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Five Conspiracy Theories for the Panicky and Frustrated

27/01/2014 15:26 GMT | Updated 29/03/2014 09:59 GMT

As well as Candy Crush, nudie ladies and stalking, the internet also helps bewildering people talk authoratively about stuff they've just made up. I examine five of the internet's greatest conspiracy theories and finally attempts to answer the question that humankind has struggled with since time you can't remember. Can they be true?....No. Obviously not.

Aliens built the pyramids

Despite having the technology for intergalactic flight, aliens decided to show us that by piling large stones on top of each other you could make a big pointy building. Thanks a lot, Aliens. Where are the freaking teleporting sex-bots? In return, we showed them that if you fold your thumb into your palm and positioned your other thumb in such a way, you could make it look like you're pulling your thumb off. Well, not really.

The Seal of the Illuminati is on the dollar bill

Obviously, if you're a highly secretive world-ruling society, the one place you advertise your presence is on the most widely distributed piece of paper in the world. Some might counter that the best place to hide the truth is in the open. Presumably armed robbers would be more likely to get away with it if they stopped wearing those pesky face masks. Conducting an affair? Conceal the fact from your wife by introducing her to your lover and suggesting a timeshare system. Any World Government guff is slightly scuppered by the fact that human beings are highly disorganized and, since the invention of language, are unable to keep secrets.

9-11 was an inside job

The link between Al Qaeda and the invasion of Iraq was entirely flimsy. So much so that British Intelligence had to make up a report that they were a nuclear threat. So, if you're going to demolish two skyscrapers in controlled explosions (throwing in a couple of planes for fun) and orchestrate the murder of your own citizens to justify a foreign invasion, why not come up with a better ruse? Why not get a man who looks like Saddam Hussein to burst into the WWE arena during The Royal Rumble and sneakily hit The Rock with a chair, thus ensuring victory to Vince McMahon? That would have been a far better pretext. This rather overlooks the more obvious point that no world power has ever really needed a Casus Belli to do anything. Incidentally, Casus Belli means 'just cause' - as in "just 'cause I feel like it."

Aliens keep visiting us

In a recent story, a Mexican politician has announced that Mayan depictions of aliens prove that we've been visited many times by them and that, though he's never seen one, apparently they pop in for coffee and a catch up once in a while. Rather handily, these aliens are exactly the same grey, humanoid shape as those featured in B-movies, faked Roswell footage and in that Indiana Jones film which was really shit. By the way, you can see these inscriptions if you travel to Mexico. You'll need to get yourself into a hotel and change your money, ensuring to buy as many alien-based souvenirs as possible. Fortunately, the guy making these claims is Mexico's Minister for Tourism. Handy.

The Reptilian Elite

Do you know all the people in charge and that? Well, they're reptiles. That's right. Shape shifting reptiles. That's why they only have international meetings in hot climates next to pet shops. Got it from a good source. My mate down the pub. Do you know Dave? No, he doesn't get to see the kids very often. His ex is a cold-blooded bitch too, apparently.