It is more likely than not, that any resolution we make at the beginning of the Year will be broken pretty soon. Whether it's the diet that we intend to stick to, the 'being nice' instead of snappy, or the course that we promise ourselves we are going to take up or finish.
If you are separated or divorced, then 2013 will hold all sorts of anxieties and fears about what it may bring. The New Year can feel like a lifetime stretching ahead with nothing in it to look forward to. It can feel like a long road of conflict and hostility and it can feel like an overwhelming amount of loss or emptiness. Although it may not seem like this right now, it is a fact, that divorce is an end, but it is also very much a new beginning. Divorce is an end to the beginning of your relationship, but it is also the beginning of something else, perhaps not yet known.
If you are thinking of resolutions, there are some that need to be made and need to be adhered to, because they affect not only our lives but have an impact on those around us. What is absolutely sure is that if you have children, they will need protecting from conflict between you and your ex. Their relationship with their other parent is completely different from your relationship and feelings towards that person. Therefore, one of your resolutions that should be kept is to keep any hostility and acrimony to minimum visibility. Keep it below the radar, because you will be doing them the biggest favour. You need to look back to this time and feel proud about the way you have handled it for your children.
Make a resolution for 2013 to find a new life for you. It may feel right now, like second best or like you don't know where to start. One minute in one day is where you start and take one minute or one hour at a time. By holding onto hostility or endless thoughts about your ex, you are protecting yourself from moving forward or thinking about that scary unplanned for future. Let go and face forward, there are opportunities for you there and a place and space just for you. The unfamiliar is always frightening, but as soon as you inhabit it, it becomes familiar and more comfortable.
Make a resolution that once a month you will look at one bad point in 2012 as your marker. Then using that marker, you will see how far you have moved and how much better you feel compared to that point. You are entitled to feel better and to move through this painful process and come out the other side intact.
Although you may feel you are the only one feeling like this, you are not. The statistics themselves show that one in 3 marriages end in divorce, you are far from alone. Sometimes, by holding onto the same lifestyle, you are not acknowledging that when we experience different life events, it means sometimes the old way doesn't fit any more. Friends or invitations may fall away and life will feel different. That doesn't mean you should feel on the outside of things just that you could be on the inside of something else, something that fits better. Resolve to be brave enough to find out what that is.
Make 2013 the year you faced an incredible challenge and overcame it. Let 2012 go and resolve to do all that you need to, to make 2013 better for yourself.
You can email Charlotte Friedman at firstname.lastname@example.org
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