My name is Carol Tobin and I am from a small town in Ireland called Tralee. Now that I have your attention, I was wondering just how crazy in love you really were when you sang about being crazy in love? I would love to know what frame of mind you were in, as you seem to skim over exact details of said craziness. Where was your head at? On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being where you offered to give up all contact with friends and family in return for a monthly visit from that love. And 1 being where things ended so painfully amicably, that you wish each other a Happy Birthday every year via text message.
I'm sure I was much crazier in love than your lyrics suggest, when I once foolishly gave a man the answer to the security question "what was the name of your first pet" and let him log into my heart. I would like to think I'm over the whole drama but perhaps writing you this letter proves otherwise. Tell me Beyonce, did you ever hide yourself in a bathroom and learn all the chords to Steely Dan's Reeling in the Years because you once heard him whistling that tune? Did you ever track down all your old school diaries from the difficult years, erase Johnny Depp's name, then replace it with his name and leave them down the back of his couch, producing them after a fight saying "look I loved you before we met"?
Did you ever get private golf lessons in case his parents ever suggested watching golf on the TV? Or learn how to use the washing machine in his family home in case his mother suddenly fell ill and couldn't wash his work shirts? Did you ever watch him sleep, through a secret webcam in his bedroom that was concealed behind a picture of the world famous glamour model Jordan? Have you heard of Jordan? Did you ever give up cigarettes because he hated the smell? Or start dabbing petrol behind your ears and knees because he liked the smell? Did you ever suggest having babies together even though you didn't want a baby and he didn't want a baby but you thought that not wanting a baby together was having something in common?
Did you ever borrow huge amounts of money from loan sharks and use it to sponsor his favorite football team so that he could be reminded of your name every time he watched them play? Or borrow more money from those loan sharks and get subliminal messages placed in movies saying "The Girl To Your Right Is The One" and "You Should Be Happy With Your Lot?"
Did you ever spend weeks travelling America in search of the secret ingredient in his favorite cola drink so that you might casually impress him with the information one lazy Sunday morning? Did you ever send flowers to his work place thinking it would be cute, but they mixed up the order and sent him a funeral wreath instead and he thought you were depraved when he read the enclosed card saying "I would die without you."
Beyonce, did you wear the same perfume as his mother in a desperate bid to get him to propose to you hoping the scent would trigger off contented, settled images of the future? I don't suppose you got a gastric band secretly fitted because one time he admired a pair of jeans you were wearing and you wanted to fit into them forever?
Did you learn how to change a tyre, then burst a tyre on his car regularly, hoping your capability would be deemed attractive? Did you ever put Vaseline on your teeth so that you could smile easily when in his company? Did you ever make a small freezer bag out of a big freezer bag so that you could carry ice around with you, then rub the ice over your nipples to get his attention when he was staring at other women? Did you ever pretend you weren't allergic to the tomatoes you were allergic to because you didn't want to show signs of weakness?
Does love make crazy people or do crazy people make love?
Do you know Eminem? I bet he's funny in real life.
Follow Carol Tobin on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@CarolGertrude