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Excerpts From the Diary of a Pretentious 10 Year Old

18/08/2014 12:30 BST | Updated 18/10/2014 10:59 BST

April 9th

I scraped my knee this afternoon playing Bolshevik Revolution with Tim. He shoved me from behind and when I cried foul he claimed that the divine right of kings empowered him to do so. But everyone knows the divine right of kings was a Western European doctrinal fallacy and that the Tzars instead ruled as the best among men, similar to a Caesar. So I threw sand in his face and ran away.

October 12th

Had football practice today. Coach Wilson said that I need to be more of a team player but all he means is I should pass to Jacob more. Jacob never needs to be more of a team player because Jacob scores goals. It's so unfair. It's like Coach Wilson has never read Rousseau's Stag Hunt allegory. The stag in this case being our entire team's development. But instead of seeing the bigger picture, he keeps chasing the selfish hare i.e. stupid Jacob's stupid golden leg and his big stupid dumb face. I'd quit but Dad said if I do then I can't go to Legoland next week.

November 14th

Tomorrow is my 11th birthday and I'm excited but nervous. It's the real years now. I'm not a child anymore, I'm nearly a teenager. It's time to start taking life seriously. I'll have to call the bank about getting a mortgage on my treehouse. Maybe add a wing next fall. Suzie and I are growing apart. We used to spend the days playing in the mud pretending to be monsters, but now she's afraid of dirt and I crave nothing but adventure. I noticed her playing king and queen with Tim earlier. It made me sad. Though her presence tethered me to this earthly coil I must admit to myself and to the world that they do make a better match. I'll always remember that afternoon we spent watching Dragonball Z. But I fear that I will not allow it to pass with the grace that I yearn to possess for to quote a woman wiser than I:

"My tongue will tell the anger of my heart

Or else my heart, concealing it, will break."

But tomorrow is another day. Another year. Another decade. And in its face, I will raise my chin, I will raise my glass of apple juice and I will forever remain Terrence.

(Printed without getting, or even asking for permission.)