THE BLOG

Why Do I Fear Success So Much ?

26/06/2017 12:44 BST | Updated 26/06/2017 12:44 BST

I am an "amateur" writer who has been writing "on and off " for quite a few years, hiding the results in notebooks or on my lap top. I have poems that I dream of performing or hearing performed, and scripts that I visualise in plays on stage or on television. I see myself collecting awards.

I have been giving thought to my journey of self-sabotage and procrastination and why this is happening, so that I can move forward on my dreams. I need to work on "Me", because I will be dead for a lot longer than I am alive. We all will.

There is a voice in my head which tells me that "I can't " and gives me all the reasons why, whatever ideas I am thinking of implementing won't work. I am doing my best to ignore that voice when it speaks to me.

I am still "fearful", but I am becoming more " fearless". After all, what is the worst thing that can happen?

My journey of " fear of success " has been a lifelong one.With regards to my writing, I have looked back over a couple of years to trace my journey of self-sabotage, to include my experience of writing my first blog post for Huffington Post UK.

In 2012, I attended a series of writing and performing workshops called " Women's' Writes", which was originated by Louise and Nadeem of Loudeem Productions. I rediscovered my love of writing and had a go at performing some of my work. When the programme ended, I hid my work in my notebook.

I bumped into my friend Audreia while shopping in Birmingham in 2015, I had not seen her for a long time and felt a vibrant energy and excitement from her. She told me that she had written a book in 64 days, and that she would invite me to her book signing event, which I attended. I also went to the writers' event that inspired my friend to change her life. I joined the same book writing course that she completed, which was originated and led by Ava Eagle Brown who is an Author, Life and Business Strategist. I made a good start.

I decided that I would change the direction of my writing,and had developed a plot for my novel with an exciting storyline. I visualised and felt it.

I took my laptop to be repaired and subsequently lost my work. Was that the little voice in my head speaking to me again,telling me that I am not quite ready for success?

I did not really believe that I would be accepted into the blogging community of Huffington Post UK, but sent a draft blog just to see. They accepted me, and sent a confirmation email.

"Why would Huffington Post UK say yes to me?" I asked myself. Again that voice in my head was speaking. I read the email several times to ensure it was sent to the right person. I felt the legacy, although illogical of needing to be perfect, as a woman and as a black woman. I remember my mother telling me that I had to be " ten times as good as a white person ". This is the weight of responsibility that I have consciously and subconsciously carried. That was my mother's experience that has been inadvertently passed down to me.

I checked my blog several times for accuracy, reading it repeatedly after I had written it. Was I really scared of submitting it as once it was published, it would be read by more than the familiar circle of people. If that circle got bigger, I had to commit to writing.

Paradigms and the " stories" that affect our lives interest me. I have spent time listening to and reading the work of " thought leaders" around this subject. I am working on changing those self-limiting beliefs that I have inherited through no fault of my environment. I am rewriting my story which is a challenging, painful and humorous journey.

Success is particular to the individual. No matter how small, change lifts us out of our comfort zones into the unknown.

Many of us play down our talents and gifts for fear of being rejected by our environment. I suppose it is part of human nature to want to be liked by others, also needing to belong and be validated. We may not realise that it is in the interest of our familiar environments to keep us as we are, " trundling along " in our comfort zones.

Anyway, I took a deep breath and submitted my first blog for Huffington Post UK. I forgave myself, just in case there was a capital letter that I missed or a comma that I had put in the wrong place.

They published it.

I am good enough!