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Awkward Stories of the Week

25/07/2013 16:34 BST | Updated 23/09/2013 10:12 BST

Embarrassing Encounter with the Floor Polishing Machine

- Submitted by Brad Oakes. Comedian and good fella. (@Brad_Oakes)

I had a job when I was about 19 where I used to polish the floors in the old Queen Victoria Hospital, Victoria (Australia).

One night my polishing machine was on the blink and took off down the corridor without me.

I chased it and grabbed the handles only to have the thing buck then flip me over the handles onto my back.

Then the machine came at me between my spread legs and the half metre diameter brush head was agitating between my legs like a rabbit on Viagra.

Just then about a dozen female student nurses walked out of the cafeteria and saw me getting polished on the floor and nearly fell over laughing at the sight.

I have had mixed feelings about nurses ever since then.

Synth and Teddy Bears!

- Submitted by Jana Pettersson who is a Swedish national who hates snakes and coriander.

A few days ago my boyfriend bought a new synth on eBay and the seller promised him a good discount on the condition he went around and collected it in person. So after work today he went over to collect it.

Upon arrival at the property my boyfriend was greeted by a politely spoken gentlemen in his mid to late forties, well turned out. The seller insisted that if my boyfriend wanted the discount he come into the property to test the synth before buying it.

Entering the living room (small sized) the first thing my boyfriend spotted was the large number (approx 50) of a variety of pink teddy bears. These were stacked in large piles around the perimeter of the room, he then also noticed there was no other furniture about from a very large Marshall guitar stack. The seller sheepishly explained that these were his only furnishings.

Not perturbed by the surroundings my boyfriend continued to make polite conversation whilst testing the synth. It was only after taking a moment to consider what he was leaning on that he realized it was a gleaning chrome pole dance pole from ceiling to floor in the middle of the room.

The conversation went a little dry at that point and on further inspection of the room it transpired the only wall not covered with teddy bears was in fact home to 100's pairs of leather boots.

He then quickly handed over the money and fled.

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