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Pugs Can't Dance and Other Canine Confusions

13/08/2014 13:57 BST | Updated 11/10/2014 10:59 BST

I attend a weekly class at our local dancing school. The one with all the mummies in it trying to relive their youths and thinking they are cool. (We aren't, we know that, but we still have a lot of fun!) Anyway, this week the teacher was talking about her pet pugs and how if they were people they would make terrible dancers.

Which got me thinking, what things couldn't dogs do, if they could do stuff?

Pugs couldn't dance

Well, they would give it a jolly good go, pugs are nothing if not enthusiastic!

However, although they would look very cute in tutus, I reckon as soon as the music started they would forget all the training, start bouncing around like idiots, then collapse in panting, wheezing heaps with big smiles on their faces thinking 'wasn't that fun!', while the audience looked on in complete bemusement. In fact, thinking about it, that's not actually that different from our class's last performance ..... oh dear.......

Labradors couldn't go for dinner

Sitting quietly at a table waiting for everyone to be served before diving in?! Making polite chit chat, eating neatly and not diving head first into the bowl and gobbling it all up?! No, I can't imagine a Labrador being the perfect dining companion. They would be more suited to the 'All you can eat' buffet but even the concept of carrying their plate back to the table might be beyond them!

Collies couldn't play tennis

Voluntarily hitting the tennis ball away from themselves?! For someone else to play with?! With the point being to try to make sure they don't send it back you you?! Nope, this would certainly not compute with most of the ball mad Collie dogs I know!

Staffies couldn't queue

To the Brits, standing politely in a queue is practically a national pass time but to one of our most beloved breeds, I reckon it would be a complete anathema. Staffies are great, fun loving, family animals but I suspect patience wouldn't be one of their virtues! They would be barrelling their way to the front of any line (easy for them with their broad shoulders and small stature) to see what the fuss was about!

Cocker Spaniels couldn't be bouncers

Or security guards, or snooty maître d's or anything that involved stopping people from going into places or questioning them at the door. A Cocker's attitude would be,

'Hey! Great to see you! Quick, come in, come in! Oooh, I'm sooo excited you are here! This is the BEST thing that's happened all day!" Very definitely NOT "Yer names not down, yer not comin' in"!

Toy Poodles couldn't play rugby

Can you imagine? 15 dainty little toy poodles lining up on a rugby pitch? If you could even get them onto the field; "Mud? Dirt? I'm not getting my pretty little feet mucky!" And if you did manage to get the whistle blown and one caught the ball, I can just imagine the poor thing standing bewildered and quivering as the opposing team (probably Rotties - natural rugby boys the lot of them) came barrelling down on top of them. No, the Toy Poodle would be much more suited to staying on the sidelines!

Jack Russel Terriers couldn't go to the opera

Firstly, sitting still for that amount of time would clearly be impossible. They would be the irritating person who constantly fidgets in their seat and keeps getting up to go to the loo. However, that wouldn't be the hardest thing, their challenge would be keeping quiet. A JRT is all about their voice, and staying silent while right in front of them lots of people were making noise would be completely impossible!

The Old English Sheepdog couldn't be a decorator

The greatest irony of all; the breed used for years to advertise Dulux would be a nightmare anywhere near a newly painted wall. Unless, of course, you felt a fur over-lay in 'canine grey' would make an interesting feature!

Well, that's my attempt at summing up our canine friend's failures but please do add your own in below.

I was originally planning a sequel with cats but then I realised; even if they could do stuff, they very definitely wouldn't, because they would know that we wanted them to!

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