The Santa Claus List: Santa's 10 Very Best Tips For Christmas

01/12/2014 17:37 GMT | Updated 31/01/2015 10:59 GMT
Jose Luis Pelaez via Getty Images

Hi there - Santa here.

Just decided to make a list of my very best Christmas Tips. So many people out there trying to be Santa Claus on Chistmas Eve, so many of them messing up. They just don't know their ass from their reindeer!

Without further ado: The Santa List, as so officially authorised by the world's Number One Father Christmas.

1. You want to make a list - and you want to check it. You want to check it at least once, maybe even twice.

The thing is: if you don't make a list, then you're going to cock things up. You'll be giving presents to naughty kids who should never have been on the list - and, much worse, you'll forget to give presents to the nice kids. The nice kids get really cut up if they don't get any presents.

So: Make that list! Check it! Check it once! Check it twice!

2. Do your homework. Before you make the list, you've got to suss the kids out. Basically: you've got to find out who's naughty or nice.

Now this isn't nearly as simple as it might sound. Lot of naughty kids out there who are just faking it. Naughty kids do not go on the list.

And then there are a whole load of kids out there who may have a bit of an attitude but who are fundamentally nice. Nice kids go on the list. Guess what I'm really saying is: you've got to know if they've been good or bad.

3. The kids you're really looking out for are not just the nice ones but the ones who've been good for Goodness' Sake. These are kiddy gold.

Now over the years a lot of people have asked me: "Just what does it mean to be good for goodness' sake?" (And should there be an apostrophe after goodness, or should we just leave it as is?)

Personally speaking, I prefer the apostrophe. "For Goodness' sake" just looks classier, know what I mean?

And what is being "good for goodness' sake?" Tricky. Maybe it's the kids out there who just like being good. Never given it much thought.

4. Check the sledge, check the reindeer - because on Christmas Eve, you want to be coming to town.

You do not want to be stuck on some chimney top just because Rudolph has thrown a shoe.

You see this whole Christmas Eve schtick is really all about planning. You find out who's been naughty or nice. You make a list - and then you check , check that list. And then you also have to check that the sledge and the reindeer are good to go - otherwise you will so not be coming to town.

5. When you get into the kids' bedrooms, see whether they're asleep.

The kids have to be asleep because otherwise they're going to see what you're doing. Sometimes they start shouting. Things can turn nasty.

How do you tell when they're asleep and when they're shamming? I don't know. It's a very difficult thing to put your finger on. Intuition. Somehow you just know when they're awake.

6. Watch out for the criers and the pouty ones.

Kids who are crying or pouting are basically not asleep, and therefore, as per tip # 5, should be avoided - and I'm telling you why: these kids are the not the sort of kids who deserve to get a goddamn Christmas present.

Why? Well: we just don't like kids who cry. And as for kids who pout? Yuk! Pouty kids are not going on my Christmas list any time soon.

7. I tend to stock up on a lot of the same presents - just makes things more simple. For the girls, I prefer little tin horns and little toy drums.

They're a bit noisy, particularly when the kids wake up, but for me horns and drums are always a total winner. Just make sure they're little though - big horns and big drums do not go down well with the parents.

8. As for the boys, I generally like to give them rooty toot-toots and rummy tum-tums

I know what you're thinking. You're probably thinking the same thing I was thinking when I first heard about rooty toot-toots and rummy tum-tums: as in, what the hell is a toot-toot, rooty or otherwise, and just what, if any, is the difference between a rummy tum-tum and violent diarrhoea?

It's perfectly simple: they're sweeties! Some dullards believe that rooty toot-toots and rummy tum-tums are the noises that come out of the little horns and drums, but this Is not the case. Otherwise the boys would have no toothy-rotters to suck on in the morning.

9. You can't dick around on this job - you're a busy, busy man. Guess what I'm saying is this: there's no time for play.

First time I started out, I was for ever fooling around. Sucking on the rooty toot-toots and playing the little tin horns.

But if you're serious about being Santa, you've got to realise there are millions of stockings to fill - and you've got to have the whole lot filled by Christmas Day,

10. Lot of things to remember if you're going to do Christmas Eve properly. You've got to make that list, check it twice; find out who's been good or bad, and in particular, look out for the kids who have been good for goodness' sake. Check the sledge and reindeer so you can actually get to town. Once you've come to town, you've got to see who's sleeping and know who's awake. Watch out for the criers and the pouters; give the girls the horns and drums (the little ones not the big ones), while the boys get the toot-toots, the rooty ones, and the tum-tums (rummy are best).

Oh yes - and most important of all! There's no time for play! You're a busy man with a million zillion stockings to fill, and so just you make sure the whole lot are filled by Christmas Day.

Come to think of it - we should be setting these ten tips to music. A song would really make the job a whole lot easier.

(Having had a look on Youtube, I think Bruce Springsteen probably does it best - even though he's missed out half my b****y tips!)