I don't know your dad, but I am certain he has enough socks, aftershave and innovative artisan pickles in his life already. The fact is that dads don't really want any of these gifts on Father's Day because they are functioning adults with functioning credit cards, although with dwindling funds due to you being such a drain on their finances.
So what would daddy dearest definitely like to receive after a suitably luxuriant lie in on Sunday and a gigantic cup of tea? Here's a guide to the items that even Amazon don't stock, but which would put a smile on the old man's craggy, sleep-deprived face.
1) The ability to finish a task without interruption
Once a child is born, it spells the death of any hope of seeing the end of your to-do list. Day-to-day tasks are left unfinished, electrical wires remain dangerously bared and small tribes begin to populate your front garden, mistaking the overgrown shrubs for the Amazonain rainforest. This is because as soon as tools are brandished, a little voice demands to be taken to the toilet to do a poo and because you haven't slept properly for years, your brain loses track of what it was doing.
You'll be able to spot the dads in any room - they're the ones with the half-shaven beards. It's not some new hipster look, they are simply too tired to even notice
2) To be able to make friends like you did at school
You sit for hours in the park as your children play, feeling awkward, knowing that you should be making conversation with other dads, but how do you approach them and what awkward small talk do you make? Do you look for someone with the same taste in shoes? Eye up anyone in a band t-shirt that meets with your tastes? Or do you simply stand up and shout "who wants to join my gang? No mums!". Yes, that's the one.
3) An indestructible toddler forcefield
Any time a toddler runs in your direction, it's only going one way - a solid skull crashing full pelt into your knackers. They have some kind of homing device, they're that accurate. Then there's the constant whining for snacks, the blows to the head from rough play, the tantrums and the discarded Lego that stings your foot worse than any bear trap. Probably.
If you could put together a suit that includes a rudimentary cricket box-type affair, one of those pillows with a speaker inside to drown out the sound and soften the strikes to the noggin, a utility belt with bubbles and shaky stuff and a pair of steel toe capped Dr Martens, you might be getting close to the parenting equivalent of the hazmat suit.
4) Sleep. Uninterrupted sleep.
Let him kip. He needs it, by goodness he needs it. However, children have a way of discovering sleeping parents and take great joy in waking them. Funny, they don't enjoy being woken themselves though - double standards. Placing everything in the house that isn't nailed down behind the door separating child and slumbering adult might keep them at bay, but not for long - they will always find a way.
5) An answer to the question "why?"
As soon as children learn to speak, they latch on to the word "why". You can answer their query once or twice, but each answer is met with another "why" and, within mere seconds you are using the phrase "thermodynamics" before being met with a look of bewilderment on the toddler's face and, predictably, another "why?" There must be a formula to work out the definitive answer. Stephen Hawking probably knows it, but he's not telling us so we buy his next book. The cunning genius.
If you want to see these flights of fancy brought to life, take a look at this handy video
Alternatively, if you do have a few quid to spend and are short of slightly more sensible gift ideas, then have a look at this ultimate guide for Dapper Dads.
If you like this sort of thing, then check out the most excellent Bewildered Dad Youtube Channel
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