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Picking A Team Of Footballing Heavyweights Who Could Make Up a Potential Donald Trump Cabinet

09/11/2016 16:39

16. Vice-President: John Terry

Captain. Leader. Legend (etc.)

Donald Trump hasn't shied away from associating himself with successful sporting leaders with a history of questionable morals - bragging on Tuesday that New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady called him to tell him that he'd voted in his favour.

If he were to pick a running mate from the world of football, surely he'd pick from similar stock.

15. Secretary of State: Jamie Vardy

If there's one man who's had close to Trump's share of experience in dealing with accusations of...shall we say 'racial insensitivity', it's probably Jamie Vardy.

With the US Secretary of State dealing with a hefty amount of the country's foreign policy, Vardy's deep thinking in this area could make him the perfect ally for the president elect.

All that being said - he's proved this year that he's not great in Europe.

14. Secretary of the Treasury: Cristiano Ronaldo

Lads, Cristiano Ronaldo has so much money. SO much money. The most money. You won't even believe how much money.

13. Secretary of Defence: Giuseppe Bellusci

The perfect man to head up Trump's defence unit - Leeds fans will remember Giuseppe Bellusci as an absolute nightmare of a defender who made catastrophic cock-ups more often than he made himself breakfast.

Also, the Cameron Jerome thing.

12. Attorney General: Neymar

Taxes? Neymar's heard of those, as an abstract concept.

11. Secretary of Agriculture: Charlie Adam

Most footballers have at least a rudimentary knowledge of grass - the game isn't played on paper, after all - but the Stoke City man probably embodies the Trump spirit of argriculturality (definitely a word, don't look it up and check) better than almost any other.

10. Secretary of the Interior: JOKER SPOT

This literally doesn't matter. Give it to anyone.

9. Secretary of Commerce: Jorge Mendes

You might not be a fan of Jorge Mendes. You might not even like him. Maybe you think he and his shadow-y agent ilk should be cast out of football for good, never to return.

Maybe...hang on, there was meant to be a point there.

8. Secretary of Labor: Felix Magath

The US' Secretary of Labor (yes, 'labor', they're a horrible country who can't spell but ANYWAY) is all about the workplace - and Felix Magath knows hard workers.

The man whose own players used to call him Saddam would whip the country back into shape. Or, at the very least, just whip it. Until it bleeds and cries. Then he'll put some cheese on it.

7. Secretary of Health and Human Services: Danny Ings

Sorry!

6. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Raheem Sterling

Who better to head up a housing sector than the footballer who makes the news for his real estate purchases more than most others combined?

Raheem 'bought a house with nice taps for his mum and the Sun spunked everywhere' Sterling, step forward.

5. Secretary of Transportation: Steve Claridge

Now a pundit and coach of Salisbury FC, Steve Claridge used to play for a few football clubs. Well, quite a lot of football clubs.

Almost certainly the best-travelled player in English football, Claridge moved clubs 25 times in his career - not even including loan deals. If there's a man with more knowledge of transport systems, they've hidden pretty well.

He was banned from driving for 12 months back in 2008 though. So, there's that.

4. Secretary of Energy: N'Golo Kante

...He runs a lot, see?

3. Secretary of Education: Joey Barton

In the absence of a real, well-known brainbox like Clarke Carlisle in the game at the moment, it's left to the pseudo-​intellect of Joey Barton to pick up the pieces and deal with education.

Yes, the youth of the future will be well-provided for...if all they need are misappropriated quotes and circular arguments from a bloke who thinks he's much smarter than he is. On the other hand - it's not like things can get that much worse.

2. Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Francesco Totti

Francesco 'Italian teams have too many foreign players' Totti might not be that kind of veteran, but he's still playing at 40 and fits the thematic bill. Bring him in!

1. Secretary of Homeland Security: Luis Suarez

In an age where military technology is getting increasingly high-tech, America's best line of defence may be in attack - baring their teeth at any country daring to challenge them.

Teeth? Geddit?

Also, racism.

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