generational appeal brings together children, parents and grandparents around a central mythology.

I am just about old enough to have watched the final years of its original run, when it firmly burnt itself into my psyche, and it was a meme that I could share with anyone born in the previous 40 years.

Each episode stands as a time capsule of British culture, its concerns and attitudes. Contained within is the ongoing mythology and iconography that is firmly part of our national discourse.

If something appears larger on the inside than the it does on the outside it is often described as like the Tardis, a long scarf will be referred to as a Doctor Who scarf and where once the Daleks looked like pepper pots, pepper pots now look like Daleks.

These missing episodes represent a black hole in a cultural history, a gap in the national lingua franca. It is bad enough that between the end of the classic series in 1989 and the Doctor's triumphant return in 2005, a generation missed out on this British rite of passage, but for an eighth of all episodes to have been sucked into space and time is a tragedy.

Very occasionally the odd episode is found but not at a rate that suggests we'll ever have them all. That's not to say there isn't a solution, audio recordings for every episode still exist and there have been official animations made to replace the lost footage. This has only been done for a handful of episodes and at the current rate it'll be over 100 years before you can watch the complete Doctor Who from start to finish.

Using the remaining scraps of footage and photographs to create accurate animated recreations is neither a cheep nor a quick process and the future of these projects remains in the hands of market forces.

We can't expect the current incarnation of the series to last forever and when the BBC puts the franchise on another hiatus the moment could be lost as interest dies down.

Yet with the falling cost of animation due to computer technology, its current momentum and its dedicated fanbase across the globe, all hope is not lost.

The BBC and related production companies cannot be expected to spend license fee payers' money on such a large project if they risk not making a return. Alternatively it's not the fanbase's sole responsibility to correct the Corporation's error and act as archivists

Somewhere in between lies a way forward, the fans are already heavily involved in the ongoing restoration project and an animation team is currently finishing an incomplete serial due for release later this month.

If the BBC and its production partners are willing to promise a donation match we could look to crowd funding a more ambitious program of animation. By raising the money upfront we could reduce cost through the economy of scales, seeking to animate 10 episodes a year and thus filling the void within a decade rather than a century.

2013 is the Doctor's 50th anniversary year, what better time to launch such a project? As the endless tributes and specials role out to celebrate this landmark, promoting such a fund would be easy.

With many millions of fans and viewers in the UK alone as well an increasingly large following worldwide I wouldn't foresee a problem in generating the money to get this started and on past experience the DVD sales should be profitable.

If you've ever got to end of a jigsaw to find a piece missing you'll know the sense of frustration many feel knowing that they may never live to see this televisual picture completed.

We are able to repair the country houses of the aristocracy and restore their ancestors' portraits, why shouldn't we seek to rescue these parts of the people's history.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2341316 2012-12-20T19:00:00-05:00 2013-02-19T05:12:01-05:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/
I've certainly been spoilt recently with around five doomsdays in two years, my favourite being Harold Camping's apocalyptic double fail last year. The one thing you can say with certainly is that if someone says they know when the end of the world is, it isn't going to be then.

The 21st December 2012 brought the Mayan Prophesy, whereby their calendar is said to come to an end and thus doom us all. Had the Mayans had a WHSmith they'd probably have bought their 2012 to 7328 calendar as well as a large bar of discounted Dairy Milk and we wouldn't need to worry.

Unfortunately they went to Paperchase instead and bought some patterned notebooks, they weren't sure what they'd use them for but they seemed nice. This had lead to 500 year wait to find out what we were going to be wiped-out by.

The hot money was on a mysterious planet slamming into us but you would have still got good odds on planetary alignment, a giant black hole, solar flares or geomagnetic reversal. Personally I was backing a giant Elmo doll crushing New Tokyo.

NASA disputed these theories, expect Elmo, but then, according to the doom-mongers, they were trying to cover up the truth. In fact anyone who disagreed was a secret government stooge.

What's the harm in such fanciful notions? In fiction none, apocalyptic visions such as War of the Worlds and Twelve Monkeys are a healthy way to explore our fears and discuss the future.

Unfortunately these predictions are damaging on both a personal and cultural level. It is one thing to entertain the possibility of the end of the world, it's another to sell your house and leave your job anticipating the rapture.

The world of Apocalypticism is unsurprisingly bleak. It's where facts and reason go to die and pseudoscience is king. It doesn't matter how many sensible people try to explain the reality of planet alignments or ancient timekeeping systems, the zombie army of basement dwellers march on.

This is a case of the delusional leading the gullible and everyday it is leaking out into the world causing distress and distrust. Some people are just more vulnerable to such hokum and we all have a responsibility to not mislead them.

There can be two approaches to such panics, reason or ridicule. Neither are particularly effective against those creating these scares but they can act as inoculation for the more susceptible.

In the post-non-apocalypse lets make a fuss about our continued survival. Track down the blogs and videos that said we'd all be dead and remind them, in whichever manner you chose, that they were wrong.

I personally favour calling people out over their predictions and asking for an apology. The videos and blogs should remain online with an additional retraction by the author as a monument to delusion and a warning to others.

Whilst we are right to be concerned about our future, with plenty of dusty of Nuclear Weapons lying about, dwindling resources and a ridiculously expanding population, we should challenge anyone who claims to know the exact date of our demise.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2233846 2012-12-03T16:33:16-05:00 2013-02-02T05:12:01-05:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/
In terms of the technological power, in the long running console wars the book is still open. The Wii, Game Boy and PlayStation all outsold their more powerful rivals but then again the aforementioned and underpowered GameCube was left trailing behind.

Where does this leave the Wii U? It launches this weekend in the UK as the most powerful console available but will be no doubt out gunned by its rivals over the next two years.

Nintendo are banking on repeating the Wii's surprise success with another unconventional controller. Although the Wii U is significantly more powerful than its predecessor the big development money has gone into a controller with a built in 6.2" touch screen.

If we assume power isn't everything then what is? Well the obvious answer is the games. Without that killer game, be it Sonic The Hedgehog on Mega Drive or Tetris on the Game Boy, you've got a flop on your hands.

With that in mind it logically follows that it must be the technologies ability to realise the game that matters. Sonic's crisp colours and fast pace were only truly possible with the advent of 16-bit gaming, whilst the Game Boy's superior battery life and lower price made it the perfect vehicle for the simple but additive puzzler Tetris.

Nintendo Dogs without a touch screen would have been as pointless as Wii Sports without the motion controller. It's not about how powerful the technology is but how well suited it is to making the games your customers want.

Even when a console does have lots of power under the hood it should come with a warning that much of it may never be used to enhance your gaming experience.

The Sega Saturn was notoriously difficult to develop due to its unusual internal structure. The PS3's almighty Cell Processer is said to have found itself unloved and underused due to the complexity of accessing its power.

The Wii U appears to have a fairly straightforward design that may not be exciting but will be appreciated buy developers and consumers alike if it reduces costs.

Nintendo choice to come to market first with a modest power increase may seem wiser when the 'PS4' and 'Xbox 720' launch and developers have to come to terms with the significantly newer technology.

So what is Nintendo's strategy? I would view the Wii U is part two of a three-part trilogy. The first instalment, the Wii, used its low price and motion controllers to attract casual and new gamers and placing the Nintendo brand in millions of homes

The Wii U now sees the trilogy hit puberty, with more power and a more conventional control system allowing for greater compatibility with mature titles. Between that standard array of control buttons lurks the touchscreen that is Nintendo's trump card

They've understood the battle for the television is a part of domestic life and offered a solution. The inbuilt screen can be used to continue playing your game when the rest of the family wants to watch the telly.

The controller also acts as a television remote allowing you to control you personal video recorder via the touch screen. Also there has been little fanfare for the fact it can browse Internet making it a tablet device as well.

Finally its dual screen game play is second nature to the 100 Million DS and 3DS users allowing Nintendo to tap into it huge handheld gaming following.

Add this to its compatibility with the Wii's accessories and back catalogue that have an installed base of millions it is a console that is growing up with the family its predecessor so successful attracted.

Nintendo didn't have the money or the commercial reach to battle Microsoft and Sony head on and so had to find a new audience and groom them. As Michael Plant sharply observes the Wii U's key title is Nintendo Land which subtly introduces new users to those key titles that have built the kind of loyalty that saved the GameCube from totally ignominy.

The Legend of Zelda, Super Smash Brothers, Metriod Prime, Kirby, Animal Crossing, Star Fox, Donkey Kong, Pikmin, Yoshi, F-Zero, Wii Sports, Wii Fit and of course the Mario 2D, 3D and Party series will all arrive at a steady rate.

So although I don't doubt that the Wii U will not sell as many units as the Wii, I will suggest it won't be gathering dust. When the Wii 3 comes Nintendo will have raised a generation with their design ethos of gameplay over graphics, brain over brawn.

The power is merely a means to an end, how you use that power and at what price it comes at is the difference between the successful and an unsuccessful console, just ask Sega.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1813258 2012-08-22T19:00:00-04:00 2012-10-22T05:12:07-04:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/
My preferred film of choice has always been of the animated variety, preferably Pixar, something I don't have to think about too much and I can nod off during.

Now, conventional medicine says that watching a DVD can't cure you, but my experience says that within 24 hours my symptoms will dissipate and I know my own body so I have chosen to ignore their 'evidence'.

Having researched this area by asking a few friends I found many of them had watched DVDs and felt better afterwards. In one stunning testimony one unhappy friend found that watching It's A Wonderful Life made them feel less depressed. Remarkable.

I started looking for answers and soon found homeopathy was the perfect model with which I could explain my findings; it too has no real 'evidence' outside of the anecdotal.

Applying the laws of homeopathy to my own 'filmeopathy' I found a new and safer way to treat human suffering. Homeopathy states that like cures like, so a substance that makes your eyes itch will help hay fever suffers.

By the same principle a film about the cold should surely cure a cold; I recommend Ice Age 2, The Thing or March of the Penguins.

If you have a headache watch Scanners, for seasickness, Jaws and if you're overweight The Nutty Professor. Just think how quickly we could deal with the AIDS epidemic with millions of copies of Tom Hank's classic Philadelphia.

The next issue was level of dose and it's potency, in homeopathy the less the better, so much so that homeopathic remedies don't contain a single molecule of the active ingredient.

With this in mind I recommend you only use the DVD case of the required film. Now don't get worried that this a rip off because the box has a memory of the film it once contained and therefore will still work.

I've been a practising filmeopathic therapist for a month now and sell a range of totally natural remedies I prepare myself. Firstly I remove the DVD from the case, then I bang the empty box against a table 10 times, As you can imagine this is very intense process which means I have to charge many times more than the film cost me.

The evil Pharmaceutical Industry wants to close me down by claiming that there is no evidence that filmeopathy works any better than a placebo. If that were true why did I find that the Placebo live DVD was an ineffective treatment of hair loss?

Big Pharma isn't interested in cures, just profit. That's why I invite you to join the multi-million pound world of Alternative Medicine. With a week's training you could be treating the seriously ill.

Scientists accuse filmeopathy of being a primitive pseudoscience but I'm not suggesting the use of VHS, that would be stupid, in fact I'm already exploring the potential of Blu-ray.

I take a holistic approach to my treatments which means, well I'm not sure what it means, but it does allow me to sell multiple products to the same patient.

Some people say it's unethical to say I can cure childhood leukaemia with just an empty copy of My Sister's Keeper but if it's wrong to let a trusting parent give an unproven treatment to a critically ill child then I don't want to be right.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1465848 2012-05-01T19:00:00-04:00 2012-07-01T05:12:24-04:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/ Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Whilst standing on rain soaked streets campaigning against the re-election of Tory Mayor Boris Johnson I've had a range of responses. Mostly, this being politics and in London, it's been busy indifference.

Often I've had cheerful support for my calls to sack the old Etonian. Occasionally though I've had a very strange response; "Yeah but he's funny, isn't he?" What worries me is that these people might actually be serious.

There may be many reasons to re-elect Boris, although I can't see them myself, but I'm pretty certain his comedic persona is not one of them. It's nice to see politicians who can display wit but it should be pretty low on the priority list.

The strategy of selecting a winner based on humour is flawed on two main levels. Firstly if you elect Boris because he's funny he'll have less opportunity to make you laugh, as Mayor he can only make so many appearances on Have I Got News For You.

Secondly the very act of being Mayor makes him less funny. I don't find myself chuckling when I swipe my Oyster card and see the 50% rise in my fare and, forgive my sense of humour failure, but my sides have not been splitting over the rise in knife crime.

The Tory Mayor's comic appeal lies in an image of him as General Melchett from Blackadder; a caricature of the upper class eccentricity. Of course General Melchett was a satire of the First World War generals whose incompetence would lead millions of the men to their death.

We certainly don't choose our comics on the basis of their political skills. I've never gone to a comedy club in the hope of seeing a comic who has a firm grasp of the pension crisis and a vision of how to sustainably develop Britain's public housing.

In fact comics often epitomise the worst of human qualities for comic effect. Misanthropes, neurotics and fools are comedic tropes that we enjoy within the confines of the comedy performance, not with their finger on the big red button.

This flawed selection process appears to come from the idea that all politicians are bad and therefore someone who appears to be less like a politician and more like a fool must be good. Unfortunately all you've done is elect a fool.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1447238 2012-04-25T19:00:00-04:00 2012-06-25T05:12:02-04:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/
Recently trends like #camdinewithme and #creepingsharia have restored my faith in the mob, unfortunately these are too often punctuated by the inanity below.

#hellomonday or #goodbyemarch

As if the passing of time isn't depressing enough there are those who seek to rub our impending deaths into our collective face. No Monday, Friday or new month can pass without being noted by those too young to understand this only signals the further disintegration of my shattered body.

The Sexist Trend

If I ever want to know #howtoshutyourwomanup or what #stupidstuffmensay I can always refer to the collective wisdom of the twitter playground. Setting gender politics back to the Stone Age these trends are a repository of lazy stereotypes.

#proudofjustin

Justin Bieber fans, 'Beliebers' as they like to be known, are, being teenagers, the most navel-gazing sycophants in the word. When not bickering with the equally pubescent One Direction fans they like trend dreary sentiments about their beige hero. Beliebers can declare their pride in Master Bieber for the smallest of achievements. Wiping his own bum without the help of his mother is enough to elicit the adoration of Cult of Bieber.

This will all end badly when the perky Canadian is found dead of an overdose in a Bangkok brothel and a spiked Kool Aid based mass suicide of his followers ensues.

The Racist Trend

When the barrel feels like it can't be scraped no more there is always the racist trend. I believe #whatblackguyslike is what Martin Luther King had in mind when he dreamt of people not being "judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character."

#replace_________ with_________

If you want to replace a word in a film title or a One Direction song with pineapple, goat or table this is the trend for you. Unlike the funny and clever pun based trends this requires absolutely no wit or thought and is consequently neither funny or clever.

The Obscure IT Convention Trend.

'Oh look, #NMMC12 is trending, you haven't heard of it? It the New Media Message Convention 2012, of course.'

With Web 2.0 came IT Hipster Douche 2.0 gathering to discuss the future of social media revenues streams. So interesting are these glorified industry conventions that, rather than paying attention, they promptly spend all day telling everyone on twitter that they are there.

#allgirlsarebeautiful

A very cheap sentiment and factually wrong. That's not to suggest that people can't be beautiful on the inside, just that some people are ugly both inside and out, Ilse Koch and Myra Hindley spring to mind.

#prayfor________

Quiet reflection on personal or global tragedies is often a valuable part of the human experience, where as praying is just half a handclap. Should a child go missing or a country be devastated by an earthquake we should all rest assured that praying will achieve nothing.

Praying assumes that God can be nagged into taking action, that people are crushed to death under the rubble of a building because we didn't ask nicely enough. For every 'miracle' survivor are hundreds of others that the G-man just kicked back and watched dying, slowly.

Prayers ineffectiveness either means your god doesn't exist or that all this suffering is part of his plan, which I'm sure will comfort that little girl locked in a basement as the shadow of her abductor enters the doorway.

Twitter trends can sometimes read like a shopping list of our cultural failings but just often enough something magical happens and millions can come together over a dog called Benton or Shakespearean pie pun.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1337503 2012-03-11T19:00:00-04:00 2012-05-11T05:12:03-04:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/
I believe him to be the man who stands on the wrong side of the escalator, the man who suddenly stops in the middle of Oxford Street to stare at the buildings. I suspect he believes that Oyster Cards taste of oysters and uses a creased paper ticket to get about.

He waits until he's at the ticket barrier to get his ticket out and then repeatedly puts it in the wrong way round. It is Boris who tries to cram himself onto the train before anyone's had a chance get off.

In short I imagine him as a tourist. The reality of course is worse than that.

Boris the Baron

As we rapidly approach the Mayoral election he reminds me more of a well-fed Colonial Governor of London shipped in by the Tories from far away Henley to maintain control of the natives. Flying into town from his weekend pursuits he sits on high in his City Hall fiefdom ensuring that his wealthy backers are placated.

Bus fares for our city's poorest have risen 50% whilst he cut the Western Congestion Charge Zone losing revenue of tens of millions a year from London's richest area.

Boris has had more meetings with bankers than the police; he undersold the sponsorship for the cycle hire scheme by millions to Barclays. He is the anti-Robin Hood, stealing from the poor to give to the rich.

Boris the Cad

Another overlooked element of Boris's old-fashioned villainy is his caddishness. He is a blaggard of Austein proportions, an ageing Wickham still adept at leading innocent voters astray.

In his 2008 electoral retelling of Pride and Prejudice he whispered sweet nothings in our ears whilst accusing his opponent of all his own flaws. The less superficially charming but more honorable Mr Darcy figure of Ken Livingstone would soon see the allegations against him disproven but not soon enough to stop caddish Boris profiting from his deceit.

It's worth dredging up the list of a few of the broken promises to reflect upon his treachery. There was his promise to sit on the Metropolitan Police Authority and not cut police numbers, not to raise the Congestion Charge, to negotiate a no strike deal with the rail unions and a pledge to keep ticket offices open at underground stations.

He either partially or totally failed to keep these promises whilst all the time pissing money up the wall on pet projects such as spending £11m on eight new 'Routemaster' buses and his ridiculous 'Airport Island'.

This is man who has barefaced cheek to repeatedly claim credit for projects predating his election victory by years, be it train upgrades, Crossrail or the London Overground. A man who called allegations of phone hacking 'codswallop' and whose deputy is accused of obstructing the investigation, will happily pronounce himself the '"father of the Leveson Inquiry".

Boris the Coward

Mayor Johnson also falls into another cliché of upper-class villainy; the self-interested coward. Pushing aside women and children and trying to bribe his way onto a lifeboat, he is happy to cut the ribbon but quick to desert when the ship is sinking.

Running on a ticket of accountability and transparency Boris cut the time he could be questioned by the London Assembly. He avoids public debates and has even walked out of a select committee questioning.

When the pivotal moment came in his mayoralty, the 2011 riots, he was nowhere to be seen. Days after it had begun he graced us with his presence mumbling to himself about Twitter being to blame.

Boris the Careerist

This may all seem very London-centric but this election is a referendum on failed Tory ideology and their dubious political standards. Mayor Johnson is totemic of the arrogance, the incompetence and the callousness of the coalition.

He may appear as harmless as a vaudeville villain but his prioritising of London's wealthy resulted in real hardship for London's poorest. For four years he has fiddled while London burned.

Our capital city shouldn't be a stepping-stone for his political ambitions, as a financial and cultural centre it is too important for the welfare of the nation that it is properly run.

London will endure, it always has, but why should it when on the 3 May 2012 we can Sack Boris?
]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1287535 2012-02-20T19:00:00-05:00 2012-04-21T05:12:02-04:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/
It's these 3,000 people whose fate is being decided by the finer points of international law and diplomacy and yet they only appear as the faceless child of divorcing parents.

In an age when our press likes to bemoan the increasing importance of Human Rights Legislation it seems that Britain's best defence of the Islanders is their right to self-determination.

Fuelled by patriotic fervour and a historic distaste for the British, this message appears to be lost on an Argentina still hurting from their last ignominious encounter with our beleaguered nation.

We're regularly told that technology is making the world a smaller place yet not small enough for the international power brokers to consider the impact their game of historical top trumps will be having on the islanders.

Perhaps it's time for the residents of the Las Malvinas to go viral in an attempt to reach out to the average Argentinean. It's time for the locals to pick up a camera and show everyone what life is like on the island.

I would suggest they create a tongue-in-cheek tourism video, one that knowingly plays on our national stereotypes and the quirks of a Little Britain abroad. Most importantly though it needs to help bring the territorial dispute down to a human level.

Start by showing the windswept rocky landscape in all its glory; lingering shots of its tree-less terrain surrounded by icy Antarctic waves smashing against these craggy islands.

The presenter could tour the island, seemingly unbothered by the gale force storm blowing around them, discussing its many sheep, boggy plains and array of lichens.

Then, and most importantly, talk to the inhabitants of the Islands. I imagine there is a woman called Margaret who owns the post office, a tour guide called Alan, Bill the fisherman and Janet who runs the local guesthouse.

They should discuss their love of a nice cuppa, custard creams and the importance of queuing. Next visit one of its four pubs to see the clientele supping warm ale and then show the delights of the local fish and chip shop.

Talk to the families; visit the schools, the peat cuttings and traditional Scottish dances. Perhaps the best way of ending such a video would be to explain that the majority of islanders are terrible at the tango, can't speak Spanish and would look awful in a poncho.

I'm not suggesting they morris dance in Beefeater outfits whilst eating spotted dick, although I'd like to see that, simply a little knowing humour and plenty of humanity could give some perspective.

For those argue over uti possidetis juris, continental shelves and Captain John Strong shouldn't forget that 900 people died in 1982 for the sake of pride and some isolated rocks 290 miles off the coast of Argentina.

The Falkland Islands are not an abstract concept, a historical debate or an investment opportunity but a home to a community of people for nearly 200 years. Until jingoism and oil are put to one side and people put at the centre of debate no reasonable solution can be reached. ]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1222103 2012-01-23T19:00:00-05:00 2012-03-24T05:12:01-04:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/
This drastic course of action is not for the sake of freeing a people from the tyranny of nihilistic capitalism, but in order to save Britain from itself.

I can't emphasise enough to our American friends that it's not you, it's us. We seem obsessed with ignoring the high living standards of our Scandinavian neighbours and instead prefer to copy the policies of the most unequal developed nation on Earth.

On crime, drug abuse, teenage pregnancy and poverty we look to a country that has failed to deal with these problems for inspiration. We're heading towards elected police chiefs, privatised healthcare and boot camps. This isn't a special relationship; it's a suicide pact.

Post-war Britain was able to reinvent itself by taking rock 'n' roll and rhythm and blues to the chop shop - so successfully, that we sold these bootleg boy bands back to the Americans and became a global musical power.

As we tried to fill the cultural vacuum of our dying empire, this love of Americana was to lead us astray. We adopted fast-food and McCoffee chains, ambulance-chasing lawyers and suburban 4x4s, obesity and out of town shopping centres.

We've embraced the worst elements of Uncle Sam's television; shopping channels, hyperbole driven news and 'dramality'. As I write, we fight a battle against the growing influence of US inspired pro-lifers and creationists.

We behave like the States' naive younger brother following it around into street fights with Middle Eastern nations. Yet strangely enough we're the dad in this relationship, it's as if the prodigal son returned and just got his old man stoned.

Now I wouldn't want to sound unhinged or anything, so for this 'Operation American Freedom' I'll be looking to form a coalition of the fed up.

The States' brothers, Canada and Australia, need to join us in a family intervention. I would also suggest the Spanish, Mexicans and French have some old scores to settle. Russia can only join if it agrees to play nice.

It's not as if I don't have a plan for when all that nasty business of war is over and done with; not having a post invasion plan would just be silly.

Britain gets the North East corner, Canada can have the North West, Russia can have Alaska and Sarah Palin. Spain gets Florida and Mexico can have the South West back. France can have the chunk it flogged off during the Louisiana Land Purchase as long as it builds a decent levee system for New Orleans.

Cuba can have Guantanamo Bay back, Australia gets Hawaii, America Samoa and any other random Islands it wants to holiday on. This isn't neo-colonialism of course but part of a transitional program towards democracy.

The next step is to enter into power-sharing agreements with the Native Americans who should feel free to open reservations for their white settler friends.

I would further suggest free healthcare for all, greater gun control and the freedom to criticise one's own nation without being described as un-American.

Ultimately though we wouldn't seek to settle historical differences or social problems, Britain has no high horse upon which to sit when it comes to such things.

What would be nice though is if we could focus on what is best about American culture; the energy, the creativity and the radical thinkers, rather than blind patriotism, religious conservatism and uncontrolled capitalism.

This is the nation of Noam Chomsky, Harvey Milk and Susan B Anthony. A culture of Warhol, Steinbeck and Robeson. This was the home of the moon landings and the Hoover Dam.

Sadly it would be far easier for all involved if Britain learnt to just ignore our friends over the Atlantic. If we sought solutions from nations with better records than our own and had the confidence to look at our own traditions of social reform to improve our society.

As that is clearly never going to happen maybe it's time to send in the Redcoats.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1186026 2012-01-05T19:00:00-05:00 2012-03-06T05:12:01-05:00

Will Porter http://www.huffingtonpost.com/will-porter/
That was a cheap shot, but then I read that David Cameron has been claiming, "We are a Christian country and we should not be afraid to say so."

The latest British Social Attitudes Survey has revealed that 50% of British people consider themselves to have "No Religion."

The number of people who describe themselves as religious has been falling and of those who do, many stated that they never attend a place of worship.

The idea that we're a Christian nation is based around poorly gathered data, a vocal minority and an erroneous perception that our entire culture is the result of besandaled Jew 2000 years ago.

This assumption has informed debate on the Lords' Spiritual role in the House of Lords, abortion, sex education, faith education and blasphemy.

The increasing amount of faith schools is in direct contradiction to the falling level of religiosity. All state schools are still obliged to have a "collective act of worship" which is "wholly or mainly of a broadly Christian character". That's despite only 44% of British people describing themselves as Christian, according to the BSA Survey.

With only 20% of respondents saying they are Anglican, the Church of England should be done under the trade descriptions act.

We now have a chance to ignore what celibates have to say about sex, marriage and homosexuality. We have a chance to acknowledge that this country's cultural history and identity is not solely built upon Christianity. Most importantly we have a chance to place reason over blind faith.

On a lighter note we should consider the implications of the growing numbers of faithless Britons. For a start the BNP and English Defense League can stand down from 'protecting the Christian majority.'

The national anthem needs rewording, as God Save Our Queen seems simply disingenuous. Rather than swearing on a Bible in court we can chose our own sacred text - I'd chose a battered VHS copy of Star Wars.

Most importantly, when some sanctimonious Vicar comes on the telly to lecture us about the 'true meaning' of the festive season we can remind ourselves that the majority of British people couldn't give a flying Christmas fig about it.]]>