The life of a social media guru, like me, isn't as easy as it may sometimes seem.
OK, to the untrained eye, it may appear that all we need do is put up a post about, oh, I don't know... baked beans, every now and then, and our followers will lap it up, maintaining our status as internet superstars.
If only that were true.
It takes a little more than access to a few hot Instagram filters and sick buzzwords (that the young people love) to be an international social media sensation.
Here's my foolproof guide to being a smash-hit on Facechat, Snapbook and the like...
1* Be REAL. Followers love 'reality', especially when it doesn't look like real life. Remember to drop into your posts some references to how 'real' you are.
If you can fake being real, you're onto a winner.
2* Don't be TOO REAL. Whatever REAL thing you're doing, dial it back a bit. Reality is like Coldplay, a little is OK sometimes, but it's easy to drift into too much and suddenly you find yourself rocking in a corner waiting for it all to stop.
3* Be FAMOUS. If you possibly can, try to be famous. This will really help you on social media. If it's possible to be a Kardashian, that's a real advantage. Why not try to act a little more like a Kardashian? A good way to start is looking unimpressed at everything and using the vocabulary of a four-year-old.
4* Act FAMOUS. Try to tweet about how hard life is for you, now that you're famous, even if you're not. Wear dark glasses whenever you can and stick your bum out at photographers.
5* Get into HACKS. Hacks are the lifeblood of the social media star. Any way of making life easier is a great bit of info to pass onto your followers. But make your hacks aspirational. If you're going to give out a hack about getting the last bit of ketchup from a bottle, talk about Waitrose sauce, not Tesco value.
Remember, you're living the dream.
6* LIVE THE DREAM. Make your life look at least 30% better than it actually is. Perhaps get a more photogenic friend to stand in for an ugly family member in any snaps you take? Tell your followers that you work for the UN, rather than Pound-stretcher. Remember, even if make up a few untruths about hanging out with Kofi Annan - keep it real. Maybe blog that you were accidentally wearing last season's lip shade - TOTES AWKS!
7* Get into CRAFTS. Ruining a perfectly decent pair of trainers with a hot glue gun and a selection of shiny objects will really endear you to your followers. Try to ruin at least one item this way every week. Followers need a regular inoculation of crafts to remind them that they hate that type of thing - you'll get loads of re-tweets for pictures of any crafty tat like that.
8* Are you FAMOUS yet? Have you actually been trying to get famous? Perhaps write a blog where you pretend to know famous people - Elton John suggested I do this and it worked really well for me.
9* Give ADVICE. A sure way of increasing your standing in the online community is giving advice to others - especially in areas where you're completely unqualified. Perhaps write a list or 'method' to becoming a social media star?
10* Quick hints to achieving social media success:
a) Be beautiful. Talk about it - but be real.
b) Be ugly. Talk about it - don't be too real.
c) Have a bad hair day - make sure it looks like everyone else's good hair day.
d) Women perfect your 'no makeup' look - make sure this includes lots of makeup.
e) Dads create laugh-free sub-Jackass videos showing how you're 'winning' at parenting. Make your tired wife the butt of the joke.
f) Drop unsubtle product placement into your blogs. Make it aspirational - like a guide to potty training in association with Habitat or John Lewis bridal.
g) Become intolerant. Gluten is a good start, but there are other many options! Why not blog about being intolerant to pies? Make sure they're aspirational pies though!
That was my guide to winning on social media. I'm sure it's changed your life.
If it hasn't, why not blog about it?
The Out of Depth Dad.