THE BLOG

The greyPAD

11/03/2016 17:06 GMT | Updated 10/03/2017 10:12 GMT

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After the success of the anxPAD in December 2014, Apple unveiled their new product, the hotly anticipated greyPAD, just in time for the January blues earlier this year. Having been an avid user of the anxPAD, which kept me awake at night with its worry narration feature, I found myself inclined to purchase the next model for the price of £699 (which is actually very reasonable considering all the features that come with it).

The greyPAD comes in five different shades of grey, and after about an hour deliberating what colour to get at the Apple store, I finally decided on grey. After getting it home and switching it on, I felt compelled to just stay there and explore its various features - and I must admit that it was rather engrossing, for I hadn't really moved for about three days.

I was just about to do the washing up when luckily the greyPAD's biscuit alarm feature reminded me to have a biscuit instead. Even if you're not hungry, Siri gently encourages you to shove more Rich Teas into your mouth, helping you to focus on important tasks such as endlessly scrolling through your news feed on Facebook and Twitter. The good thing about this feature is that the biscuits leave a coating on your tongue which makes it difficult to speak, so you can avoid situations where you have to talk to people.

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Taking my greyPAD out for the first time was an exciting occasion as it comes with its own set of headphones which has its own particular features. Firstly, the actual headphone jack is only compatible with the official greyPAD headphones, which is cool because it makes it seem really special and exclusive, like a relationship with a jealous lover. These headphones are quite special indeed - what they do is block out any positive thoughts that happen to be floating around, allowing you to focus on the negativity without being disturbed. There are rumours that the soon to be released greyPAD 6s will come with headphones that actually convert compliments into negative thoughts that are repeated back to you by Siri, which is definitely something to be excited about.

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The great thing about the greyPAD is that it's adapted for the outdoors as well as the confines of one's dark bedroom. It comes with a special head attachment which allows you to place the greyPAD in front of your face like a window, and what this does is put a grey sheen over everything - even things that you might have previously found enjoyable or exciting. The feeling of numbness you get actually lasts quite a long time without the need to charge the battery, so you can walk around feeling nonplussed about everything for pretty much the whole day.

For those social situations where you find that everyone is in conversation apart from you, the greyPAD has a nifty little app that's pre-downloaded to help you deal. The Alienation app is brilliant - it comes with fun mini-games and activities that help you increase your ennui levels. A particular favourite is the one where you have to hit the various coloured squares, which, to an observer, makes it look like you're writing an important message or document.

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I haven't been using my greyPAD that much recently. I keep it in a drawer and take it out every now and then to have a little play on the Alienation app, but I'm aiming to stop using it altogether. I know that I probably won't be able to get rid of the greyPAD, but I will get some better biscuits for when I use it next - like Hobnobs or something.

All illustrations copyright blogger's own