Being cultured isn't easy. You have to go to things, absorb those things, tell people about the things you absorbed and pretend they have enriched your life in some way and then answer questions when people start asking you stuff.
So, if you haven't made it to a cinema in a while, or aren't up to scratch on the latest drama series on TV, here's a few tips to help you out.
1) WEAR A CARDIGAN
No-one ever doubted the opinions of someone in a cardigan. The cardigan knows things, the cardigan sees things, bottom line: people will assume you are cultured if you're wearing a cardigan. For added effect, try walking around an art gallery and adjusting the sleeves every so often. Result.
2) DRINK ICED COFFEE AT ALL TIMES
You're not still drinking coffee hot like a loser are you? All us cultured people of the world know full well that coffee, that drink that has been famously enjoyed hot for hundreds of years is actually much better when mushed into a little plastic cup with some ice cubes and whipped cream. Sure it'll cost you £3.50 but no-one said being cultured was cheap.
3) WATCH FRENCH FILMS WITH FRIENDS WITHOUT SUBTITLES
Anyone can watch a world cinema film with the subtitles on and "get it", but it takes a really cultured person to go commando. After about ten minutes, your friend will ask to put the subtitles on because they don't know what's going on, at which point you take the remote off them, say "it's ok, we'll watch something you understand", and put on Despicable Me 2. Then start tutting every 10 minutes.
4) ONLY EAT SEEDS
Only drink iced coffee and only eat seeds? But won't I just be shitting water for the rest of my life? Yes, but what a cool talking point at parties, you'll be the quirky cultured guy who started the caffeine and seed diet before everyone else. In fact, if you can just whack a bag of quinoa into your Starbucks, that'd save you valuable time. Time you could be reading an article on whether pubes are in or not at the moment.
5) TAKE ADVICE FROM LISTS
Lists on the internet are a very useful way of orchestrating your new cultured way of life. It doesn't really matter who has written the list, numbers followed by wisdom are a good indication that the writer knows what they are talking about.
6) REFERENCE EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING IN A FILM
If you're watching a film (no doubt a French without the subtitles you legend) make sure you inform the person your with where you recognise the other actors from. Retaining information for more than 90 minutes can cause face tumours so it's important to release the culture and keep your less knowledgable friends in the know.
7) SAY "MHMM" A LOT
Noises of appreciation are particularly important in galleries and museums when you really have no idea what sort of emotion you should be feeling. "Mhmm" is an ancient tribal word meaning "Yes" and shows your understand what you are looking at.
8) "I PREFERRED HIM IN"
If you're with a friend and you've just seen a play or a film and they say how much they love the work of an actor you've never heard of, don't panic, just say "Yes me too, but I much preferred him in "This Soup Needs More Salt". If there's anything cultured people hate, it's being out cultured, even if you have just made up the title of a non existent film. They will be annoyed but ultimately respect you in the long term.
9) ONLY REFER TO YOUR FRIENDS BY THEIR FIRST INITIAL
This won't necessarily make you more cultured, but it will sure as hell make you sound like a rapper, and music is culture, so, get on board. This can be very confusing, someone would even go so far as to say annoying, but hey, you don't become cultured by being popular.
10) SHARE. EVERYTHING.
Culture is all about the shared experience, culture is people, culture is art. Culture is finding out how your beans on toast look under the X-Pro II filter on Instagram and then showing the world, after cropping it, changing the filter, then, actually, changing it back to how it was the first time. Culture is in you and as the late great Take That once said, let it shine.
Follow Chris Mayo on Twitter: www.twitter.com/chris_mayo