The dating arena is second only to its Roman gladiatorial cousin when it comes to viciousness. But rather than fleeing knife-wielding savages, daters find themselves fighting off the advances of unwelcome, pot-bellied irritants or, more commonly, trying their best to seem attractive to those who probably wouldn't urinate on them if they were ablaze.

One can spend what seems like a lifetime wading through the deep and meaningful in search of love, or whatever your approximation of that is. As I have learned with the majority of my pre-date wooing, sometimes the build-up isn't worth the final result.

Uncle Guyliner is here with five pointers to prepare you. (Warning, if you're a horse-frightener or extremely boring, these may not help you any, but they're a start, at least. Right? Right.)

Organised religion - let's cut all this rubbish about sanctity, tradition, children and divorce. Let's stop pretending that bad stuff happens when things change or are modernised to move with the times.