Finally! A politician who speaks my language! Who understands my needs! Finally, if all goes to plan, next summer I can marry my mum! Thank you, Lord Tebbit. People said - 'you're gay? I presume you'll be wed to your mother then?' To which I replied, 'you betcha! After all, lesbianism is just another word for tax-avoiding incest, isn't it?!' Continue reading...
And yes. It has emerged. The nice weather that occurred over the May Day bank holiday was actually a PR stunt, orchestrated by 'James Chef' - a new branch of holiday makers. I went to their head offices in Southend to find some answers. Continue reading...
After about ten years of waking up every morning - thats 3,650 times - wishing I could go to Prague and wander through narrow cobbled streets, staring up at dolls houses the size of mansions, and pay 50p for a pint of vodka.. I actually went last week. I can now tick that off my bucket list. Continue reading...
Such is the tedium served up these days, making stark the realisation that the bile and satire of 30 years ago has vanished. Watching such inchoate comedy (I'm not sure it's even stand-up) is like having your leg humped by a glove puppet: it's attention grabbing but without the necessary aggression which is key to the best comedy. Continue reading...
The former MP for Chingford did not always feel this way. When Latifah signed with Tommy Boy Records in 1989, he was initially impressed. During a late lunch at Chequers, he was overheard to remark of Latifah's debut album All Hail the Queen: "That bitch is legit. Her flows are off the hook. Word is bond." Continue reading...
Some people may dread that women will come on and talk about periods. I don't. I dread that the next 20 something white middle class male will come on and do some inadvisable and ill-conceived material on rape or pedophilia or something being LITERALLY the funniest thing that ever happened, when it LITERALLY is not. Continue reading...
A spokesperson for the aggressive homosexual community summarised the local disappointment: "This isn't the first time that the tories have attacked us like this. We didn't choose to be aggressive homosexuals. We were born that way. When I came out of the womb the first thing I did was wink at the handsome doctor and slap the midwife." Continue reading...
People keep giving me pity eyes. "You're very brave," they say, rubbing my shoulder, as if I'm ill. But I'm not ill. What I am, though, is terrified. Because this week I'll be making my stand-up comedy debut in front of about 300 people. Am a comedian? No. I'm a sub editor Continue reading...
Enjoy yourselves, people. There's nothing to be gained from living like this. It's not so much the booze I miss. It's the cigarettes. I'm absolutely dying for a fag. I'm cranky. I'm miserable. All I do is eat. Continue reading...
What does the budget mean to me? Me personally? It means nothing. Absolutely nothing. After looking through every different list in the media of 'what the budget means to you' I have not seen one mention of anything that actually applies to me. Nowhere does it say, 'Discounts on drunken... Continue reading...
I am so proud of The Ricky Gervais Show. Not just because of how well it turned out or how successful it was, or the awards, or even how much fun I had producing it. I'm proudest of the fact that it was just another experiment that got out of hand - The Ricky Gervais Show Series Three was released on DVD this week. To celebrate this final chapter I thought I'd tell the lovely readers of The Huffington Post the story of how we got here... Continue reading...
Who were my thighs kidding? I haven't been inside my gym's hallowed walls in... 18... no, maybe 30 months... Some gyms just do not want you to leave, as soon as you try to cancel they look you up and down with judgement in their eyes and tell you all the reasons you should stay. Continue reading...
'Legs like lead, legs like lead,' I panted, like a sort of tortured mantra, as I pounded along the footpath, ducking under branches. The dog streaked ahead, loving the wind and the gentle rain, as light on its paws as I was heavy on mine. My legs, that is. Continue reading...
As May is International Zombie Awareness Month, I offer my bloodied hand to guide you through the five things you need to know to survive a zombie apocalypse... armed only with some of Oxford University Press's finest online products and a ferocious temper. Are you ready? Let's go! Continue reading...
When I was small, smaller than I am now, I learned a wise lesson from my Godmother, who, despite being very learned and cultured, loved nothing more than watching Blind Date on a Saturday night. At first I wondered why; eventually I realised she was interested in people for people's sake. Continue reading...
Before I arrived, people kept telling me that there's this feeling you get where you're sure you've seen everything before on film at some point, because in all likelihood you have. And they weren't wrong. It's all just as big and tall, the taxis just as yellow and the bagels just as bagel-ly as in the movies. Continue reading...
What have you got after a wedding? A dress you will hopefully never wear again, a ring you'll constantly be terrified of losing, hazy memories of an argument with a friend over nothing, a colossal hangover, and a million photos and hours of boring video. Continue reading...
People often ask what happens in a typical day as head chef at my restaurant Hartnett Holder & Co, at Lime Wood, deep in the heart of the New Forst? It's impossible to answer. Take last week for example. You'll never believe what we all had to do... a music video! I'm not talking Backstreet Boys here, it wasn't quite that painful, but it was beyond hysterical. Continue reading...
There's something peculiar about the UK's relationship with Europe. It's like an arranged marriage - seems a good idea on paper (interests aligned, status consolidated, families united). But then you get to know them. And sometimes love doesn't grow like they all said it would. Continue reading...
Once consumers get over their misgivings, and recognise what a cheap and convenient meal deal this could be, I believe they'll take to it with the same appetite once displayed by our ancestors. Continue reading...
