THE BLOG

How to Survive 'Two Under Two' When You Are a Princess

16/09/2014 11:15 BST | Updated 13/11/2014 10:59 GMT

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IT has finally been revealed that Kate Middleton is pregnant with her second child...and she is being sick a lot.

This is great news for the media (the pregnancy not the sickness), because there are only so many times they can put 'stories' such as 'IS THE PRINCESS WITH CHILD OR JUST WEARING A SLIGHTLY BIG COAT?' on the front page.

And of course great news for Kate, who will have a lovely newborn baby to look after.

As well as a young toddler.

I wonder whether she has thought this through.

To help prepare Kate for becoming a mother of 'two under two,' (because she definitely reads my blog) I thought I would give her the heads up on a few things.

Do not bother trying to get anything done ever.While it is tricky to get stuff done with one baby, with two it is practically impossible. You can lose entire days just trying to get things done while achieving nothing. You think, 'I know; I'll write a list, stick it on the wall, get organised, tick things off as I go along'. Easy, right? Wrong. Five days later you realise you haven't even managed to finish writing the bloody list. So I suggest going Off List. Do what you can when you can. Better still just use this list:

1. Get up

2. Look after the children.

Anything achieved alongside this list is automatically a bonus.

Don't buy a double buggy. You will use it once, realise it is really heavy and annoying and sell it on Ebay.

Do not try to get anywhere on time. With two babies on the go, everything takes ages. Nipping out becomes a thing of the past. Quickly getting ready soon becomes a distant memory. There was a time when, in order to get dressed, I would simply take my clothes out of the wardrobe and put them on. Now it can take anything up to an hour. This is why:

Knickers on.

Toddler needs a poo. Put toddler on toilet.

Search for clean socks. None left.

Wipe toddler's bum.

Grab the cleanest smelling dirty socks from the washing pile.

Look for my bra. Find it on the toddler's head. Remove it and put it on.

The baby screams. Run to baby. She has climbed into the washing basket. Get her out of basket.

Return to my bedroom to find the toddler is wearing my top. Chase toddler around the house for my top. Try to wrestle top from the toddler.

Baby starts crying for no apparent reason. Cuddle baby.

Go and get another top. Put top on.

Toddler and baby now fighting over the original top. Break up the fight.

Pick up jeans from washing pile. Clean with a baby wipe.

"MUMMY, can I have a biscuit please?"

Right leg in jean.

"I need a biscuit pleeeese mummy."

"Biscuit, biscuit, biscuit!!"

"CAN EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN GET DRESSED!" You shout. Loudly. Too loudly. The baby is now crying. You feel so guilty you given them two biscuits and read them a story in your top and underwear.

Start to put jeans on.

Spot the baby about to eat something out of the bin. Hop over to baby and fish the rubbish out of her mouth.

Put jeans on. At last!

The toddler runs up to you and wraps her arms around your legs. You are now covered in biscuit dribble and snot. Clean with another baby wipe and now you are finally DRESSED.

Someone always wants something from you. A banana, a biscuit, a drink, a dummy, a poo, a wee. Take me outside, take me home, take me to the toilet, take me to the park? Story, piggyback, Play Doh, song. You life becomes an endless cycle of getting stuff for small people. Some days you'll want to quit. Other days you'll want to scream. But still you get them the stuff. Because at the end of the day it is far easier than being asked for the stuff, over and over again, ALL DAY LONG.

When you are expecting your second baby you will secretly worry whether you will love him or her as much as you love your first. Surely, it must be impossible to love another human being as much as you love your firstborn? There could never be a baby as cute, or as funny, or as beautiful. Then baby two arrives and they are just as cute, just as funny and just as beautiful. And before you know it, you can't imagine life without them.

Get an extra pair of eyes to put in the back of your head because, at one point, your children will try to kill each other. Not intentionally, of course. But toddlers seem to be under the impression that 'dangerous' means fun. For example; "It will be so funny to whack my sister over the head with a mug." And "I wonder what will happen if I stick this pencil right up my sister's nose."

Buy two of everything. They always want what the other one has. Child One could pick up a dead frog and Child Two would still drop whatever she was doing and decide she desperately wants that dead frog more than anything in the world. You can tell them to share until you are blue in the face. But apparently 'share' is toddler speak for 'give it to me now'. I would also suggest that all the children's cups and bowls are the same colour. We have a single blue bowl that is currently making my life hell.

I am not going to lie to you, having two children close in age can be exhausting and frustrating. It is rare that a day goes by where I haven't (silently) sworn about something. But mostly it is pretty amazing. Like when they wake up every morning excited to be together and whisper 'luff you' to each other every night. As a parent there is a great comfort in knowing that no matter what, they will always have each other.

When they are not trying to kill each other, they are best friends...at least until they both want the blue bowl. I really must buy more blue bowls.

So how do you survive with two children under two when you are a princess?

Get yourself a lot of servants (and shed loads of blue bowls).

Feel free to visit www.stolensleep.com where you'll find lots of other (useless) advice and some useful resources for sleep-deprived parents.