A pregnant woman walks in to a coffee shop and a 'non pregnant' one leaves...
On 12 June this year I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete surprise. A lovely one at that as I've been told for years that getting pregnant would not be easy for me due to having PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome).
The list of symptoms is considerable and each woman experiences differing variations and levels of severity. I've written about PCOS before. You can read about it here
On 7 July I found out there was no heartbeat. They call it a missed miscarriage, as you don't know anything is wrong. By that I mean as far as you are aware things are progressing, as they should. Sadly not.
On 13 July I went into hospital for a surgical procedure.
Heartbreak is a word used by many, and I do believe there are different types of heartbreak, but for me this is the worst kind of pain I've ever experienced. The sense of loss is overwhelming even though I was only 9 weeks pregnant when it all fell apart. I don't think it matters how far along you are when something like this happens. Loss is loss, and with it comes a whole cacophony of emotions.
I have blamed myself for not being 'healthy enough', for not losing enough weight before I became pregnant, for lifting heavy items, for having a glass of wine (before I found out). The list is endless.
I have cried, a lot. I have pretended I am fine. I have refused to talk about it. I have wondered 'what if' a thousand times. I have worried about everyone else; what their reaction would be, would they also blame me, would they be uncomfortable if I told them. None of that actually matters though.
Today is 25 August. I still feel unbelievable pain over what happened. Adverts with babies in make me cry, which may sound crazy, but they are tears for what I have lost.
Facebook announcements of friends who are pregnant are hard to read; yet I am genuinely happy for them. I just want it to be my announcement. People tell you 'your time will come'. What if it already did and that was it? No one can predict the future, but at the same time I can't give up hope.
Being told at the age of 18 you may never have children is tough. Getting pregnant at 32 is a miracle. Finding out you will never meet that baby is unbearable.
Who knows what will happen next. For now I am working on dealing with my grief and hoping that one day I will get my own special delivery.
Has reading this article made you uncomfortable? I hope not as that it certainly not my intention. However there needs to be more discussion regarding miscarriage.
The national statistics state that one in three women miscarry.
That is a terrifying amount, yet there is almost no media coverage out there.
There have been two recent stories about celebrity couples (Mark Zuckerberg & wife, and Harry Judd & wife Izzy) who have suffered miscarriages, and I thank them for their honesty. Thankfully both couples are now expecting a baby, and I wish them all the best with their pregnancies.
*There is a national organisation who offer advice & guidance for anyone suffering miscarraige, or who has been affected: http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk