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Ten Reasons Why I Wear Sunglasses at Night

14/05/2014 17:52 BST | Updated 14/07/2014 10:59 BST

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"Why you wearing sunglasses in 'ere for"?..

"Oi mate! where's the sun"?

I get asked these type of questions by randoms every time I've got my sunglasses on in a nightclub. Now, It could be in a venue full of guys wearing shades but It seems I'm the approachable, non-threatening, go-to guy for these questions to be fired at. I now know how Mario Balotelli felt, Why Always Me?

So, for all those who want to know, Here are my 10 reasons for why I wear sunglasses at night.

10. I look mysterious in them.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. Well then my windows are tinted!

The only person in a room with sunglasses on is automatically the one people will be more curious, and talk about. Is he or she important? I wonder what their eyes look like? I bet he's a pr*ck...I bet she's stuck up...all these questions and no answers? Mystery maintained. 9. Not enough people saw my exclusive designer sunglasses in the day...

...So I'm extending the public viewing through to the evening!

For some people, If they're honest, there's nothing more frustrating than parading something brand new and exclusive for the whole day and not receiving one compliment for it. There comes a point you may start making unnecessary trips to random places in the hope of grabbing a last minute compliment to hit your imaginary target of 5 per day.

Guys do it with their new cars, women do it with their outfits. I do it with my sunglasses. 8. No one can accuse me of 'screwing them'...

...'eyeballing' or 'watching man'. Sunglasses on means no accidentally prolonged eye contact with a group of shifty looking goons posted up outside the female toilets. 7. Girls look better.

You known when the night ends, the blinding house lights come on and every female cowers, shielding their eyes turning into hissing vampires? Well that is called the Light of Truth.

That 8/10 hotty you were chatting up in the dark is finally revealed as a monstrosity from something out of Dusk Til Dawn. Her lush brunette locks turn into snakes and her custom nail job are now jagged badger claws.

However, with your sunglasses on (the darker the tint the better), any female you find yourself conversing with, in your eyes, will remain a 8/10.

Why not take off your shades and see what she looks like before talking to her you may ask?

Rule No.1 of wearing sunglasses at night. Never take them off!

6. They're my perv orotectors.

When talking to a female with heaving breasts hulking out of her top, its very hard (no pun intended) to maintain eye contact. Not If I'm wearing my perv protectors its not! Try it! While your at the bar resting the side of your face on your fist, nodding in acknowledgment to her yapping on about something your not remotely interested in, she'll assume your eyes behind your sunglasses are fixed on hers, when in fact, you've dropped your glance a few inches down, oogling her 'tattas'. Perving in private. 5. To protect my eyes from the club strobe lights

This is what I tell doormen just so I'm allowed in the vicinity with my shades on, no matter what their door policy. I tell them I have a fake eye condition, flash them a 'medical card' (Burtons store card will do) they can't argue with somebody's condition therefore letting me keep my sunnies on. Works every time. 4. I'm doing research for a film I'm in, I play a blind dancer.

Not true, but I give this answer to super drunk girls who ask why I'm wearing sunglasses at night. 3. They protect my eyes from the bright orange glow of fake tan

Essex girls take note. 2. Uh, because I look cool in them?

Michael Jackson (RIP) did it. He was cool. Anna Wintour, Karl Lagerfeld, never seen without a pair of designer sunglasses. They're cool. [insert your favourite rappers] are all wearing them! They're definitely cool! Gosh, wearing sunglasses at night has been around since the 60s, keep up! And finally... 1...COZ I F**KING WANT TO!

Happy? Printed version of this list will be available to hand out to any individuals on request. If you have been affected by these questions being asked in your nightlife, please feel free to use any/all of these answers on offenders. :P Pic credit: Trailpictures