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Lord Lucan's 'Suicide' Witnessed by Credible Friend - Don't Hold Your Breath!

10/12/2015 11:45 GMT | Updated 09/12/2016 10:12 GMT

Few stories in the world have attracted quite so many crack-pot theories as the fantastical disappearance of Lucky Lord Lucan.

And this week, folks, we had another one: we've now apparently got a "credible" witness who saw the Earl commit suicide.

Don't hold your breath.

The evidence for Lucan's suicide was put forward to the High Court in London this week.

What we've got, apparently, is a nameless witness who some years ago emailed a Lord Lucan fanatic called Ian Crosby.

After 41 long years, it would seem that one of the Earl's old gambling pals has come out of the woodwork to say that he actually saw Lucan do away with himself.

Crosby hopes one day to meet the witness in person.

Hmmm.

Please excuse my skepticism.

I, like most other UK journalists over the age of forty, have often wondered what the hell happened to Lucan after he botched his wife's murder and instead bludgeoned the nanny to death. Lucan has never been seen or heard of since - and if any hack were to find out what really happened to him, it would be the great white whale of Scoops.

A while back, I had a revelation - I didn't need to find Lord Lucan.

I could just make the whole damn thing up, which I did, and "Lord Lucan: My Story" is a reasonably plausible account of what might have happened to the 7th Earl. In his own words.

Along the way, I have since unwittingly become the world's leading Lord Lucan expert.

Whenever the story gets some fresh new line, I am currently the go-to pundit of choice for the BBC and ITN.

And let us just say that I have had a lot of experience of receiving letters and emails from people who have the "cast-iron proof" that will solve the Lord Lucan mystery. Scores of emails!

Some correspondents watched the Earl blow his own brains out; some saw him get fed to the tigers in a wild-life park belonging to that absolute crook John Aspinall; and a fair few have had rock-solid that the Earl did not kill himself, but that he got clean away and even now he is residing in Africa/India/South Africa.

And therefore...

I've heard so many crazy, cockamamie theories about Lucan that the very moment I hear those dread words "compelling new evidence", I brace myself for another blimp-sized serving of hot air.

I have no reason whatsoever to think that this latest "credible witness" will be in any way different.

It was only a year ago that we had another "credible" witness saying they'd seen Lucan flying out of a private airfield in Kent.

Well - maybe. It's at least as likely as the theory that he killed himself.

The point of the latest High Court hearing is to determine whether Lord Lucan can finally be labelled D-E-A-D. Unfortunately the hearing has had to be postponed for a couple of months, so Lord Lucan's son George will have till after Christmas before he can finally call himself "The 8th Earl of Lucan".

I wonder why he wants the title.

Could it perhaps, just possibly, be to please his glamorous Danish fiancée Anne-Sofie Foghsgaard; well who wouldn't want to be a Countess, even if the title has been ever so slightly tainted?

However: 47-year-old George is in error over one small detail.

George said he was applying for his dad to be presumed dead because he wants closure.

Fair enough.

But George then made the mistake of adding: "Well I will get to know what my surname is for the first time after 41 years. It will be Lucan, but what's in a name?"

What, indeed, is in a name?

Well generally, most of the time, George is quite correct. A name is just a name.

But sometimes you get a name that comes loaded with connotations, such that you hear the name and you automatically think of all the baggage that comes with it.

For instance - names like Adolf, or Hitler, or Stalin. These all have a very strong resonance. It will be a long time yet before these names are free of negative vibes.

And, at least in the UK, the name "Lord Lucan" also comes loaded with meaning. The name has almost become a national joke.

I'm sure it will go down a treat when George makes a restaurant booking under the name Lord Lucan.

But I suspect that what most people will think when they're introduced to "Lord Lucan" is this: "Ahhh yes - wasn't your daddy involved in a murder?"