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Rookie Parenting Mistakes

13/02/2015 17:44 GMT | Updated 15/04/2015 10:59 BST

You know those perfect parents, the one's that get everything right, and their children are little angels? No? Me neither. Show me a parent who hasn't made any mistakes and I'll show you some pants on fire. It makes no difference whether they are pretty french knickers, Bridget Jones Granny Pants, or David Beckham briefs. There's a blazing inferno right there.

Here are my tales from the front line. The rookie mistakes I made in my first five years of parenting. Of course, I only made them with my first son because when the second came along I knew exactly what I was doing. Can you smell smoke?!

1 Never leave the house without a change bag

It doesn't matter if it's a quick trip. You are leaving yourself wide open to:

  1. A projectile vomiting incident that could mean you end up driving home in your bra
  2. A nappy leak that could mean you end up driving home in your bra and the baby wrapped in nothing but a blanket.
  3. Getting stuck in a lift with no snacks for your toddler. (I think I would rather drive home in my bra)

None of these ever happened to me. I would never be stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. Cough. Cough.

2 Never boast about your baby sleeping through

The moment you do you will be up all night with a baby that wants to do anything but sleep for three nights in a row.

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3 Never follow through on your threats

Ok maybe you should, but think about the threats. Because once you have taken their favourite toys and banned the television you're on your own!

4 Never buy a years supply of their favourite snack

You may feel smug that their chosen snack is healthy. You may feel smug that it was on offer and you got a bargain. But the moment you get those snacks home your toddler will declare that they don't like them anymore.

5 Never assume that your little one can't take the lid of the Sudocrem

They can. That stuff doesn't come off. The same can also be said for humous, Weetabix and cheap face paints.

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6 Never ever go on holiday and forget 'bear'

What kind of parent goes away and forgets their child's night-time buddy? The one they can't sleep without. No good will come of it.

  1. There will be tears (theirs and yours). Every night. For the whole holiday.
  2. There is an increased risk of your child needing therapy for the rest of their life.
  3. You will excluded from any Parent of the Year prizes for life.

7 Never forget to turn a toy off at night

When it starts singing at you through the monitor in the middle of the night, the fright will shorten your life expectancy and cause a slight irrational fear of said toy from that day on. It's watching you!

8 Never tell a four-year old they are going to a friend's house until it's time to go

Especially when it's an afternoon play date. Never has their been more cause for the phrase broken record.

"Is it time to go yet?"

"Is it time to go yet?"

"Is it time to go yet?"

"Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" "Is it time to go yet?" AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9 Never leave your nipple exposed

One minute you are enjoying an early morning cuddle in bed with your baby. The next they are clambering around on you like you are a human climbing frame, and using anything they see fit to pull themselves up. Anything.

10 Never take your three-year old to the dentist with you

Especially when you are having a filling. Can you do all three of these at the same time? Whilst in the dentist's chair.

  1. Show no fear of dentist and his evil needle and convey no sign of pain whatsoever.
  2. Tell your child to sit still and not drink the pink water whilst you have your mouth clamped open.
  3. Sooth your crying child (and when I say crying, I mean hysterical) when they don't like the sound of the drill.

I could go on forever. Did anyone get that manual on raising kids? It might make my life a bit easier!

I'll leave you with one final tip: Never tickle a potty training child.

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