THE BLOG

When Do You Know You Should Probably Most Definitely Break Up?

14/11/2014 11:28 GMT | Updated 13/01/2015 10:59 GMT

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Sometimes you're looking at your partner's face wondering what to do about the whole situation. But how do you know exactly when it should end?

Well first, there must be a reason why you're asking yourself this question. If you've never seen a future with marriage, babies and buying a sensible toaster then end it and find someone who you want to do an Argos shop with. If you're unsure, or you've hit a rough patch in your relationship it can be harder to figure the ending bit out. And do you rip the painful BIKINI WAX strip off now to avoid the lesbian drama that you'll inevitably hit further down the line?

There will always be signs things are going wrong. Lack of talking is a big one. Communication is there for a reason and you need to be able to come home after a long day at the cheesecake shop and tell your girl all about the amazing cheesecake that you served and ate . And equally you need to be asking her about her job as a carpet designer or clown babysitter or whatever she does. When you're meant to be together, you want to hear about each other's lives whether they bore you not. And you'll talk about important things like how you're feeling, what your hopes and dreams are and how many jaffa cakes you can fit into your mouth in one go.

If you prefer spending time with your friends, going shopping with them, drinking vats of vodka tequila celery cocktails with them and generally have more fun than you ever do with the your partner, then this has to be addressed. Is it that with your girl you're stuck doing only things that she likes doing or you get swamped down in the daily activities of paying the bills and feeding the pet baby giraffes, or is that you're bored of her company. And if you don't care when she arrives home with lipstick across her chest and Sambuca in her hair, then chances are it's the company.

You'll find that more things annoy you too. The little things that used to endear you like when she organises her knickers by pattern or sings the wrong words to every Justin Timberlake song (crab in the river) now just annoy the absolute crap out of you. You'll also probably pick fights over really stupid things. 'What do you mean you don't know if we have any butter? And why isn't the duvet on the bed at a 49 degree angle like we agreed ?! Why are you calling me pumpkin you BITCH are you saying I'm fat and orange it's ginger hair I can't do anything about it dicktard.

When your girlfriend asks if you would like to go away together the weekend after next to somewhere nice like a spa or a caravan in Cornwall, you immediately come up with excuses. That you just can't get the time off WORK but maybe in a month or so, that you promised you'd help your mother plumb in her new bathroom, that you're allergic to caravans. Any sort of future plans freak you out because you don't want to spend copious amount of time with her.

Some of these things are just normal routine relationship feelings. But when you can feel yourself squelching down all those feelings consistently, or if you're finding yourself having internal arguments with yourself and justifying the reasons you should stay with her, you really need to consider what you will do next. Try and talk to her and see how she's feeling too and it might be a mutual split, or you might really work on a future together and end up in Argos buying that toaster with some cats on the way.

Lastly, my rule would normally be, if you've forgotten the last time you had sex, send a singing gram to end the relationship and find a unicorn on rainbow to play with for a while.