A Two-Year-Old's Christmas Wish List

08/12/2015 17:30 GMT | Updated 08/12/2016 10:12 GMT

Dear Santa,

At the risk of being castigated to your naughty list, I have to lodge a complaint. The books and pajamas I got for Christmas last year were pedestrian and unsuitable. For your information, here is a list of things that I would really like to play with this Christmas.

1) These lovely hats

(I'd be happy with either orange or blue)

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2) A urine specimen container

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3)My very own candle with scented wax over which I may drag my fingernail

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4) We both know that I'm now old enough to play with fire

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5) All of the Christmas ornaments

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6) 100 teabags in a salad spinner

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7) Whatever my brother has at any given moment

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8) Toilet roll

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9) This thing (I believe it is called an electric socket poker)

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10) My mum's lipstick

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11) This scab on my face

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12) My own faeces (*not pictured, but I can put you in touch with the supplier)

While I have your attention, my mum mentioned something about wanting her sanity back. Deductive reasoning tells me that this is concomitant with wine.

Give Rudolph my best.

Yours Truly,

Jenna (aged two, Norwich, England)

Crystal Lowery is an American mum working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two toddlers, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on Scarymommy, For Every Mom, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she'd love for you to follow her on www.facebook.com/creepygingerkid