Women are strange creatures, aren't they? We're famous for bonding in to cliques and groups, but equally well known for tearing each other apart within them. Forget having a fear of snakes and spiders - The wrath of a woman is top of the list of my greatest fears. And why I suspect no one is getting in Hillary's way as she kicks ass in the American political arena.
Feminists everywhere try to encourage sisterhood; they tell us to build one another up. Inspire one another, support and encourage. But then there's that poisonous phenomenon that arises when a group of women get together (especially when a glass of wine is involved) - Gossip. Poisonous, catty, bitchy, addictive gossip.
Studies have shown gossip and giggling is actually a strong force in bonding women within societies. From the West to remote tribes found in rainforests, women seem to have an intrinsic urge to unravel each other while we're not watching. We've all caught ourselves at it... There's a sort of mania that comes over us when we're being evil about our fellow woman, but why?
There are many theories - Jealousy, insecurity, the need to impress others with our strong opinions. The belief that by tearing one woman down we somehow make ourselves better in the eyes of our peers? But if you think straight women are bad - Try hanging out with lesbians.
The assumption is that lady-loving-ladies will do just that... Be bloody nice to each other at least. But it's wishful thinking. You've heard of man-hating lesbians but, in my experience, you're more likely to encounter a woman-hating lesbian, however ironic that sounds.
I once had a group of straight female friends who would tear each other apart and I thought it couldn't get any worse. Every time one of us went to the ladies room the delicious whispers would begin - Sarah's desperation to find a man was pathetic. Don't you think Steph's debt problem was symptomatic of a serious personality disorder? And did you know Sandy has a shoplifting addiction? *gasp* what a scandal. Shall we support and help one another with our shortcomings? Why, no. Otherwise what would we have to talk about over drinks? All that whispering and cackling made me feel slightly twitchy every time I left the table, because of course I realised that I wasn't exempt.
So you can imagine my relief when I finally Came Out and expected to throw myself whole heartedly in to a new group of loving, supportive gay friends who would typify the Power Lesbian and exude maturity, success and support for each other in every ever-so-sophisticated sentence that fell from their mouths. We'd talk politics, literature and business collaborations we'd be working on together, right? Oh, how wrong I was.
Lesbians f**king hate each other. I'm serious - This may seem like us shooting ourselves in the foot, but take that in-built female urge to create rumours and drama, add in romantic trysts and triangles and you know what you've got? A whole load of hell. Starting with not knowing who to trust.
Is that new BFF of yours being nice to you because you share a love of Keira-Knightly-In-A-Corset movies? Or is it because she's in to your gay girlfriend from work? Why is your ex's friend suddenly WhatsApping you? A demonstration of sisterhood and "no hard feelings" or has she been recruited to spy on you? And when you introduced your date and your bestie and they added each other on Facebook, are they just connecting or is there some serious online flirting going on? Sadly, nine times out of 10 it's usually the latter. Women can be bloody horrible to each other. And when you add love and attraction in to the mix, the rules of Girl Code seem to go out of the window. Isn't all fair in love and war, after all?
What is wrong with all of us? It's said that the real sign of a feminist is that she builds her fellow woman up instead of tearing her down, and this couldn't be truer. When did we forget that the more time we spend putting ourselves in competition with each other, the less time we spend uniting for feminism and the progression of equality, not just for the lesbian community but women as a whole? Why are we distracting ourselves with... well... ourselves? I swear this world would already be ruled by women if we weren't so busy tearing each other down behind our backs.
So you think you'll come out and suddenly be awash in femininity and support from your new queer friends? Think again. Arm yourselves, ladies - You're about to step in to a fire pit. Because, ironically, no one hates women more than lesbians.