You may already have heard of this baffling, uninspiring collection of names compiled by Britain's most-unloved national newspaper, but just in case you're nodding off at the back with your copy of Heat magazine, let the paper itself fill in the gaps for you.

If your beau isn't doing his best to turn up at a date on time, imagine how self-centred and lacklustre he'll be when taking up space on your king-size mattress.

We have slept together only twice, the last time such an amazing display of sexual incompatibility it should have been sketched for a textbook on how not to do it. I was left with merely an aching arm and a throb I had to alleviate alone.

A shortcut for making something seem immediately undesirable to straight men and the women who get boned by them is to label it 'gay'. Easy when you know how, and, boy, does the world know how.