No need for pre-amble, you know why you're here. You've watched the first trailer for Star Wars: The Last Jedi about three dozen times, your eyes have glazed over and you're still trying to pull yourself together and decide what to make of it all. I'm here to help.
Ok, let's go in chronological order.
1) Rey practicing her telekinesis?
Echoing Luke's training on Dagobah, here we see Rey moving stuff with her mind. Obviously we've seen her do better than pebbles, summoning her lightsaber at the end of The Force Awakens. The most important thing here is that Luke's not making her do it upside-down which had to be Yoda trolling, right?
2) The masked man no longer
Kylo Ren tossed his mask aside before offing his dad in the last one, but one question remained going into TLJ: would he have spares? Well, looks like he did, he doesn't any more. Ren's mask was always a symbol of his insecurity, an effort to project fearsomeness, and of his fixation with his grandpa Darth Vader. Does this show he's his own man? And does this prove he's finally lost to the Dark Side?
3) The secrets of the Jedi
Luke's been hanging out all this time on Ahch-To, supposedly the site of the first Jedi temple. Looks like he's found what he's looking for.
The shot of the book also times with Rey's voiceover saying "balance". Might be that the future of the Force is something other than the oversimplified 'light' and 'dark' sides... More on that later.
4) Inevitable training montage
Had to have one.
This took me back to being a kid and waving a stick around in the garden making whoosh noises. Pure nostalgia.
5) New ships, old walkers?
Besides this being just a beautiful shot with the contrast of the rich red and stark whiteness of the terrain, it's always cool to see new ships. Director Rian Johnson told EW that this new planet is Crait, the site of an old Rebel base that will end up playing a key role in the film.
This shot might remind fans of the Battle of Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back, for more reasons that one... is that AT-AT walkers on the horizon? Let's hope that in the 30 years since Hoth, they've had a think about the vulnerability of those legs.
6) All is not well for Finn, Poe and BB-8
Finn's healing up, but it remains to be seen how much getting slashed in the back by Kylo will affect Finn. On-set photos don't hint at any prosthetics or impairment, so maybe he'll be just fine.
Meanwhile, Poe and BB-8 are with the Resistance and under attack. Bye bye to Poe's sick black and orange X-Wing.
7) Falcon in flight
As usual, the Millenium Falcon is being chased. My question here is where is it headed? Has Chewie left Rey on Ahch-To to rejoin the Resistance, have Rey and Luke been found, or is this Rey heading back to the frontline having completed, or left, her training? Cue shot seven...
8) Woman on the run
Rey's running toward something (duh). Doesn't look like Ahch-To though, so maybe she has done a Luke in Empire, sensed her friends were in danger and rushed toward the fray? And will it be with or without Luke?
9) Hello, Kylo
Our first proper look at Kylo Ren. Most importantly, he has retained his cross-guard lightsaber from VII, and doesn't seem to have upgraded or refined its temperamental blade. Scar's healing nicely too. And is that a bit of Sith eye corruption, or just reflection of the flames around him?
10) Flashback to the burning temple?
So this is really interesting.
Looks like Luke and R2-D2 at the site of a burning temple, our hero dropping to his knees in defeat. It's almost a certainty that this is a flashback to the sacking of his academy by former apprentice Kylo Ren, given all those corpses there.
Further evidence: it slots pretty well with this shot from Rey's dream sequence in The Force Awakens:
11) "It's time for the Jedi... to end"
Two possibilities here: this is either Luke at his lowest, unwilling to train Rey and still too broken by the betrayal of his nephew and destruction of his budding Jedi order.
Or, as hinted earlier, perhaps Luke is advocating moving away from the black and white Jedi vs Sith dynamic. After all, Luke's triumph in Return of the Jedi was balancing the light and dark, embracing the Dark Side enough to defeat the Emperor and retain his sense of self.
12) Not long now
Only eight more months. Only 248 days. Only 5,592 hours. Only 357,120 minutes. And only 1,000,000,000 more articles like this overthinking what's to come.