THE BLOG

The Death and Rebirth of the Labour Party

17/08/2015 12:17 BST | Updated 16/08/2016 10:59 BST

Make no mistake; the Labour Party has been on life support way before Jeremy Corbyn's critics suggested his cardigan is really a Grim Reaper costume. Ever since Bush and Blair did their best impression of 'Bodger and Basra' - the war criminals who made Iraq resemble mashed potato.

For me the death came after the Welfare Bill went through Parliament (unchallenged by most Labour MPs), and the public heard the death rattle of Labour, which sounds a bit like a phlegmy Dennis Skinner.

The vultures have circled around Labour for years. Miliband even showed off a giant gravestone at one point, and outsiders have frequently dealt the party a huge blow, e.g. Russell Brand, who displayed a sudden passion for politics and urged his apathetic fans to vote for Miliband... a mere 14 days after the deadline to register had passed! With all the undecided voters choosing the Tories in May, Brand could've counteracted that swing with a large youth vote for "Ol'Wonky Face", or whatever he calls him.

Instead social media began a campaign to preach and shout at people until they voted Labour. Clearly it backfired. No-one would admit they planned to vote Tory in case social media labelled them 'elitist', or 'haters of the needy', and they would've been savaged if they showed interest in UKIP. The irony was that Labour supporters were hating people who are different from them, more than UKIP were!

So, in May voters chose dismantling the NHS over a man who couldn't eat a bacon sandwich properly. This is where we're at as a society.

Overnight the UK had become right-wing, thanks to 37% of the UK voting Tory, 4 million siding with UKIP, and tons of Labour and Lib Dem MPs losing their seats, the left had next to nothing to call their own. On the bright-side, now that I'm right-wing I can enjoy all the things Tories love, such as going poor-bashing. Which sounds great, as long as it's free, because I'm skint until pay-day.

And who needs the BBC anyway? All of those Attenborough documentaries, pah! If you want to see nature don't pay a licence fee, simply go out into your garden. And if you couldn't afford a property with a garden, draw a picture of a squirrel instead, and look at that. Or simply earn more money and move to the countryside, you cretins.

TV is slightly less exciting now I'm right-wing, for example, the British version of Daredevil features a man who loses sight in toxic waste accident, then is declared "fit for work", and has his benefits taken from him.

Only joking, I'm really a hairy liberal, and so is our new hero...

IRAQ TO THE FUTURE: ENTER CORBYN

Who? I've never heard of him. He looks like a Geography teacher. Why should I vote for him?

"Because he's nice, he's not the usual politi-cunt we're used to, he seems to CARE about people." Oh-my-god, this is unheard of! Here, have £3.

Current Labour MPs and campaigners haven't learnt from social media's failures, as members are told on an hourly basis to vote for one of three non-bearded candidates, resulting in the bearded one rising like a Phoenix from the ashes, and taking a huge lead from his rivals.

MAY: When the Conservatives said a "An SNP/Labour COALITION would be a disaster", they conveniently forgot about the last 5 years.

JULY - SEPT: When the media and Labour say "A Corbyn lead Labour party would be a disaster", they're conveniently forgetting about Labour's last 5 years.

In austere Britain it's apt that a man who looks like a malnourished Santa is delivering the best present for liberals: Himself! Instead of years in the wilderness Labour might have a new, dynamic, and 95% beige leader. But the media and Labour MPs past and present do not like this prospect. Even the liberal bible, The Guardian, is telling us that Labour is doomed if it elects Corbyn. They are urging supporters to back Yvette Cooper. "Tactically it's the best option". Yeah, tactics really worked wonders during the Welfare Bill vote!

And Tories want Corbyn to win because they think it'll make Labour unelectable."Corbyn will kill the party for good." Idiots! You are doing the party, and the lefty public a massive favour. And if the support he's receiving now carries on to the next election, you should be worried, very very worried.

New word - 'CORPEDO', to be used as;

a) A headline when Corbyn wins and BLOWS APART the Labour Party.

b) A headline when the Tory press deem him too popular, and begin Yewtree rumours.

The Corbyn debate is fascinating - It's so one-sided. I am still yet to see ONE pro-Corbyn article, commentator, or Labour colleague. Even Blair is finally acknowledging his unpopularity to deter Corbyn-lovers; "Even if you hate me, please don't take Labour over the cliff edge."

If I had a pound for every time Blair has said something daft, or has angered me, I could almost afford to pay him to shut up. Almost.

I'm being harsh. We mustn't forget that Blair was given GQ's 'Philanthropist of the Year' award last year. Hopefully the award can be delivered by drone and dropped onto his house, but it ends up destroying his whole village, just for old time's sake.

Back to Corbyn; What his detractors don't realise is; ALL YOUR HATRED IS JUST MAKING US LOVE THE MAN IN BEIGE EVEN MORE. This must be the easiest campaign ever for a politician. Corbyn might as well take a month's break. Those elbow patches on blazers don't sew themselves.

It's strange that no-one has likened Jeremy Corbyn to Nigel Farage yet, because;

- Everyone is against him

- He's changing the political landscape

- He will get tons of votes

- He looks a bit weird

"He's popular in England, but Corbyn could never win back Scottish voters".

Above: A recent photo of a rally in Glasgow.

What career politicians, media pundits, commentators, all the papers, and anyone with a flapping mouth and vocal chords cannot grasp is: The left want a genuine contrast to the conservatives, we want leaders and MPs who sound like us, who care about us, and want to change things for the better. We want Corbyn to restructure the party from top to bottom, to make Labour respectable again, and worth a vote.

Cooper, Burnham or Kendall would lose to the Tories, and everyone in their shadow government would sound like the current politicians we all know and hate. There's so much Corbyn love because PEOPLE WANT CHANGE. But all the naysayers care about is power.

And if Corbyn fails, so be it. Liberals will take it on the chin. And at the very least he could scare the right so much that it gives us, the dispossessed, the poor, the hopeless, something to smile about. Corbyn would never eat a bacon sandwich in public, because he's vegetarian, so the press have very little to use against him. Murdoch and co. will sweat for months. Ha!

Maybe this current swell of support among Labour members and interested parties can be replicated in May 2020 nationwide. Maybe we can see through all the doom-mongering, and after five more years of even more painful austerity the nation as a whole might be finally pissed off enough to make a change, and won't feel the need to tell people how to vote, as Corbyn would have captured their imagination way before polling day. Maybe Corbyn will be elected in a groundswell of euphoria, like Blair in 1997, but it will be better because Jezza would never go to war. He wears a cardigan, for fucks sake. Although 'The Beige Invaige' does has a nice ring to it.

Keep an eye on the AUSTERITY PLEASURES Facebook group for political and topical comedy gigs in the South East, including Corbyn themed shows. x