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Revealed: The Most Awful Brit Alive Today - And What To Do With Him

16/03/2016 12:52 GMT | Updated 16/03/2017 09:12 GMT

Though it's never yet been run, I wish somebody could start up a popularity contest to decide, once and for all, who is The Most Awful Brit Alive Today.

I first pondered this question a month ago, when The Night Manager started airing on Sunday nights - and when we were invited to believe that the scumbag Old Etonian Dicky Roper was Evil Incarnate.

But Dicky Roper is merely a dodgy arms dealer. And in my Most Awful Brit contest, Roper wouldn't even come close to the runaway winner - a man who has, in the last five years, effortlessly seen off all opposition.

Talking to friends, colleagues, random passers-by, I have concluded that the stand-out winner as Most Awful Living Brit would have to be Tony Blair.

My guess is that Tony will be winning this competition for a long time yet.

The man attracts such visceral loathing that if he were to go into any busy pub in Britain today, then he would face an absolute volley of abuse.

Hard to put your finger on exactly why Tony is the most reviled human being in Britain today, but it's probably just the disappointment. That heady rush of first love that we all had in 1997 (me excepted). For a short while, we, well, believed he might be different. We thought he was the one. And then it dawns on us that he's just another shyster selling Westminster snake-oil.

It might now be timely to recall the almost mystical prescience of Tony's wife Cherie.

In 2008, Cherie deliciously took the time to reveal her predictions for the future - saying, amongst other things that Tony would go down "very well" in history, and, further to that, that "he'll be up there with Churchill."

Well I don't know quite how long Cherie is prepared to wait before Tony starts going down "very well" in history, but I fancy she'll be long dead before Tony's ratings start to pick up.

Other contenders, then, for most Awful Living Briton? Well - arguably Cherie herself, and perhaps even Tony's loathsome side-kick Alastair Campbell. But though both Cherie and Campbell were pretty repellent, they were always just side-shows to the main event.

Gordon Brown is not overly popular at the moment, and nor is he ever likely to be - but the man's clinically deranged, and always has been, so he gets quite a large sympathy vote.

"Sir" Fred Goodwin might have won the title a few years back, but Fred The Shred was only a demented control freak who brought the British banking system to its knees. We Brits were never in love with him and so he's never had to face the corresponding backlash. Dear old Fred, tinkering around with his vintage cars, frothing at the mouth over RBS's pink biscuits: he wasn't really that bad. He was just carrying the can for the rest of the Fat Cat bankers.

It has been suggested that Jeremy Corbyn or George Osborne might be in the running - but these two guys do not meet the stringent standards needed to qualify for Most Awful Brit Alive. They're both politicians and so they're both hated by a large portion of the country. But, as with all politicians (Tony honourably excepted) they'll also have a lot of fans.

There is one man who might, once, have given Tony a run for his money: the odious property magnate Nicholas van Hoogstraten. Whenever Van Hoogstraten gets mentioned in the news, he always gets a bucket-load of bile thrown at him. But Van Hoogstraten has sensibly decided to ship out of Britain - so we are not for ever being reminded of what a complete shit he is.

Ditto Earl Spencer.

Ditto Sir Mark Thatcher.

But Tony is different. Tony is the special one. Because even though Tony spends much of his life abroad, spreading peace in the Middle East, it seems as if not a week goes by without yet another reminder of his malign presence. We're sick of the sight of him - and yet we're never allowed to forget him.

So here is my BRILLIANT plan for what to do with The Most Awful Briton Alive Today. It's legal. It's humiliating. And it will add greatly to the national merriment.

So far, the only genuine outlet for the public's loathing of Blair has been the "Arrest Blair" campaign. You spot Blair and you go and try and arrest him for war crimes. All good clean fun, but there's no real embarrassment factor and you'll always be bubbled by his bodyguards.

Here's a better idea.

The scenario: you happen to be in a bar or swanky five-star restaurant - and there is Tony having a meal with his hangers-on.

Then: you go to the bar and order a nice big drink - preferably a sticky one, like a Flaming Sambuca. If the sight of Tony is sufficiently enraging, then order a whole tray.

Next: the Norman Wisdom stumble. Norman Wisdom was a great comedian whose trademark gag was to trip himself up. I even saw him do it in Buckingham Palace when he was knighted by the Queen. It's very easy, only takes a few minutes practice - just catch your right toe behind your left ankle, and make like you've stumbled.

Walk past Tony's table, trip, and chuck your Flaming Sambuca over his shirt.

The Pièce De Résistance, "Ohhh Tony, I'm so terribly, terribly sorry. Honest mistake - let me buy you a beer to make it up to you."

But if you are going to throw your drink over Tony, then please, please, please have a mate on hand to record all the fun.

PS. Apropos nothing at all: that sex scene in last Sunday's episode of The Night Manager.

1. Even if you've got Tom Hiddleston's buffed body, and even if you're wearing a bespoke suit, it's still a tricky look to carry off when you've got your trousers round your ankles. Like keeping your socks on.

2. Tom was perhaps just a wee bit premature - barely lasted eight seconds. More like a sex-starved schoolboy than the stuff of stud-muffin fantasies!