THE BLOG

The Only Way is Essex - Week One

28/02/2014 12:46 GMT | Updated 29/04/2014 10:59 BST

Ten series ago, a group of bright-eyed, vajazzled-tailed Essex elites propelled themselves into 'Closer' magazine fame as they went about their hopelessly dramatic, yet poorly enunciated, lives with camera crew and story producers in tow. Back and now classier than ever, we are kindly reminded that what we are about to see might have been 'blinged' up for our entertainment. "Blinged up?!" I hear you cry, "But what possible diamante-encrusted scandal and mischief could have possibly unfolded this week? Did Dan make a (don't say splash, don't say splash) ...impact...in...a swimming pool? Did Bobby get more botox to minimise the 'fanny on his forehead'?" Well, NO and NO. But here are the most important things that we did learn from the very first week back in Brentwood.

An unborn baby will always get more air-time than Jasmin

Jelly squelched onto the growing bump of nervous Billie Faiers as she sat back in the padded white chair. The father Greg, who we had only just laid eyes upon, gazed adoringly at his glowing fiancée, tenderly kissing her cheek before sitting back to admire the sight in front of his tear-soaked eyes. 'Do you want to know the sex of the baby?' the nurse asked tentatively. Billie looked at Greg. Greg looked at Billie. Both looked back at the nurse. ER no, that's all to be revealed later on in the episode, do you not watch reality TV!?

Gemma and Arg are on a get-fit mission (again)

Arge and his protruding tum are set on joining the 'we don't wear t-shirts in the gym' club. whereas Gemma is gunning for the 'let's wear a pink furry cape every time we exercise' membership, and by jove, she just might get it. The pair, who may or may not have had sex in a bush once upon a time, are working up a sweat, just like last series, ready to shift some pounds in a bid to show everyone just what they're missing, like in the last series. Thankfully, Elliot Wright has found a purpose for being on the show (apart from being in the all powerful Wright family) and is power-walking Gemma around Brentwood as she adds yet more pink garments to her workout gear.

New girl Grace is caught between a rose and a hard place

Grace 'do you have this in an extra small?' Adams has caught the eye of not only our favourite grease-bomb Mario, but his less-greasy counterpart Lewis Bloor, aka. The little rose fairy that creeps around Grace's car when she's not looking to place roses on the bonnet. Nothing says romance like 'I've been waiting for you to pull up to your house allllll night'. But Grace has a problem. She thinks Mario is a nice boy, "but...his reputation!" she exclaims to BFF Georgia in the car after pouting profusely into the rear-view mirror. Poor Mario, he only cheated on "one girl, a few times". Lewis on the other hand has the benefit of some kind of Interflora membership, and a girl would just be stupid to let a good florist out of her sight. Unsurprisingly, Grace opts for bad-boy Mario and his bad-boy rep.

Washing an old woman's hair can get you into a lot of trouble

Especially if your name is Bobby and your friend is the painfully loyal Gemma Collins. "I've not slept with her fella, I've not credit card frauded her,'" he exclaimed. "I've gone and blow dried an old girl's hair Pat." Nanny Pat nodded in solidarity whilst secretly dreaming of her favourite sausage plait recipe. Luckily the pair agreed to settle their differences and move their friendship forward. After all, Gemma's feet won't rub themselves.

Ferne lies. Ferne lies a lot.

I knew this girl called Ferne once; she lied, she lied. Charlie found out she cheated; she cried, she cried! Then she cried some more. Despite making us all believe that she was over her cheating ex and spending the majority of her time scantily-clad in lacy lingerie, it was Ferne that was outed as the cheat this time after allegedly having her way with the ever-mysterious Frank Major whilst also having make-up sex with Charlie. 'What a naughty girl' Charlie smirked to the camera as all appeared to be forgotten about his past exploits. Fortunately we had the sudden appearance of a blonde-bearded F.Major to distract us from ever having a heart.

James 'Diags' has a new female flatmate

They throw laundry at each other like it's the funniest thing in the world. It's not.

And finally, so and so, and so and so, are still together

Otherwise known as James 'Lockie' Lock and Danielle. It appears that the producers of TOWIE are still trying to make Lockie work. Stop trying to make Lockie work. But what is this? There has been some rather suspicious TWEETS floating about you say? Do tell Danielle, tell all!

Until next time....