1. You worry about what to wear on the plane so you invent some weird new style. Involving 'cold weather' clothes for getting to their airport combined with flip flops. At any one point parts of your body are too hot or too cold. But it doesn't matter. YOU'RE ON HOLIDAY!
2. You consume 162 lollipops on the plane before take off. Stating that to anyone that listens it will help for when "your ears pop".
3. Most of the plane journey involves you discussing the weather, worrying about if your suitcases will be lost, how warm it is going to be when you get off the plane and if anyone ears have popped yet.
4. When leaving the plane you all exclaim "IT'S SO MUCH WARMER THAN ENGLAND!". Even if it's raining. This weather comparison is a constant companion throughout your stay.
5. Upon arrival at the hotel, before you do anything else, you rush out to buy oversized bottles of water for fear of dying from some horrific water poisoning. You live in fear this will happen the whole holiday. Keeping your mouth shut whilst showering but not thinking once about the ice in your all inclusive cocktails.
DRINK ALL THE COCKTAILS
6. You wonder where you will be able to buy a UK newspaper. And can't settle until you find out.
7. You hit the all inclusive buffet. And marvel at how much meat other European countries eat and that how their cornflakes taste weird. You avoid anything that doesn't look British. But if you do try something new? You feel dead posh and continental.
8. You wear clothes you would not be seen dead in in the UK. Including bizarre aztec smock things from Primark, brightly coloured swimming costumes and bejewelled flip flops. You think you look cool, hip and trendy, boho chic even. In reality you look like you have raided an insane persons dressing up box.
9. From the moment you wake up you worry continuously about if you will get a place around the pool. And then are fuming when someone takes "your space" (which is where you have sat once the day before).
10. Despite vowing not to buy an inflatables for your children you end up buying EVERY inflatable known to man and spend the remainder of the holiday making sure they don't blow away.
I WILL NOT BUY YOU AN INFLATABLE. OH F*CK IT!
11. It doesn't matter if it is gale force winds. You WILL sit round the pool. You WILL enjoy it and you WILL have an ice lolly. Even if you're freezing. YOU ARE ON HOLIDAY FOR GODS SAKE!
12. You will burn day one. But somewhere weird like the top of your foot. Or left ear. Which will leave you in immense pain for the remainder of your holiday.
13. British people should not be allowed to have all inclusive bars. We can't cope. We end up drinking pina coladas at 10am and falling into a deep cava induced slumber by 9pm.
14. You take on any new dance routine at the mini-disco with gusto. Excited to tell your friends about the hot new dance craze sweeping the Spanish nation. Not realising it is their version of the Hokey Cokey and is meant purely for four year olds.
15. Your children will have tantrums about the following; wanting cake for every all inclusive meal, not wanting sun tan lotion on, the pool is too cold, the floor by the pool is too hot, not wanting to wear a hat, anger over you not letting them slide around on their knees at the mini disco and the lack of routine leaves everyone frazzled and on edge.
LOST HIS TINY MIND
16. You MUST buy perfume at Duty Free. You MUST buy your favourite bottle of booze and you even toy with the idea of buying fags despite you not smoking them. IT'S JUST TOO CHEAP NOT TO!
17. You leave vowing that everything will change when you get back home, hell you may even eat meat for breakfast and wear flip flops on the school run. Within 25 minutes of returning you are gorging on what you recorded on Sky Plus, drinking copious cups of tea (as they never tasted the same on holiday) and making sure you put Kellogs Cornflakes on the shopping list.
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