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How to Make Eton Mess the Right Way

14/05/2015 17:38 BST | Updated 14/05/2016 10:59 BST

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This is a dessert that I started eating on 8 May, and will continue to stuff my face with every day for the next five years. Whether you're ordering it at a restaurant or making it for a dinner party, It's such an indulgent, quick and simple recipe that can be whipped up and ready to eat before you realise your human rights have disappeared.

Ingredients:

Strawberries (the more sour the better)

Cream (the extra thick, artery clogging kind)

Meringue (shop bought (Waitrose, obviously) or make your own - save the yolks, you'll need them when the yolk tax kicks in)

Sugar (the unrefined kind that your guests can crunch on)

Pointless mint leaf (serves no real purpose but to distract from the dessert itself)

Method:

Leave strawberries to macerate in their own wealthy juices, the sourness of some will work well with the blandness of others.

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Whip up some full fat empty promises until you get a creamy but tasteless consistency.

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Smash and crumble in an already precarious welfare state until it is nothing but dust.

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Then just mix everything in together and have fun making a right old mess. If you spill some cream on the floor and someone ends up slipping on it and cracking their head open, then that's just part of the fun.

It's as easy as that - what you're left with is a dessert you didn't actually order, but are forced to eat nonetheless until you feel sick and subsequently left with the extortionate bill.

All illustrations copyright blogger's own