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An Open Letter to a Typical Bloke

09/05/2013 11:45 BST | Updated 08/07/2013 10:12 BST
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FAO Typical Bloke,

I am fresh from accidentally reading your post, 'Why Good Girls Have Become As Extinct As Unicorns' on fashxfash. I have a few points of consideration for you.

Firstly, 'bad girls' get detention at school. The people you're talking about in this instance are consenting adults, so it's more appropriate if you stop trying to patronise us and refer to us as women. It's also probably best to make that distinction before you tell us that you and your pals joke that your future wives are 'currently in Kindergarten'. (You guys must be, like, so totally hilarious. LOL jk you sound like total creeps.)

Equating premarital sex or polyamory with being 'bad' is at best an idiotic mistake, at worst shows deep prejudice towards the life choices of others, and either way, shouldn't win you any fans. Nor should questioning a woman's ability to govern her body, to consent to sex, or to offer something more to a man than 'staying hot forever.'

You say 'women have become independent, which is a great feat.' Know what? After years of suffrage, sticking two fingers up to the patriarchy - which, by the way, you epitomise - securing our right to the vote, to the pill, to work, divorce and abortion, women's independence is a great feat. I'm guessing you're not taking that into consideration though. In fact, I'm 99% sure you're wondering why anyone would ever get up off their arse and fight for independence when they have tits at their disposal 24 hours a day.

Then you continue, claiming that the downside to female emancipation is that 'these women have completely lost all respect for themselves, and their morals along the way,' juxtaposing this with photographs of a professional model bending over a swish car in a pair of french knickers. Who buys the magazines, Typical Bloke? You claim that we 'dress like retards' and 'get naked on Instagram', but it's you, and all the other typical blokes, who pay £3.99 for a copy of FHM, and that model who earns more than you do in a year. Is she a 'slut', like you call all women who've had sex before marriage? Or is she savvy? And, to use your crude terminology, who is the 'retard' in this situation?

In the one moment that you're close to taking some responsibility for the contemporary male's role in the hyper sexualisation of women, you brush it off and say it's because you're 'idiots.' What, all of you? I mean, I fully believe that you, Typical Bloke, are an idiot. One of the reasons I know this is because your argument flops like I imagine your penis does under pressure. But it isn't your gender that makes you an idiot; you share that with Shakespeare, Darwin and Einstein. It's your brain.

Your brain! Capable of contradictions unlike any I have ever encountered. 'Sure I'm an asshole,' you concede, and you can say that again, once more for the people in the back, 'that loves to take advantage of women who are willing to bang me without me having to offer too much, but at the same time I am also a gentleman that knows how to treat a lady with respect and compassion just like any other true lady should be treated.'

Wow. Talk about an oxyMORON. You're not a gentleman, and I, and the rest of my sex, know that because a gentleman wouldn't so much as think this kind of anti-feminist bullshit, let alone write it on the internet.

Then comes the best bit. After hundreds of words spent berating all women who have had sex before meeting and marrying you, putting out a personal ad for a lady who is 'smart enough' to 'understand' you (I see now why you're casting your net in Kindergarten), you admit that once you've found the virgin of your dreams, 'we find them a bit too boring for our liking and decide to cheat.' Awesome. We should rename you 'Top Bloke' instead.

I suggest the reason you hope you 'never end up with a daughter' is because your friends are just as vile as you, and would have no qualms about hitting on her at her sixteenth birthday party. And I'm inclined to agree with you; I, too, hope you never end up with a daughter. But then again, god forbid you have a son to carry on your long familial line of misogynists and pigs.

Personally, I hope no woman has the misfortune of bearing your children, because being genetically bound to you is the worst thing I can imagine. And I'm not the only one with worries about men like you procreating. Jeremy Kyle has been known to pull men up on their inability to spell the word 'father'. But I'm pretty sure that even the guys on his stage don't think that unicorns are extinct.

Yours sincerely,

A woman.