This week sees the publication of the long-awaited report into the future of the BBC. Speculation is rife that, rather than biting the bullet and choosing between putting either BBC Three or BBC Four entirely out of their misery, BBC bean counters will instead try to merge both channels into one single entity.
A good way to look at this plan is to imagine how successful you would be if you tried to bake a cake and change a car tyre at the same. On a Motorway hard shoulder. During an electrical storm. While wearing a top hat and tails. And being attacked by a rabid dog.
The name of the new middle-brow channel is likely to be either BBC Throur or BBC 3 And A Half. The new channel will take elements of BBC Four's highbrow schedule that no-one watches, and add them to the dumbed-down, crass, mass-market gawpathons offered by BBC Three.
A glimpse at the report outlines how this could work in practice by suggesting what a typical evening's viewing on BBC Throur, or BBC 3 And A Half, could look like.
BBC THROUR OR BBC 3 AND A HALF
Typical Evening lineup (Note from BBC management: after two weeks of intensive research involving a team of four people, Wednesday was found to be the most typical day.)
The Secret Life of Airports (And The Celebrities Who've Flown Through Them)
Hastily re-edited version of the classic three part history of air travel, clunkily re-cut with voxpops from The Saturdays and Joey Essex, each of whom have to be repeatedly told by the interviewer that London actually has more than one airport.
Baron Haussman's Hairdressers On T'High Street
Time-travel soap. The leading French architect and civic planner of the 1800s finds himself back from the dead and more confusingly still, in Burnley, Lancashire, in 2011. Despite barely being able to make himself understood by the townsfolk Baron Haussmann inexplicably decides the only thing to do is to open a hairdressers.
The Genius Of Botticelli
Presented by Jenny Frost and POD.
Snog Marry Avoid
Presented by Andrew Graham-Dixon. This week's episode comes live from the nave of Ely Cathedral.
Noirish Icelandic crime drama. In Icelandic, shown without subtitles. Detective Inspector Hoppipolla has to solve a murder involving elves, rotten shark meat and Yoko Ono (Includes Lee Nelson's Well Good Show, transmitted in three ten minute segments during the film at 9.40pm, 10.10pm and 10.35pm).
Live from The Fox pub on Kingsland Road, East London. Kirsty Wark delicately puffs on a crack pipe while three invited guests from the world of culture debate the big topics of the week in the arts, plus the latest theatre and gallery openings. While pissed. Martha Kearney gets the beers and roast chicken crisps in.
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