Yesterday I was poorly. I had to call my mUm to come and meet me from nursery so that I could go to bed and she could look after baby M. But as I lay in bed aching and shivery, all I could think was that it was Friday night, I'd worked all week and now I was missing my precious hours with M before her bedtime. I couldn't bear it, I mean really, I couldn't bear to miss my time with her, so I dragged myself downstairs onto the sofa just to be in the same room as her. I knew I was ill and really needed my bed but just longed to be with her so much. It made me wonder if you can love your baby too much.
When I was waiting for my miracle baby, I was desperate to be a mUmmy. It was a real biological need to have a child. My friends had already started their families and being with their children and my nieces and nephews cemented my belief that I would enjoy being a mummy, but I had no idea that I'd love it this much! I literally can't get enough of my baby daughter. Even when we get home from nursery, and she's grumpy for milk, crying at me whilst I quickly change out of my work clothes, I still love every second. I think that I'm addicted to my baby girl....
Since the start of my fertility journey, I have read a lot. To begin with I read articles on anything fertility related, this moved on to all things pregnancy related and finally I graduated to all things baby related. A particular favourite is the wonder weeks. Of course because it gives such insight into what baby is experiencing but mainly because its advice at the first leap was to 'pat your baby, cuddle her, 'spoil* her with physical contact. That reassures her'. Yep, I was sold. The theme is basically, the more love you give, the better for your baby. The app (a godsend in those first months) also includes the winning paragraph '*spoiling (your baby) is only possible when your baby has been through several leaps and has reached the age of one and a half years old. For now, the more love you give, the better it is for your baby.' Now, I'm no expert, but I guess those guys are, so who am I to argue....!
Before I had a baby, I had never even heard of attachment parenting, and it certainly wasn't my intention to parent that way, but it just seems to have happened that way. Mr MBAW says I've turned into 'earth mother', but I haven't, I just really love the close bond that is developing between me and my girl. And I hope that the bond we have will see her enjoying healthy and happy relationships in the future. In some more of my (obsessive baby-based) reading I discovered how the relationships in the first 18 months in a child's life build the brain structures for lifelong relating and about how, although not in recallable memories, a child's first attachment experiences will form the templates for their future relationships (Linda Graham, the neuroscience of attachment). In other words, the security I give my child now, through love and care, will stay with her forever, in the relationships she builds with others in the future.
And so I think it's ok. I think it's ok that I really enjoy all aspects of motherhood, even the mundane. I think it's ok that baby M gets clingy and I carry her on my hip whist being ineffective at doing whatever I was trying to do. I think it's ok that I dragged myself out of my sick bed just to be with her and I think it's ok, my complete adoration and addiction to baby M. But most of all I think it's ok how much I love my baby girl. Because of course, you can't love your baby too much.
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