In the name of all things Grinchy, December is a God-awful month. You can't kiss anyone without inadvertently slathering their face with your winter waterfall of snot. You can't leave the house without half of Topshop's knitwear collection stacked around you like a big, knitted Michelin man. You're stuck with a perpetual case of borderline frostbite and the unshakable feeling that global warming is a fantastical MYTH. Fat men in red suits corner you at every given moment with the tenuous excuse of festive goodwill; fat men in black suits corner you in every given nook cranny with the tenuous excuse of office party inebriation.
Festive good cheer? Twoddle. It's an orgy of rampant consumerism, masked by a thin veil of fairytales, faith, or an intoxicating mix of the two. When all's said and done, turkey can go stuff itself, champers can cork off, and unprecedented levels of snot smearing can be bumped off for my preferred function of December: the countdowns. Endless torrents of programmes, articles and lists summarising and critiquing every category, sub-category, person and thing to have featured in the jigsaw puzzle of 2011 rear their judicious heads at the close of the month. Most of it is utterly gratuitous yearly detritus, greeted with zealous enthusiasm by the Daily Mail website only, but dear Lord does my inner anally retentive info-geek love it.
So really, it would be childish of me not to join in. But, as my levels of infantilism are on par with a petulantly puerile tween, my rankling huff of a round up shall be cynically centred on what 2011 clearly lacked: a smile from Kristen Stewart. As one of the biggest stars of 2011, if not of the last half-decade, K-Stew's got a lot to smile about. But does she? Does she heck. She's obviously suffering from my December-itis on a year-round basis. Poor chicken. Oh well, I'm going to poke fun at her miserable face nonetheless, sorry Kristen... go spread your snot on Robert Pattinson's face and it will all feel better.
My Christmas present to you all: 2011 in Kristen Stewart's frowns, complete with a Richter scale of angst.
The 'They Put My Face On With A Trowel' Frown
Angstiness: 7
To be fair to Ms Stewart here, I'd be pretty angsty if I'd had my face caked in this much slap... but not to the point where I look like I might pull a Raoul Moat on the red carpet. Stand back, members of the general public, the eruption of Volcano Stewart is imminent.
The 'Frowns Aren't Just For Emos' Frown
Angstiness: 6
One of K-Stew's more 'ironically amused' frowns, this is probably as close as she gets to unbounded joy for life in 2011. The emo hair doesn't fool us Kristen, we all know you'd be giving it grumps with or without the mullet of a self harmer.
The 'I Smell A Filthy Paparrazzo' Frown
Angstiness: 9
Skillfully including an expertly-judged nostril flare, Kristen does the perfect impression of a particularly pissy llama. A true inspiration to stroppers the nationwide. And a great warning to the Paparrazzi- everyone knows projectile expectorate shortly follows a good nostril spread.
The 'I Feel Your Pain, Dirty Tramp' Frown
Angstiness: 8
You know what it's like, when you've got millions of dollars in the bank, the career of your dreams, a boyfriend coveted by millions of screaming women, yet you still look like you spent the night curled in the doorway of Spoons, cradling your white heels? No? Well, K-Stew does.
The 'Who Wants To Get Married Anyway?' Frown
Angstiness: 3
It's the happiest day of her life, the cinematic event of the year for yelping teens the world over and all she basically has to do is wear a lush dress and gaze into the eyes of our generation's answer to James Dean. But does that make Kristen Stewart happy? No. It makes her, at best nonchalent, at worst slightly nauseous. Good work Kristen, and many a happy frowning return for 2012.
